Hello, it’s me again! 🙂
As I find myself frustrated with a person I have come to feel very close to, I also find myself wanting to vent and share directly with them… But at the same time, I’m more fearful of their perception than any potential reaction at this time… So, uncertain of what to do and how to handle this, I find myself reconnecting with my pseudonym to write it all down here.
Let me try and tell you a short story…
We met back in the early summer, through a social networking site, in fact. She’d been a follower of my ‘real’ blog for almost a year and we shared this one big interest. An event was looming and we were both attending. I only became aware of this fact when she pinged me a message on Twitter, a week or so before – I vaguely recognised the name as one of my blog subscribers (we hadn’t properly spoken before) and, before you knew it, we were arranged to meet, in person, at the start of the event.
We soon lost sight of each other after the initial confrontation but stayed in touch even after the event’s closure. Something drew us together. We found we were able to talk and share with each other in incredible comfort. I was heading out on a weekend not long after the event and, knowing it wasn’t too far from her home, I asked her if she’d like to join me… I had no expectations. I was a bit lonely and wondering how we might get along in person, as friends. She surprised me by saying yes and meeting up, spending time together became a very regular thing for us – to the point at which, until very recently, we would see each other no less than twice each week.
I write this post, aware that there’s a slim chance she (you?) may be reading this as I have shared my history of being a mental-health blogger and even a direct link to this site. If you are reading this, I’m sorry that I couldn’t bring this to you in person right now. Past experience with other people has left me afraid of how you/she may respond.
She suffers from bipolar disorder – and yes, I now officially own the title of ‘Bipolar Magnet’ for having met three women with this condition in the space of three years!
Sorry, that’s probably quite disrespectful to people diagnosed with bipolar… I mean no harm or offence.
Very much unlike the previous two women though, she medicates consistently. She has often done her best to look after her mental health. We’ve had almost five complete months of a fantastic friendship. But here, in month six, it seems to be falling apart.
Perhaps that is only my perception?
These feelings of mine, correspond with her lapse in to a seriously deep state of depression. I’ve witnessed her sinking low in recent weeks but last week, when I had no expectation that she could fall any further; she was down in that hole and she’s yet to even come close to resurfacing.
As a consequence, she’s become highly unresponsive towards me. For the past five months; we’ve been texting and talking until midnight. While you might fear that it’s been an opportunity to unload troubles and worries, we’ve actually been reflecting on the positives from our day, the company we’ve shared and adventures we would have to look forward to.
Now, I do not even receive a ‘How are you?’. There’s no ‘Hi’ in the morning, or even a ‘Goodnight’ in the evening. Responses are blunt, sharp, lacking in punctuation (one word questions without the final mark) and it’s almost as if she’s talking to someone she’s never met or spoken to before.
Allow me to elaborate upon the further complications to this situation…
She’s married. They share a young daughter and, although they sleep separately in the same room, they still live together, full-time. All of this, I learned about a month after we first met. When I was content with being potential-friends. To their credit, they still get along very well. She has told me that she no longer wants the relationship (I should also add that they broke up at the start of the year, even though they’re still legally married… She doesn’t wear her ring). I’ve met both the father and the daughter several times, I’ve shared company with them all and we get along fine.We
What The Husband doesn’t know is that The Wife and I kissed back in August. It was passionate, it last a long time and we almost ended up having sex that night… I stopped it. It was, in fact, my first kiss. Our second was far behind and in the same manner. Plus, I can think of two other occasions where we’ve expressed similar feelings physically.
That has since come to a stop, maybe a month ago now. We agreed to ‘cool it’ as she’s quite uncertain and doesn’t want to risk losing the closeness we have. We were long-huggers and cuddlers for weeks before our first kiss. That closeness withstands, provided The Husband is out of sight.
I’ve been wanting for us both to sit down and talk to The Husband about has happened, is or was happening between us because I don’t like keeping secrets from people and he is a good guy. I can accept being her friend but I wonder what this stress does to her mind in a shared home with so many other fears and anxieties already feeding her consciousness.
On Sunday evening, I made the effort to go over and visit to see how she was doing. Given her general lack of response throughout the week, I was fearful and I’ve had some frightening experiences in the past (although, admittedly, those women were un-medicated). The response I received was not one I had hoped for – and yet, neither was it something I would’ve anticipated, either…
It was almost as if she didn’t want me there and wouldn’t acknowledge me. She barely said hello when I arrived. She did make a cup of tea but the hug wasn’t there. When we all came to sit down, I can’t recall a moment where she made eye contact; angled in her seat away from me and towards The Husband. I’m not the chattiest person by any means but I didn’t expect or deserve such a cold shoulder. She ended up crying on her husband’s shoulder, telling him how good he was to her, asking for a cuddle.
Naturally to my own state of mind, I made comparisons here (and I could recognise that, even at the time). We didn’t once share a hug that evening. We barely even spoke. I offered her a cuddle before I left (Husband had already gone to bed) and she just said no. I sat for a few minutes, told her quietly I was leaving and left without properly saying goodbye. I didn’t know how to take it then and I still don’t know now.
I know that she is seriously depressed. I know, there’s a chance that she may be shutting the world out with the exception of The Husband – even after separation, they’ve shared a lot together over the course of a few years.
Still, my mind puts me as only second best. That evening, in fact, I became ‘no longer important’. Unwanted.
For two days now, I’ve been wanting to lash out in texts, accusing her of not really want me there that evening and deliberately ignoring me. Maybe even using me. But that really doesn’t make a lot of sense… Why ditch someone when you’re at your lowest and would most likely need people around you?
If I accused her (as I have done to other women in the past), it would add to her upset. It might release my frustrations but I’d also run the risk of losing her. It would be a selfish act. So, I write here, instead.
I hate Facebook.
Writing to someone who’s seriously low and not receiving a response is one thing.
But when you can go online, SEE that someone has been online recently, if they’re not online already…
Witness when a Facebook message has been read and even, whether or not someone is typing…
It just amplifies my own anxieties, paranoia and fear. I’m sure so many of you can also relate to that.
There is a rational, sensible part of me that wants to create a distance between us. I’m afraid to admit that past experience has taught me I cannot handle someone else’s depression. I miss her love and affection, the adventures we would share but I know she’s not in the right place for any of that in this moment… For however long this moment is going to last.
On the other side of that, I feel like I have no-one else to turn to, even for friendship. Family only tell me ‘how to feel’ or ‘how to think’, when we all know it’s not as simple as going ‘Oh, okay then, I’ll do that’. These feelings of loneliness within myself (not caused by any external parties) are all I’m currently left with. I can scrape through the working week but, as soon as the weekend comes and I stop – BANG – my energy is suddenly spent and I can barely remove myself from the settee.
Dinner is an option I have skipped tonight.
There’s probably more I could add to this and possibly more that I had in mind to share before I started writing but I’m glad I still have this space to write in and I’m grateful for those of you who read.