It’s been another long time since my previous post and I’d like to begin by wishing a warm and Merry Christmas to everyone who happens upon this post! 🙂 Oh, and I also wish you the very best of success for 2015!
A friend of mine often writes about inner critics (of course, she’s not the only one) and I’m no stranger to effects of self-destruction and low-lying self-esteem.
For while now [to put that in to perspective – I think I first entertained this thought sometime before my last post!], I’ve had it in mind to re-assume writing down my thoughts and until very recently, I’ve been brilliant at creating every excuse not to do this… Then, last week, I finally bought myself a notebook and over the weekend, I grabbed a spare pen to place ink on the first page!
See, I’ve done this kind of thing before; long before I created this blog. Back then, I would simply write out my thoughts and feelings (usually in an evening) and for the most part, it was negative. I was angry or frustrated with something (usually someone) and although it did kind of help me, having a dedicated time and place for such reactions; it also kind of scared me. Hmmmm… This is probably something I should’ve bought up when I was seeing a counsellor!
As much as I can try to hide it, I believe I am mostly an unhappy person. I’d like to try and change that, which is why, in my new book [ha, I sound like Dan Brown or someone!], I am only going to record positive affirmations and realisations on a day to day basis.
So, yes, going back to the point at which I mentioned an inner critic…
I am coming to realise that something lies within me. I have always been quietly aware of something residing deep inside; only spurred in to life each time I perceive to have done something incorrectly. Until now, I think I could only really associate it with mood and sensation, if that makes any sense… But today, I think it does have a voice.
Am I afraid to listen? Have I been stood behind a defiant choice not to hear it?
When I’m driving somewhere new and can’t find my way, it’s there. As I try and fail (for whatever reason) to speak up and be heard, it’s ready. When I meet someone new who wants to continue conversation, there it is; questioning every single word, motion and mannerism.
I don’t know how to break this. I do not know how I can make it all stop. But I do believe that CBT may provide an answer. I do believe in the power of positive reaffirmations.
The hard part is going to be in resisting procrastination and proceeding to write even a single line, on a daily basis. But I live in my own now. I have the time, space and privacy to leave this book in a convenient location. No-one else will find it.
So, that’s me right now – thanks, as always, for reading!