The Big ‘W’

It’s late. I should’ve gone to be a while ago. I should be in bed now, knowing that I have to go ‘there’ and continue this furious routine for another day.

But, I want to sit here and write. I’ve been bothered with ‘W’ for a while and had intended to sit down and write about this sometime last week… It hasn’t happened because I’ve been too busy. Too tired. Too anxious. Too many excuses.

Let’s write about work, when I should be resting in preparation for the next day, I say.

So, I started a new job a couple of months ago. A new environment, fresh faces and a similar role to my previous job. The work is not something I am overly passionate about. There may be aspects to it but it’s essentially something I know I can do well. Also, I largely accepted the opportunity because it gave me a ‘reason’ to up and leave my last place.

Overall, the environment is better for working in. Everything’s quite modern and reasonably well maintained. People I work with (this company is a fraction the size of my last employer’s) come across as friendly. There is no chaos. Nobody is asking or expecting me to work late and every other person does not hold a managerial role or smoke e-cigarettes close by.

Still, I’m struggling.

Partly because of the fact that this is not a long-term solution to me finding satisfaction in employment. Partly because I despise the routine of ‘having’ to get up, be somewhere, at a certain time, for so many hours and to do things as expected. But also, because I am feeling alone.

It’s a small company, as I said. I work closely with one guy most of the time and he seems to be similarly quiet to how I am. There are no issues between us, as far as I’m aware. We can work together and help each other out when required, even without conversation. I’ve worked in other places where people can’t stand to work closely with me or, me with them.

Everyone else within the company seems to share a major common interest. It’s something that a lot of men are interested in but not me. Beyond that, I find it hard to find common ground with these new people which, in turn, I believe, increases the challenge of creating conversation. Sometimes there are snippets. But still, a lot of the time, I feel alone.

It’s possible I’ve felt like this in the beginning of every new job I’ve had and so, perhaps this will change, over time.

But how much time?

And how long do I really wanted to spend doing something I could happily walk away from?

I have a friend who’s about to do something incredibly courageous; something I greatly admire her for. She faces her own ‘job dissatisfaction’ and is planning to take serious time out to do a bit of travelling, shake things about and return to ‘normal life’ later, on a different path… She has a plan, even if it’s not laid out yet.

I often look forward to what I would do if I packed in work for any length of time. Truth is, I fear the thought as much as I might relish it. Money and bills come in to the equation. Instability, isolation, uncertainty and a constant lack of direction that’s been leading me nowhere for fifteen years now.

If I had the confidence and belief that it could work, I’d probably be self-employed already. I look ahead at various options and wonder about this… At every turn, there’s a doubt.

A portion of me has always been tempted to ‘just do it’ and see what happens… If I run out of money and end up walking the streets and day and night with everything I now own reduced to one worn pocket, at least I’ll know where I stand and my options would become limited. Perhaps.

I realised recently – and, not for the first time; it’s actually something I don’t like to face up to – that I don’t take certain risks for fear of my parents’ judgement and critique. One of the most incredible anxious thoughts I have within this involves causing my mum a lot of worry and stress that would lead to her suffering a heart attack or similar. At the other end, I don’t think my happy-to-interfere-and-control-but-ultimately-means-well father would leave me alone. Emotionally, I’m not that close to anyone in my family.

So, I’ll head to bed soon. I’ve no idea if I’ve written everything I’d been meaning to but I’ll try to sleep a little better this evening morning. I have a tough weekend ahead, socially. It’s going to be a challenge, that’s for certain.

Oh yeah!

In my new job, work has suddenly dried up in the last couple of weeks. We’re not in financial danger or anything but, as employees, each day becomes a greater chore, with the effort required to find tasks and not complete them too quickly. Many people struggle with this and I accept that. But compounded with the fact that I don’t want to be there for the long-term, I feel like I could one day break. It’s far from easy.

I could leave, jump on a plane and go wherever…

But wherever that plane lands and at the point where my bank account runs dry, I would always have to return to the familiar surrounds of Uncertainty. But is that enough of a reason to stay put?

I think that with the ‘power’ of the internet, it’s easier than every for anyone to feel ‘less adequate’ and ‘less satisfied’ with any aspect of their lives or being, when a whole world of (sometimes unhealthy) comparisons are only a few of clicks or screen-swipes away. But someone has to do it, right? Somebody has to do these ‘less satisfying’ jobs and we’re all under the thumb of corrupt politicians and the false power of finance.

Thank you for reading.

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