This post is the release of words I’m holding on to. A truth I feel a need to be shared. A good friend recently encouraged me to question the necessity of sharing these secrets with one individual but as each days go on, I feel that urge, burning on the back of my neck. It feels as if the right time is approaching. I see it as an means of drawing a conclusion to what is an ever-complex situation I find myself in.
For now, I write here, anonymously, in the hope of achieving containment.
I can imagine, right now, that you dislike me for words and actions over the past month. While I will not and cannot accept responsibility for your Wife’s feelings and emotions, I do accept ownership of my words, actions and apparent lack of empathy, to which perhaps both of you have reacted.
I am grateful to have met you and to have received the welcome in to your home and lives. With that, I carry my own feelings of guilt; my own secrets. When you have placed so much trust and faith in me, I feel I have almost let you down by keeping certain things from you.
Perhaps this may help you to understand why I have reacted and not acted in certain ways.
I’m sure, Husband, that you are aware of how close your Wife and I have been as friends. But what I do not believe you realise is precisely how close we’ve really been.
In September, something happened between us. It started with one passionate kiss and that led to several others, over the space of a fortnight. We never went beyond kissing, although it is something we had discussed. There was an uncertainty over what she wanted on your Wife’s part and, in my own mind, I was concerned things had happened a bit too soon. While we hold no regrets, we decided at that point to stop and step back down in to our close friendship.
On our very first night, I asked the question of when would be the best time to tell you. At your Wife’s discretion, we held off. Only two weeks ago from the moment you receive this letter, I asked again, long after our “affair” had already ceased. This time, your Wife was adamant the issue is ‘none of your business’. Still, I hold on to feelings of guilt, with a belief in being honest where possible.
I’m writing to you because I believe you have a right to know, with or without your Wife’s consent. I realise the two of you have been separated for almost a year and I never expected or wanted anything to happen between us in the beginning. We have no regrets and I do not feel we did anything that was morally wrong. I feel I owe you this explanation and, as you both still share the same roof, I believe there should be no such secrecy.
I also write this for my own sense of relief and freedom. I am not ashamed to be open and admit that. Carrying this secret, for what’s only been a couple of months, has been a burden. While I agree with the decision we made to cease the “affair”, I have personally found it very difficult to suddenly let go of the situation and resume nothing more than a close friendship, with these feelings I now have towards your Wife. Spending time with her alone has become a little more difficult but being anywhere near you, has not been easy at all. Again, with the feelings of guilt and secrecy.
Aside from kissing, your Wife and I have become frequent cuddlers for most of the time we’ve known each other. This is something that did happen under your shared roof. Each time you disappeared upstairs or went off to the toilet, leaving us alone, we would embrace; only to break again the moment we heard your footsteps. We have tried to respect your own state and any feelings you may or may not have.
Reflecting on this lately, I recognise how I have wanted to be seen as the second-most-important person in the life of your Wife. I respect the fact that you share a child and that a child will always be a parent’s priority. But when I see you as I family, I question my own worth to this equation. I do not see a hole for me to fit in to. I find it confusing how you still wear your ring, day in, day out and that you’re social networking status is still clearly stated as being ‘Married’, while your Wife has, to her credit, updated to becoming ‘Single’.
I do not know where we go from here. Perhaps it is not my decision to make. It’s been a number of weeks since I last saw either of you in person and I recognise that your Wife and I do not seem to be making progress through online conversation. I know in my heart, as much as I miss her companionship for the shared mini-adventures we would seek, I also strongly miss the close physical comfort and affection we began to share. I want that back and fear I would always be holding on, in hope.
I look in your eyes when you speak to her and I see love. I am not sharing these secrets to attempt to create a divide between you. I need to get this out of my head because I feel as if I am holding on when perhaps it would be best if I began to let go. I worry I have already betrayed your Wife’s trust by sharing this with you and without her consent.
If there is anything you would care to share in response then I welcome that, positive or not.
One confused individual.
Thank you all for reading post. If I was to send a letter to the husband, please rest assured it would be something less than half the size of the content you see above. Writing here, today, is largely an attempt to contain my own feelings and intention. At least, for now and until a time comes where I am confident and assured in a decision.