Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.
I ended 2013 with the desire to find a new job in this year. I fear that in having set a date of ‘later’ and convincing myself that it’s best to ‘do other things first’, I’m simply procrastinating and pointing my head in the opposite direction. These last couple of weeks, I’ve resorted to using work as a ‘distraction’ to other problems in my life, which I’ll get to in the next paragraph… On the positive side though, I’ve felt more able to put aside some of my grudges with certain individuals.
So, I’ve been living in this flat, on my own again (just what I wanted), for almost three months now. Yet in spite of working up the courage to phone him, to write to him and to request solutions to the problems that plague this place; my landlord doesn’t do enough. All of this and coming home each evening to a flat that’s nearly as cold as ice. My tenancy ends in May and I’m now thinking of leaving then. I quite like the area and I believe this flat has potential but, I’m paying nearly every penny I own and for what I receive in return, I do not feel privileged at all. Again, I think I’ve been focusing too much on ‘the good things’ instead of being bold and, well, being honest.
A close friend of mine; someone I’ve wanted to love, is the one who has helped me to begin to face up to this situation. Yet, for her abruptness, I feel as I often do when ‘confronted’ by her in this situation; as though she doesn’t really understand me. By all means, she’s a great friend and we’ve shared some incredible e-mail conversations. I don’t know. But my biggest fear in making an upheaval from this premises is that I’m required to give two months’ notice before leaving… Which, to me, basically implies that I’ll have to ‘take whatever I can find’ around the time at which I do part from this place. Properties tend to go quickly and I’ve never been aware of any landlord or agency who’d be prepared to ‘hold’ a property for you over such a prolonged period. Most want to in ASAP.
Whatever, wherever. However much it may cost.
It makes me wonder how others must cope in such a situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if other tenants are required to give a minimum of three months’ notice, perhaps even more! Returning home is not an option I am going to entertain.
January ends tomorrow and one thing that also bothers me is that I’ve not seen a single one of my friends in this time. I’m willing to let it go, of course but, in reflection, this month has seemed ever more lonely as I think back to the last time at which this happened – quite possibly… October 2012? Let’s put it down to the time of year, the season and the weather.
I think that’s me. Happy Chinese New Year for tomorrow!