I Am Lonely

In August, it will be five-years since I created this blog.

I don’t think I’ve written a post here now, for over six-months.

But I remember how I would find the process useful and that is why I have returned.

I’m lonely. It’s sometimes hard to admit that I’m an unhappy person but I often overlook the fact that I am lonely.

I’m not talking about the need for a significant other or anything like that – in fact, I can pat myself on the back for having avoided dating websites for over six-months now. It’s my constant failure to connect with people in the real world. People I value and do not want to lose.

I don’t think it’s enough for me to say that ‘I’m unhappy’, in the same way I have never liked plainly being told that I  suffer from ‘social anxiety’… I do not dispute either. I’d like to understand why I feel so downbeat, miserable and intent on harming myself psychologically. I find the lone tag of ‘social anxiety’ doesn’t do enough to define whatever’s wrong with me.

This weekend had its highlights. I hosted an event where 85% of all invited people attended. Honestly, I was expecting a success rate in the region of 60% at most… Those statistics alone may suggest there is something wrong with my outlook. Clearly, I do have something offer that other people value.

But again, I’m turning away from the successes to taunt myself with memories of my constant failures throughout the day. I honestly believe that I can see it in the eyes of some people… They’re waiting and hoping for more and yet, I have nothing more to give. It’s not the case with everyone I meet – more so, people I am new to and vice-versa.

How much longer will they wait? Twelve-months from now, how would they respond to a second invitation, should I make no effort to improve, from here on?

I’m incredibly proud of one of my friends in particular. Someone who has taken great strides over the last year. I feel like I can see a difference within her. She appears closer to happiness and contentment. I wanted to tell her these things but couldn’t, for fear of spilling my own bad vibes.

I spend a lot of time on my own or in social situations but being strictly independent. I’ve been thinking over a lot of ‘negative’ thoughts and memories. Almost relishing in a sense of pain and sorrow. Self-harm, on a psychological level. I can feel that. It’s easy and accessible.

It’ll soon be two-years since my dog died. Someone with whom I shared half of my life. I broke down in tears on the kitchen floor last night. Unable to sleep, hours later. Barely able to survive work, the next day.

There’s a song… If I could find it, I’d share it with you. I remember hearing it on the radio at about six years old. I was a passenger in my mum’s car, driving up the road when I heard this music… In the same moment, I knew; ‘one day, my mum will be gone’. This was at a very young age. Losing my dog was a pain I do not wish to experience ever again. I see my mum growing older, each time I visit. I live in fear. That song.

I feel bad for not being able to tell my friend that I’ve signed up for a four-week ‘low mood’ course, later this month. It’s group-based CBT in a learning environment; as I last did back in 2013. I don’t know if I will find any answers but I’d like to see how I manage. If I can make progress with this, I may consider finding a new counsellor.

I have two friends who are hugely important to me. I don’t want to lose them. I want to be able to offer them more and to be able to connect with others.

Thank you.

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