I had intended to join in with a group activity event today. It’s something I do quite regularly and I still owe many thanks to ‘B’ (if ever she reads this) for suggesting the idea AND finding the information five years ago.
I could be off now, trying to do something on my own… Instead, I’ve chosen to sit here and write. Partly so that I can hide away from the world but also, in an attempt to save myself from too much inner suffering and slaughter.
It was largely my own fault that I was ten minutes late in arriving and missed the event. All I can do is try to accept it and make an effort to arrive on time, if not early, for the next occasion.
I awoke feeling sluggish; wanting to do something with this day before heading back to The Routine for another week. I didn’t feel as enthusiastic about this event as I have towards others and probably will for those that lay ahead. But, I wanted to be amongst people, new and old. I don’t like spending an entire weekend solely in my own company.
There are many road closures and diversions put in to place around Bristol today. Getting to the arranged meeting place was always going to be a struggle, from the direction I was headed. This situation was further complicated by a a road closure outside of the city, where Police were diverting traffic away from the scene of a serious crash.
My plan was too leave fifteen minutes early and to arrive with a similar time advantage. I was almost ready with ten minutes to go, before a second trip to the toilet was necessary, according to my bowels. I left with insufficient time remaining. That’s a fact. I awoke and got up a good hour in advance but, as with many mornings, I spend ‘needless’ amounts of time on my phone… Checking things, updating this and that, making interactions with no-one in particular.
My plan from here on is to have an easy day. I don’t know how that will pan out and the big fear is that I’ll feel like the usual bag of shit by the time the afternoon has passed.
Every day, I cannot bare to face work. I procrastinate all morning and have arrived late now every day for the past fortnight. For the next few weeks, further road closures pose to threaten my punctuality. I can’t honestly blame the job or where I’m working. Or even the people I work with, for whom I struggle to form connections with.
I feel lonely when I’m not alone.
I’ll try and spend some time outdoors today. I’m sensitive when I read about how doing this ‘makes’ someone feel better… I only believe that it’s the action of physical activity that provides distraction and respite from a busy mind that’s working non-stop. There may be vitamins and stuff that are good for our bodies but I still view the mind as something separate in itself.
When a person dies, their body remains on this Earth. But the mystery is, what happens to the mind? Where does the soul go?
I’ve been comfort eating a lot for a long time. An extra bar of chocolate here; a bowl of ice cream there… I managed to cut back on biscuits with a cup of tea last year; I’ve swapped butter for low fat mayonnaise in my sandwiches and I’ve made a number of small changes… I’m not aware of any immediate results but I hope I’ll see benefits in the long run. I’m not at all happy with my physical shape and never have been. Right now, I also lack the energy to change that on a regular basis.
There’s a lot of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in my head. I’m hoping that by writing it all down here and ‘sending’ it off to the internet, I’ll feel less of a burden for carrying it alone.