I feel as though I’m suddenly beginning to learn and understand something I had no previously questioned or examined within myself.
At the time of writing, it remains an ‘enquiry’, with my interest still highly peaked.
I’m open to the possibility that I may be the kind of person who would be defined as asexual.
Asexuality, I’ll admit, is a term I had to Google before I had a better understanding… But in simple terms, it refers to a person who does not (or people who do not) experience sexual attraction towards other people, regardless of their gender and sex.
My research in to this began after viewing a woman’s profile on a dating website, recently. Near the head of her profile, she quite clearly states that she believes she is ‘asexual’ and hopes to hear from someone who is the same.
I write this as a virgin; someone is not and has never been sexually active. When I’ve previously thought of my lack of sexual desire, I put it down to my mental state – depression, low self-esteem, fear, lack of self-confidence and autism. But reading through the Asexuality website, I’ve quickly found answers to questions that had risen almost immediately.
I like to feel intimate with another person. Hugs, cuddles and even kisses, when it is the right person. I have felt what I will regard as ‘romantic‘ feelings for a small number of people in my lifetime and that is something I seek. What I have never truly desired is the need to share sexual intercourse with another human being.
I am confident of my sexuality, in the sense that I am only attracted to the opposite sex and, having read through that site, I feel more comfortable in accepting that arousal is okay, even without a sexual desire or intention. From what I’ve gathered so far; masturbation is also acceptable. What a typical asexual person does not have is a sexual desire to share. It is viewed as a personal experience. An asexual person remains human.
So, it’s an idea I am open to. No decision has yet to be made on whether ‘I am’ or ‘I am not’… Perhaps I’ll never get that far. Right now, I feel good in knowing that I may be able to find some answers, here. I’ve been unseasonally low for the past few weeks yet, this evening, I’ve felt ‘less negative’ through all of this research and understanding.
This girl I’ve been talking to… We may never meet in person and our conversations may never grow beyond the topic of sexuality, regardless of interest and hobbies that we may share. From her photos, I find her attractive. But that, for me, is not a sexual attraction. Romantically, I’d never know without meeting in person. But I’m also aware that there could be a small part of me ‘wanting’ to asexual, to appear more attractive to her… In a similar way to how I have previously ‘wanted’ to diagnose myself with some form of autism, so I could begin better understand myself.
I’ve no idea how this posts comes across to others but if you have your own thoughts on asexuality – especially if you can speak first-hand, from your own experiences – then I encourage you to leave a comment below.
Thank you for reading.