I came here a few weeks ago for the first time in months. I wrote something and found it beneficial. It would be nice to think that it really ‘gets it out of your head’ but I realise what I’m actually doing is sharing, with everyone and no-one (as an anonymous blogger). By writing here, I’m lessening the burden I place upon myself.
So, I’m back to write some more today. Already, having written very little, I feel a microscopic improvement.
It’s a Monday. More importantly, a Bank Holiday Monday, which means that, like many people in the UK, I get the day off work. A three-day weekend.
To me, it has felt a lot like a Sunday and I’m struggling to the point where I only got dressed and made my lunch at 14.50. I was up early enough. I keep trying to trace things back in my mind as I felt okay last night. I even forced myself out to interact with people and buy a takeaway. Physically, I was very tired after a busy two days, which is understandable. Psychologically, I was aware that I had ‘one more day’. I didn’t expect to fall so flat.
I don’t even know how to continue this writing… Normally, it’s fluid; I don’t have to pre-think about things and I just write. For some reason, I can’t find a rhythm to this one. But I’ll try.
I had intentions for things to achieve in this day. I don’t like to look back on a day spent doing absolutely nothing. In truth, of course, I’ve done a couple of ‘small’ things. But I’d been wanting to visit a local exhibition that has now finished, as I sit here and write. I’ve missed out.
All day, I’ve felt extremely ‘aware’ and afraid to step outdoors. I’m uncomfortable walking past windows and there are many between here, the exhibition space, my car; anywhere I might want to go. I’m always aware of windows and the possibility of someone seeing me. Day or night; good mood or bad. Right now, it’s too strong.
I’m trying to trace back to why. I know I’m uncomfortable with full attention. There aren’t very many people locally who I know or would recognise me, or vice-versa. Still, I fear. I just can’t focus on what.
I’m aware that I’m feeling and fearing the inevitable ‘return to work’. I can imagine that a lot of people experience something similar; I don’t often read or hear about others suffering in the same way. One month in and I’m still struggling with my job. The work itself is manageable. I’m not used to working in a company with less than half-a-dozen people and I’ve struggled to find common ground with people socially. They like their cars and things… I don’t. They’re not even football fans!
This transition, from one workplace to another, is part of why I’ve been feeling more lonely lately. That’s not to suggest that I was a ‘social butterfly’ in any previous job. I found it easier to blend in amongst larger numbers. Now, I feel like I’m almost in the spotlight all of the time. There’s no-one to hide beside.
I cannot blame this job and leaving would be a very rash decision. I’ve had similar feelings of ‘fear’ ever since I was first employed… Actually, I did look forward to my first part-time job; I came to prefer it to spending time at school. But that changed as it became a full-time chore. This is going on inside of me.
Again, I’m feeling the pressure relieved slightly as I continue to write. I believe I can step outside for a short while later, when there will be less people, cars and noise about.
Noise is another thing… Whether it’s ‘social chatter’ in a public place, passing cars or what. My neighbour (I live on the ground floor) came home earlier for the first time in days (the ceiling is so thin, I always know). I felt intruded, uncomfortable and afraid to even start my washing machine for fear of being noticed. But my washing has now been done and the neighbour has since left again.
I’m not sure why I find it easier to challenge and questions the fears within my own home. I can hear the distant but undecipherable voice from a nearby pub garden and I find it really irritating. It’s a noise more than a voice. It’s almost like when the neighbour’s dog yaps endlessly… How can they not be aware of what’s going on at the end of their garden?! I always used to get my dog in straight away.
Maybe moving would help? To the right situation. But I like this area overall, if not immediately where I sleep.
I wish I could understand all of this. Perhaps then, I could learn to overcome it. My sleep deteriorated to as little as two hours on Wednesday night last week. I think a lot. If I am to find another counsellor (my third), I think I might be able to tackle my anxiety issues from this angle, if none of the others. It doesn’t seem as challenging as understanding and making basic conversation with people. Avoidance is not an answer.
I sometimes think about writing things down on paper. I know that works for a lot of people.
I haven’t done that since before I started this blog in 2012 (I may be wrong on that, actually). Then, I would have the fear of discovery. It was always an issue when I lived with my mum. Physically, I find hand-writing difficult. In particular, I struggle to write the letter ‘S’.
Posting anonymously online is, for me, more secure. It is very unlikely that someone I know is going to accidentally stumble on this AND recognise me and what I’m on about. I’ve only ever shared this site with three people. Plus, there is no physical matter to store and/or dispose of.
It’s a bit like music nowadays… I always used to like buying CDs and having that physical possession with the album art, even after the intervention of iTunes and the MP3. But, CDs require a physical space. I’ve since bought myself a bigger iPod and just download it all. I’m not sure what to do with all of these CDs.
But I’d never disregard books in the same way.
Thank you for reading. I know that writing this has been good for me.