This post will have nothing to do with the Eminem single that rose Dido high and up in to the limelight in the earls 00s… Even though I’ve ironically been subjected to listen to that artist’s ‘noise’ over the past few days at work!
Today, I want to write about the autobiography of Stan Collymore; a former-Premier League footballer (soccer player) who, later on in his short-lived career, received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.
As talented as Stan was, it’s a sad fact that he is perhaps best remembered for hitting Ulrika Jonsson one night in the late 1990s. It only happened the one time in his career (according to his own words) but, as you can probably imagine, it would go on to haunt him; a taint on his reputation as outsiders and onlookers would begin to make all manner of assumptions. Search on YouTube for an interview with Ulrika however and it apparently wasn’t a one-off incident… But then again, what might you expect from a woman nicknamed ‘4×4’.
In his book (titled Stan), the man talks in depth about not only his immediate regret following the assault but an upbringing and influences throughout his formative years that had more than likely played their part in igniting the fuse.
Nowadays (this book was published in 2004 and I’ve only recently begun to read it, despite buying it, and others, years ago), it’s quite probably that Collymore’s renown as a racist for recent comments and opinions shared on Twitter. I haven’t read these too clearly but they seem to contradict a sense of pride he talks about in one of the first chapters of his autobiography.
Stan Collymore is, to us, whatever the media wants him to be!
As often happens when I read a booked penned from someone’s own perspective, I look for similarities and reflections within my own life and personality. Again, quite early on, he talks about a ‘need’ to be in close (albeit sexual) contact with women, yet anything but exclusive to a single girl. This makes me think about myself and how I disclose myself to only a handful of close friends, all of whom are most certainly female… I feel less threatened by them, for one and there is certainly nothing sexual going on between any of us. Over the last couple of years, I’ve developed this fear that I could one day turn abusive towards a future partner and, in my mind, it’s become another excuse to steer clear and not throw myself in too deeply when I search for and/or meet someone.
Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while may recall that I have felt as though I ‘want’ a diagnosis to whatever it is that plagues my mind in general, every day life… I haven’t ruled out Asperger’s or anything but I’m now wondering whether BPD is worth including.
Borderline Personality Disorder is something I am not at all familiar with. Even reading about it online, I find it hard to differentiate from something like Bipolar. Stan’s words were making some sense to me, earlier in this book – and I wish now that I had written this 2 days ago, when my reflection was clear in my mind… Because I’m finding it very hard to summarise right now. All I can recall as that it seems to focus less on the later half of its name and more on the Borderline.
Social struggles remain a great challenge for me and I’m more frequently feeling as though this mountain is only growing taller. I’ve proven to myself many times, quite recently as well, that I can survive and mostly enjoy an independent lifestyle. But that feeling of loneliness, or whatever it is; it lingers. And as it makes its way through to the forefront of my consciousness, it can be overwhelming.
I am writing this post to encourage you to read this book. Stan Collymore hung up his playing boots at the age of 30 (on average, that’s a good 6 years earlier than most) and his reasons behind this are also disclosed. Depression was part of the answer. I can’t remember whether that was ever made public at the time but I for one was dismayed, given the start he’d made to his career at Leicester City. Stan also provides a great inside in to the real life inside a football club (or several), at least during the 1990s. But I also feel as though I’m writing this to raise some questions of my own… As if I don’t have enough already! Perhaps when I have enough, I can set about finding some answers! 😉