End of the Month

A belated welcome to 2016! Here we are at the end of the first month already… Before we know it, 2017 will be here!

I’m going to begin today’s post on a positive and my big personal plus today is that I have successfully booked an opticians appointment! 🙂

It only needs to be as simple as that. But I’d like to continue briefly and explain that this will be the first appointment I’ve had for three, if not four, years. Anxiety holds me back from making simple phone calls like this. A couple of months ago, I requested a ‘call back’ through their website but I wasn’t (psychologically) able to answer the phone on either of the two occasions it rang.

Today, I am proud of myself for being able to answer the phone, respond to each and every question and take the initiative decide to select from the available appointments offered to me.

From this, I hope to be able to make a phone call to the doctor’s and book an appointment I’ve been avoiding for nearly eighteen-months… I wonder how other people with anxiety issues cope with this? It’s not as if they have a call-back option on their website. You can even e-mail an appointment and apparently, have to visit the practice before you can look at booking appointments online.

With the doctor’s out of the way (or, at the very least, the first appointment), I then hope to be able to look after finding a new dentist’s practice… For the first time in over ten-years! :-/

This is the step-by-step process I aim to implement in 2016.

In other news, I tonight find myself facing the a familiar inter-personal battle with someone that I’d hoped, by now, was going to remain on the other side of Christmas.

Last week, I made plans to meet up with said woman at the tail end of the coming week. I even booked the day off work for it (I don’t like ‘wasting’ time off so soon in to a new year). Doubts are beginning to settle in as to whether or not this day will happen.

So, back in November, I was insensitive towards someone with mental health issues who I really care about but who was already hurting from their own problems and didn’t need anyone attempting to tell them how to think or an intensive education on the importance of emotional responsibility. I do feel I owe her an apology for that. At the time, I was trying to keep my distance emotionally but I’ve realised since that I can alter my view on the situation without disrespecting her feelings.

What I strongly disagree with is the apparently shared belief they have that I somehow owe an apology to her husband who, even a year after the separation, is the first person she would turn to for emotional support.

For me, this comes down to emotional understanding and responsibility, once again. If he is feeling ‘anger’ towards me then I do not see how I can possibly be responsible. On a simpler level; I hadn’t seen or communicated with him through any form for almost two-whole-months.

I feel frustrated that this is being thrown up in my face again and that I’m being accused of ‘not taking responsibility’ for my own actions. But I don’t blame either of them for “making” me feel this way and that, I believe is significant.

The physical shakes that I felt during conversations with her a few weeks ago feel as though they’re set to return. Tonight, I begin to question what I really want from this ‘friendship’… I certainly don’t intend to give in to these one-sided demands, amidst further accusations that our friendship apparently needs to work ‘both ways‘…

Is this healthy for me?

Will a resumed friendship really be enough,
where we once began something more?

Is this now another trigger for my own anxieties?

Right now, I know it’s not something I need. As much as I want to spend time with that person, away from technology, face to face; it isn’t happening frequently enough. Yet, I feel like I’m beginning to give a lot. I’ve decided to try and view her current situation in a rather abstract way, as someone who is ‘not well‘, instead of diving deep in to the specifics of bipolar disorder, manic depression and suicidal intentions.

Honestly, I think I will always be holding on and quietly hoping for more. A chance to break free from what I consider to be an unhealthy home, where a young child resides within a broken marriage. Realistically, I don’t see a change happening there.

It’d been a long while since I’d had these physical shakes in response to ‘friction’ with another person. I wasn’t strong enough to cope with that and I think my body is warning me now that I’m again breaching close to my limits. I think it’s healthy to realise this now, where another part of me may’ve once said “I can use therapy to make myself stronger“.

I did actually see both of them in person, a fortnight ago. I was ‘casually’ invited to a local event where they would be attending. It was very awkward, to say the least. I’d gone with the intention of apologising that night but when greeted with the force of a group and unable to speak one-on-one, well, I felt it was ‘unfair’ for one and from that, my confidence vanished and I barely spoke to anyone all evening; always hoping for that quiet moment that never arrived.

Anyway, that’s me, as we prepare to head in to another wonder-less week of work…

Thank you for reading!

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