For many years, I have believed that I am ‘not suited’ to working five-days a week. I’ve tried explaining it to people but true understanding is hard to find. A most common response is: ‘Well, I have to do it!!’ It could be a matter of perspective; it could be a lack of satisfaction in what I do. Either way, my bills will never disappear and I feel resigned to enduring life just so that I can keep earning and giving money away.
I changed jobs last year. A change for the better? Maybe. But I knew in advance that this was never something I was going to want to do long term. I fell out of love with it almost immediately my general mood has been deteriorating since Christmas. I’m snacking a lot. I feel and fear I’m putting on weight. Insomnia is a long-term presence within my life. I often think about ‘not going in’… And I’ve done this a few times. My boss knows about my anxiety issues. But I always have to return or hide away as the same person and I know, deep down, that running away is not the answer.
While I’m grateful that you were willing to give me an opportunity to work here in 2017, I’m asking you to understand that I am not happy. This is not the fault of yourself or anyone else working here; it is entirely how I feel and my reaction to putting myself in to this situation.
I say this without meaning any disrespect but I am just not interested in what we do, here. This way of working… It is not something I am comfortable with. In particular, the hours that develop in to days and sometimes even weeks, where I have absolutely nothing to do. Part of this ‘need’ to work is drawn upon from my unsettled mind and I recognise that. But I also feel like I could be spending my time doing something I am more passionate about. Not that I have an answer or even a question towards heading in that unknown direction.
I’ve had the occasional ‘unplanned’ absence and I have told you that I suffer with anxiety issues. But this is only part of the truth. My fear and temptations to ‘hide away’ remain constant. Have you noticed how I frequently arrive five or ten minutes late? It’s a sign of the fact that I don’t want to be here, because I am not comfortable enough to say this in person. If you would like to hand my my P45 though, I would indeed be very grateful! Perhaps that is the best resolution to this situation… Unless you’re prepared to pay me to stay at home and pop in as little, often and infrequently as I choose.