Day One

Whenever I e-mail a friend (the ones I e-mail are the ones I’m closest to, as it’s my best way of expressing myself), I regularly forget to include subjects paragraphs (talking points, if you will). My messages can be long enough even in their incomplete state (you should know that from having read followed blog) but I realised after writing a post here, yesterday (last year, hahaha!) that I forgot to share a big thinking-point that I’d come up with during my hours of contemplation.

I know I can be a kind and empathetic person but I kind of realised yesterday that quite often, I am able to tune in to the exact needs of a friend and to provide exactly what they want. At least, that’s how I see it.

This happens with two friends in question. One of those ‘friends’ remains questionable but what links the two is a connection with my own heart and how I manipulate that.

I met the second woman in June 2013, through the same dating site I’d used to meet ‘May’ a year earlier. I felt awkward at the time just being on that site; almost as if I was ‘deceiving’ May in some way. But, as I wrote yesterday; that candle has extinguished (although I still have a few words to add). But talking with ‘Angelina’ was amazing. In depth conversation; I couldn’t wait to meet her and she felt the same. When that day came, I again felt awkward and I allowed that affect my social interaction with her. But I realise now that I was actually comparing her to May. Constantly, throughout the day. And that is wrong.

Having felt something so strong for another woman a year earlier, as someone once accused me of doing; I had sat her high atop some pedestal of worship. I was envisioning her as my ‘standard’; almost to say as though no-one else could compare. It was wrong. I was naive, regardless of whether or not I was truly in love.

Is this something other people do while feeling the effects of heartbreak or ache?

I would love the opportunity to sit down, talk and share this with ‘Angie’. She’s told me about her own heartbreak at the same time. She remains adamant that the two of us are ‘not quite right for each other’ and I now wonder whether she’s also guilty of comparing me to someone else. It wouldn’t be an easy conversation but where I have developed some feelings for her, I’ve never felt the same back. The optimistic side of my mind ponders whether she is holding back. But I might also be guilty of ‘hoping’ too much. A few more months and I might never see her again. The future remains uncertain but if there is something, I believe it’s worth trying now, instead of living with regret later.

This is the kind of stuff that’s been running around my head these past two days. I don’t think it’s really going to settle without talking to her.

To me, there are only two sides to this coin – but I’m also aware that this could be untrue… I can either see that she secretly loves me or, that she doesn’t, leading to a belief that no-one can.

I’m aware that the above has little to do with my ’empathic powers’ for giving but these two women in question are very different for their needs (at least, in my opinion). One is extremely fragile; the other, tough with the courage to reach for her dreams.

I’ve started keeping a notebook in the home so that I can write down my prompts for e-mails and more. It is helping, provided I write them down when they first come to mind! But I think this post is at its end as the lines below remain vacant.

Thank you for reading and welcome to 2014!

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