For many years, I have believed that I am ‘not suited’ to working five-days a week. I’ve tried explaining it to people but true understanding is hard to find. A most common response is: ‘Well, I have to do it!!’ It could be a matter of perspective; it could be a lack of satisfaction in what I do. Either way, my bills will never disappear and I feel resigned to enduring life just so that I can keep earning and giving money away.
I changed jobs last year. A change for the better? Maybe. But I knew in advance that this was never something I was going to want to do long term. I fell out of love with it almost immediately my general mood has been deteriorating since Christmas. I’m snacking a lot. I feel and fear I’m putting on weight. Insomnia is a long-term presence within my life. I often think about ‘not going in’… And I’ve done this a few times. My boss knows about my anxiety issues. But I always have to return or hide away as the same person and I know, deep down, that running away is not the answer.
It’s late. I should’ve gone to be a while ago. I should be in bed now, knowing that I have to go ‘there’ and continue this furious routine for another day.
But, I want to sit here and write. I’ve been bothered with ‘W’ for a while and had intended to sit down and write about this sometime last week… It hasn’t happened because I’ve been too busy. Too tired. Too anxious. Too many excuses.
Let’s write about work, when I should be resting in preparation for the next day, I say.
I had intended to join in with a group activity event today. It’s something I do quite regularly and I still owe many thanks to ‘B’ (if ever she reads this) for suggesting the idea AND finding the information five years ago.
I could be off now, trying to do something on my own… Instead, I’ve chosen to sit here and write. Partly so that I can hide away from the world but also, in an attempt to save myself from too much inner suffering and slaughter.
I came here a few weeks ago for the first time in months. I wrote something and found it beneficial. It would be nice to think that it really ‘gets it out of your head’ but I realise what I’m actually doing is sharing, with everyone and no-one (as an anonymous blogger). By writing here, I’m lessening the burden I place upon myself.
So, I’m back to write some more today. Already, having written very little, I feel a microscopic improvement.
Today is World Mental Health Day!
…Or, was that yesterday?…
Well, the date isn’t as relevant, as we could all learn to be more open to talk with less of an ‘excuse’ to do so.
While I could write about tiny success on a day-to-day basis, in the great battle against my own Anxieties, today I’ve chosen to reflect upon a significant change that’s taken place over a period of weeks.
This improvement began back in November…
If I was to be perfectly accurate, I should really have backdated the title of this post by forty-eight hours for a more accurate timing with my response and reflection to the events of that day.
This is another post about welcoming personal gratitude and achievement for the small things.
This evening, I’d like to begin with a positive reflection upon the day that has already passed.
A belated welcome to 2016! Here we are at the end of the first month already… Before we know it, 2017 will be here!
As the weekends arrive with the passing of each working week, I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to remove myself from under the duvet.
Image found on Instagram and is not my own.
Getting up in the morning is proving to be hard. Now, I could blame many aspects for this, including the time of year – but the weather, for one, is quite mild considering we’re almost halfway in to December. More importantly; I’m working to remind myself to be emotionally responsible and intelligent, with regards to my feelings.
It is not because of anything or anyone external that I am struggling to get out of bed. It is me.
Instead of dwelling on that, I’m going to try and write about how to I look for ways to get me going each Saturday and Sunday.