Why Am I Okay?

I return to this space for the second time in less than a week to ask myself the question:

Why am I okay with this, right now?

One of my closest friends has said ‘goodbye’ to me this evening and effectively closed the door on our friendship – again, not for the first time this week. I do not feel the the door is locked and bolted though, since we’re still connected (not blocked) through social media sites and she hasn’t told me to ‘off’ anything. I’m trying to give her time because I’m clearly saying everything she doesn’t want to hear right now.

I’ve been accused, several times over the past week, of judging her and for not trusting her to people to ‘adjust’ her own medication for her own mental illness. I have never once directly said that I do not trust her but I can see how it’s implied. Neither have I said that I trust her explicitly… The bottom line for me, is that I would have a concern with anyone adjusting their own medication… Maybe I don’t know as much as I’d like to think but it doesn’t sound at all right to me?

Drugs and pills are prescribed for a reason. If you’re not happy with them, you should speak to your doctor. Taking matters in to your own hands isn’t the best cause of action, no matter where your head is?

Anyway, I’ve tried to explain my case, several times but she’s not in a state to be reasoned with. Even if I was to tell her I trusted her, I’m not sure she’d believe me, having held on to these feelings for the past week. I fear it would only be a matter of time before she ‘picked up on’ something minute I might say/not say and accused me of lying.

But why am I (kind of) okay with this?

I want her in my life. With all she’s offered and shared these past few months, I feel almost as though I need her. I don’t enjoy the fact that she’s hurting, in response to some things I’ve said (neither am I willing to accept the blame for someone else’s emotions).

Why am I not a physically shaking bag of nerves, like I have been in the past?

When I’ve put myself out for people in the past, I’ve found myself physically shaking, from my big toe to my finger tips. It’s a feeling that has previously re-emerged alongside plain and simple forms of contact from the other person, after periods of time in silence.

Am I emotionally empty?

There is a part of me that believes I’ll never see her again, simply because I know this mood could last a while and I do feel as though she’s made her judgement of me and it’s something that won’t be shaken off easily. Like I said earlier; I could tell her I trust her now but, what difference is it going to make.

Do I truly not care?

Of course I care. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about this now. I’m also aware that I care too much… In the sense that I still retain hopes and aspirations that we’ll be together some day… But I can’t see her making room in her family for anyone else, certainly not right now.

Am I distancing myself emotionally?

Possibly. But then, that raises another question…

I’m feeling some emotion. Where is it and what have I done with it?

A good question. Stuffing things down and hiding them away is never the best option. I had a moment earlier where I wanted to cry but couldn’t and then, the moment was gone. It leaves me feeling a bit dead inside; like something’s made me 15% less alive and a part of me, internally, has begun to wilt…

So, what do I do now?

Erm… Well, I’ve made some progress by coming here to write. Writing to her, would not be the best idea and if I unfriend and unfollow her, I’ll feel guilty and look even more like the bad guy… I don’t want to give up on a friendship that has otherwise been incredible (if a little too much, at time). I’d like to be able to wait and ride out the storm but then I don’t enjoy the time of separation. Going back to the original question…

Why am I okay?

I think it’s because I believe that failure is inevitable in all friendships within my life and I feel I have a track-record to prove that. This was somewhat expected, if a little sudden. I can see that she is the one making indirect ‘attacks’ and slating me (without using my name) on social media – from that, I feel I stand upon the moral high ground in this situation, when I already believe that my opinion is right… I should’ve taken a different approach.

That’s me this evening. Thanks for reading!

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