So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.
Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.
My weekends are often very routine and certain people expect me to follow this routine without question. I mean, it’s not as if I’m ever regularly occupied and I don’t think they’d understand my reasons for ‘wanting to be alone’. But I realised that one of the big reasons I hold myself back in life is because I’m waiting for someone… Not, in actual fact, to lend me a hand but for them to move on; to disappear. To be blunt and, this is going to sound horrible but, I feel as though I’m waiting for my parents to die.
I’ve made it very clear before that I have issues with my dad, we don’t and never have had a close relationship and yet, he can be overly insistent on things, to put it lightly. On the other hand, I love my mother and she’s often been there to help me in times of need. But I feel even her shadow casting over me; each time I contemplate a new direction in life; waking up every morning and asking myself, why the heck I bother with this draining job and wasting my life.
I fear criticism, I fear questions and judgement, because that’s all I’ve ever known from both of my parents.
This only seems to apply to my parents. Thinking about it, I used to get the same feeling (a need for approval) from my grandparents. I used to feel so uncomfortable visiting them to reveal that I was ‘still unemployed’. Or, equally; that I was still doing this kind of work but, deep down, I wanted to try something else, to steer far and away.
My friends, on the other hand, are nothing short of supportive and understanding. Is it an age thing? Does it relate to some kind of ‘generation game’?
Of course, death is not the answer and it never is. It just seems like the easiest option, when all we want it to hide away, to seek shelter and take refuge until the storm passes.
I’m not entirely aware of how much of my life I allow to be ‘judged’ by my parents but having already tried to discuss the employment situation with my mum, well, there was some sympathy but the conversation very quickly spun around to her and I lost my chance to go in to any detail.
I don’t know where I go from here but I’m glad I was able to make this realisation.