Today I’d like to write about a subject that may be viewed as highly controversial. Maybe I’ve covered it on this blog before – I know I’ve certainly touched on my own opinions in distant posts that have receded far in to the past. This is a ‘topic’ that isn’t to be taken lightly and yet, it’s something I’ve never felt comfortable talking about with counsellors or even a close friend, for fear of judgement, a lack of understanding and, well, there’s always the fear that I would ‘convince’ someone it’s the right thing to do…
Let’s talk about SUICIDE.
As I have always believed, it is my right to choose whether I live or die (assuming I’m not suffering from a form of terminal illness). The thought of ‘ending my life’ first occurred to me when I was about five-years-old, sat on the floor in a school assembly. I had my problems growing up but I lived a mostly ‘happy’ childhood (up until the teens), as far as photographs appear to show. Back then, I simply felt as though, ‘one day, it would be right to end my life early, as opposed to living through the pains of old age’.
Can you be suicidal without being depressed?
I certainly think so. I mean, I don’t think I’ve been seriously depressed for almost eight-years, when I physically could not sleep or drag myself from the bed for a run of consecutive mornings. I may be suffering from symptoms of ‘low mood’ right now but I’m not depressed. Yet, suicide seems like a perfectly viable option.
Personally, I do not see the purpose in fulfilling my life too much further. I’m in my early 30s and I know that thought may be upsetting to some people but I do not like where I am now. I do not feel I know or understand who I am. I do not have a plan and cannot see a progressive way forward or out of my current situation. I do not want to grow ‘older’ like this. Alone. Eternally struggling to make long-lasting connections with people, never coming close to experiencing love. I don’t believe I want to help myself to overcome any of this, either.
If there’s one plan I do have, it’s of how I am one day going to do it. The exact date is unknown… A fear lingers. It won’t be today, tomorrow, maybe even next year but I feel the timing has to be ‘right’.
I frequently think of resigning from my job. In doing that, I know I’d struggle to find another, let alone something that might partially interest me. I have no direction. If I left my job next week, it would only be a small number of months before my bank account bled dry. An issue that would force me in to action, perhaps ahead of time.
I’m afraid of doing something I believe in.
At least if I did run out of money, I’d have a reason; an excuse. Even if that meant changing my final destination due to an inability to travel.
I also think about how I intend to go. In the sense of, ‘what kind of message would I like to leave and who do I leave it for?’ I would absolutely love to die doing something that would change the world for the better… Almost like a martyr.
I think the bottom line here is not that I might ‘want to die’ but instead that I don’t want to live this life. Dying, through suicide, is the most convenient way to get there.
Again, I’ll stress that I do not believe that I am depressed as I write this. Neither do I believe that I am perfectly “sane” and completely straight in my own head. This is me sharing something I think about a lot. Something I am afraid to share because I believe that few people will share my view (someone close to me once told me I would have ‘no right‘ to choose to end my life).
There’s been a lot on social media recently about a need to raise awareness for male suicide, encouraging people to talk about the issue – I’m all for that and yes, it is a major inspiration behind me writing this post. But why only men? What about people generally? Women?
Thanks for reading. If you have anything to share on this post or subject that I look forward to reading it. I’d also like to encourage you, if this is something you can relate to, to publish your own post on the matter to further increase awareness and to encourage people to talk. You could make a difference.