For six-months now, I’ve been wondering. Unknowing. Unable to receive a response. It was only while talking to someone else about their own problems recently that I realised I could to my writing, in an effort to restore order and peace to my mind. If only for a short while.
So many thoughts running around inside my head for so long and suddenly, I don’t even know how to begin this. I really thought I had it all drafted out in my mind. If we were to meet in person – by chance or at your intention – I thought I knew precisely where and how I would start and, from that, how I would continue.
I’d like you to know that I have missed you. Maybe you already know that. I want to say that I like you and enjoyed spending time with you, because I don’t think I ever had the courage to say it while we were together in person.
Let’s go back to the beginning… That’s probably a good place to start.
When we met, I knew who you were. I was aware of your name and the high probability that you would be the same person our mutual friend had secretly wanted to set me up with. I knew nothing about you, of course; only your name. I wondered, did you know? Had she previously told you as well?
I was scared, in that moment. Terrified, in an instant. I’m used to entering such situations having made preparations. What kind of impression was I going to leave? At that point in time, I was not looking to meet anyone. In fact, I was trying hard to not meet anyone, for the first time in several years. If it was to be a bad reception, how would our mutual friend have felt?
It was agreed and arranged that we would meet again. I never viewed it as a date. I said yes, largely out of curiosity. I wasn’t looking and, although the day went well, I’m sure you’re aware that I was distant for many weeks after. I was avoiding you, as I too often avoid people. I didn’t want you to disappear from my life; I was afraid of letting someone else in. In the past six years, I’ve had some pretty traumatic experiences in the quest for a long-lasting relationship. I am sorry that I left it so long because I then came to realise that we could get along incredibly well and actually had even more in common than I’d first realised.
Things were going great. I felt increasingly confident, optimistic and, for the first time in my life, I was entering a relationship (although, technically, we were still dating) with not a single outstanding doubt or concern in my mind!
I am grateful for the time we did spend together. For the fact that you invited me in to your home. If only it hadn’t been so short-lived. If only that had not been the last time we’d seen each other.
I want you to know that I had a terrible reaction, after you cancelled two of our dates in quick succession. I am not blaming you for my feelings, as they are my own. I sank, very quickly, to the depths of my lows. Work became even more obsolete, to the point where I didn’t bother going in… Days after which, I’d blame it on general ‘anxiety’ and fear. Which is only a part-truth.
For me, the hardest part of all has been not hearing from you. I do not wish for any of my words to sound critical. I didn’t know what to think and so, in a merry-go-round kind of way, I thought of everything in turn! Even after this time, I would welcome and encourage a few words from you. I find it hard to know that you are there but unable or unwilling to respond. If you’re afraid then, believe me; I can understand. I’ve grown up with a mind full of anxiety and fear. Every millisecond is over-analysed. I can take one situation and view several different potential outcomes. I would never criticise you for feeling afraid. It’s all part of being human and, even now, I still believe we could work through this, if only we talk together.
If I have ever said or done something that you’ve found difficult to accept or understand, I’d like to encourage you to open up and talk to me about it.
Should this be our final point of contact, I’d like you to know that I do not hate you. I will always care and I wish you well in your future. Should our paths cross in future, I promise I will look to make friendly contact and not avoid or shy away. I do not have any hard feelings towards you. I just wish that we could both talk, open and honestly. With courage, even if we have to fake it at first.
It’s been good and I believe it could’ve been very good. For now, I fear I must try to let you go, before I continue to lose myself.