Self-Depreciating

I’ve made a decision to come here and write, after a second consecutive day of doing little more than lounge around on the settee. Why I’m here, I don’t now. I’m struggling to make sense of all that’s been bothering me the last few days but even if I’m able to organise it all on this screen, then why am I doing it? What’s the purpose? What will I gain that will prevent me from doing the same next weekend?

I’ve been reflecting quite heavily on efforts I’ve made in the previous two years to try and help myself; namely counselling and attending self-help courses in CBT. All I’ve really learned is that I don’t want to help myself; that I have not done any of this for myself. Each time, I’ve secretly been doing it the hope that someone would love me and perhaps view me slightly differently to the person they already know.

There’s something I’m afraid to write and I don’t think I’m going to share it in this post either. Does that mean I’m afraid to face up to it? At the same time, I strongly believe it will happen some day.

I’ve been entertaining thoughts about doing more self-help and yet, my ambition remains the same. This isn’t to help me. I’m questioning the significance in helping yourself when you spend so much time alone anyway. If I’m broken inside or whatever, at least I’m not a threat to anyone else.

What keeps me going?

Hope. I’m aware of the fortunes I’ve had in meeting several women in the last 2½ years, yet I am still single and alone. What’s not helped me personally this weekend is to learn that someone I am fond of is suddenly dating someone new. I feel overlooked and I fear being replaced and unwanted. Inside, I know I don’t have the energy or will to meet anyone new – for fear that I’ll only end up with the usual round of disappointment. There is still one star in my sky I hold out for… It’s very distant and a very recent discovery. There’s every chance it’ll be gone before I get to glimpse it again but it feels like this is the only reason I continue. Once that fades, I just don’t know.

Am I seeking attention with this post? And, if I am then, respectfully, what good are the words and sympathies from people I’ll never know? Sorry, that sounds harsh.

What does the real world care? As long as I’m on time tomorrow morning and don’t clock out early at the end of the week… We’re set free at the weekends but they know where we belong.

I feel there’s more I could right here but the words have departed. However high I get, I will always fall back down. But what’s the point of climbing back up when you don’t enjoy your destination?

What is Right?

I sit here, beginning to write, at a time when I should already be tucked up in bed. I’ve been wanting to share this. I’ve felt a need to take these invisible words, to set them out on a blank screen and to try and make some sense of it all. But for other commitments, I would’ve completed this a couple of hours earlier. I’m not low but I may be on the verge of falling in love.

Over the past weekend, I met someone. Our rendezvous was planned in advance; an encounter we’d been thinking of for several weeks prior. This was not borne of a dating website, although social media was involved.

I had my expectations and, to put it simply, I saw this woman as stunning in the physical form, even before we met. I assumed she’d be intelligent and, based on the manner in which we agreed to meet, it was clear that we shared at least one common love.

Over the last 2 years, I’ve been fortunate to have met several women. Some who I now consider friends; others who I’ve attained to be more. I’ve met with the social awkwardness and the comfort to be found in good company. I must admit, I had some hope for this latest greeting. Yet, in spite of all I could imagine leading up to the event; I hadn’t envisaged meeting with someone where it just felt right.

I can’t really explain it any better than that. In the past, I’ve had good feelings but I couldn’t honestly say they were mutual. I could be wrong again here. I’m not trying to say as though I’m in love with this girl. Yet, I feel as though I could so easily fall over that edge. Because I want to. I want this like I’ve never wanted anything else before.

She’s got the kind of intelligence I really value; an attribute sadly lacking from someone of whom I’ve allowed (previously) to do little more than deplete me. I’m gradually letting one kite sail away as I move on to set sail beneath skies bearing less of a storm.

At the end of it all, all she really wants is to be able to return home to a quiet life. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. An open space with room and time to unwind. Too often, I might people who can’t live without the bright lights and ever-present noise. I feel almost as if the wind direction is changing and as though things might be about to turn in my favour… We’ve only met once but we seemed to complement each other rather well. One thing I am certain of is that we’re both keen to meet again, when it’s mutually convenient.

For the rest of the day, I carried a smile that provided previously unbeknown motivation. After arriving home, I marched soon in to a social interaction with confidence like I’d never known before… It was if a rocket was trailing from behind me! One day passes and I still hold on; I question whether my feelings are beginning to grow. By the second day and a return to my weekday ‘routine’, I’m feeling lost and very distant from the memory; my smile is now a secret. Come the next day, I just want to run in the opposite direction, in a desperate attempt to relive a moment that’s already passed.

I’m not currently in love with her and I’m filling my head with all kinds of questions and uncertainty… But I still maintain that it felt right. There’s a chance romance could one day develop. A high probability exists that we shall meet again. But I fear what will happen if I’m found out and unprepared. What if I’m wrong again?

You are the third person I’ve told; the second for whom I have shared a little more than the absolute basic details. I’d like to apologise to a friend of mine who may be reading this, as I haven’t yet told her about this… You might have an e-mail coming your way!

I’d like to end this post by sharing another Pearl Jam song. This one is by no means indicative of my mood. It’s how the music, the melody and all the chords (with a vague recollection of the lyrics) are a background tune to my regular thoughts. I admire this song, just as I can admire one woman beyond another.

Thanks and good night!