As the weekends arrive with the passing of each working week, I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to remove myself from under the duvet.
Getting up in the morning is proving to be hard. Now, I could blame many aspects for this, including the time of year – but the weather, for one, is quite mild considering we’re almost halfway in to December. More importantly; I’m working to remind myself to be emotionally responsible and intelligent, with regards to my feelings.
It is not because of anything or anyone external that I am struggling to get out of bed. It is me.
Instead of dwelling on that, I’m going to try and write about how to I look for ways to get me going each Saturday and Sunday.
My bed isn’t even that comfortable and, as my back begins to ache from any prolonged periods of time spent lying there, I begin to realise that it may be time to purchase a new mattress. Maybe that will help in the long run. Perhaps it will also help with my other sleep issues… Anyway, here’s how I got going today.
As with most mornings, I initially awoke a lot earlier than I would’ve liked (somewhere between 6am and 7am, probably). It’s possible I fell asleep again after than that as the dreaded Sunday chorus of church bells at 9am began to ring – this often happens, right when I feel as though I am physically not ready to get up. Yet, in my head, the anxiety begins to rise as I realise the early morning is already beginning to pass. I can hear my neighbours up and about if they haven’t left already and I begin to fear that, if I don’t get up soon, I’ll be eating breakfast at lunchtime once again and wasting my last day of respite to my own feelings of hopelessness and misery.
Fighting those feelings doesn’t ever seem to work for me. Challenging them, sometimes and questioning their plausibility, yes, when I try, that can be beneficial.
This morning, I didn’t get up until 11.15am. I wasn’t cold or physically uncomfortable (aside from the aforementioned back ache). I didn’t even feel the usual lack-of-sleep sense of tired, despite staying up until 1.30am (usually, I’m in bed by midnight). I just couldn’t face the uncertain day in my own home and my own skin. Not feeling up to going anywhere or being around people and feeling as though there were too many things to do (shower, eat, etc.) before that could happen in any case.
Somehow, I got myself going. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be sat here writing this now!
I tried to focus. Instead of looking at the big wide picture of ‘Sunday’, I made a more constrained target of something not unachievable and more manageable in its size.
Okay, I wasn’t feeling up to doing much. But staying in bed all day wasn’t what I wanted to do either. My first small step was to convince myself that, at the very least, if I was going to have a ‘lazy day’, I could spend it on the settee in the living room.
It still took a while to get my legs going (as I said before; 11.15am) but once I got there, I felt like I could help myself to the kitchen for a cup of tea and breakfast, which I could then consume, maybe even enjoy, back on the sofa.
This may sound simple but it ultimately helped to get me going. From that, I spent some time procrastinating on my laptop but I suddenly felt better for having arrived at lunchtime (13.00), when I found the motivation to take a shower before getting dressed.
My lunch arrived a little late around 14.00 but I felt better in myself for being able to face the afternoon, instead of hiding away beneath my covers, as per the morning. I still didn’t get out to “live life to the full” or any of that bollocks but my anxieties of the past morning had subsided and I was able to do a few things around my home for me, all by myself, without feeling guilty or resentful towards myself.
So, in the morning, I felt as if my day was being wasted… Come the afternoon, I’d got myself in to a situation where it felt okay.
Now, when someone, tomorrow at work, asks me how my weekend went; I’m not going to share this truth about my Sunday and I’m sure you can understand the fear of judgement and ‘lack of approval’. Sometimes, telling someone you had ‘a quiet or relaxed weekend‘ is just enough. At this time of the year, a lot of people will only tell you the same about their weekends and often cite money or the season as the cause… I feel a little pride in being able to ‘own’ my decision and not acquaint it to anything external.
I try to be careful with the issue of ’emotional intelligence’ and ’emotional responsibility’ as I’ve recently been accused of riding on my ‘high horse’ and look down on other people… While I can understand that point of view, I know where I truly seat myself in relation to others. I hope to be able to write more about emotional responsibility soon.
I wouldn’t be surprised or offended if people read this and wonder whether I’m suffering from some form of depression or low mood… I think the fact that I can recognise it and find those important first steps are more important.