Friends or Lovers?

Tonight, I propose to you a question. It’s one I’ve never been able to answer and I welcome each and every opinion you may have to share. As far as I’m concerned, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I feel like I’m hoping to find my own answer…

What’s the difference between friendship and a relationship with a person?

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote here but I’d like you all to know that I’m doing well and that things are generally good in my life. That’s not to suggest that I’m constantly flying around the world, skydiving from one plane to the next and saving lives – as that would be extremely unrealistic! But I’m continuously moving forwards and trying new things. After 18 months of heartache, I feel like I’m ready to allow my heart to warm to someone else…

Someone I’ve known for less than a year. A woman who began as a friend and, who I feel this year, has begun to emerge as someone much more. Time will have to tell our fate or fortune. I can’t predict and I cannot promise. But I can hope.

It feels very different this time.

Thanks for being there. I would love to hear your own answers to the question.

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Day One

Whenever I e-mail a friend (the ones I e-mail are the ones I’m closest to, as it’s my best way of expressing myself), I regularly forget to include subjects paragraphs (talking points, if you will). My messages can be long enough even in their incomplete state (you should know that from having read followed blog) but I realised after writing a post here, yesterday (last year, hahaha!) that I forgot to share a big thinking-point that I’d come up with during my hours of contemplation.

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2013 – Year in Review

Here we are at the end of my first full-year on this blog. It’s ended in a more distant way than I would’ve expected. I mean, I had’t anticipated going on somewhat of an ‘exile’ from my own pages for much of the final few months. But I can recall back to last year’s post without entering any search terms and in this post, I’m going to reflect on my intentions for 2013, along with trying to summarise my achievements and realisations.

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Open Door

Even when I close the door, I never turn the key.

Should I hear a ring or knock, I will always answer. Eventually.

It’s a sound I can’t ignore.

A presence I’m half expecting.

Always waiting for.

Knowing that one day, she will always return.

My mind remains hushed while the body rattles.

I still expect the same end result.

I do this out of kindness.

I do not expect change.

It’s a test of resolve. A chance for redemption.

She has to make an effort. This year will soon draw to a close.

A divide exists. His eyes burn with nicotine in demand.

Those fists, I can’t restrain. But my door is always open.

I won’t lie. I can’t hide. Too many times, I’ve tried.

More Thoughts on Friends

Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.

So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.

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No Friend of Mine

I feel a bit of a rant coming on this afternoon… When something or someone irritates me, this is my way of choosing to deal with that emotion. I stop and assess where some might make a spontaneous decision. I choose to write here instead of biting back at any other person.

No sooner had I written once previously about saying ‘goodbye’ to someone and how I finally felt like I was moving on from that… This same person surprisingly emerged days later and on Facebook of all places!

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Thought Stopping

As I sit here, preparing to write this post, I look forward with no definite plans for the day. It’s been a great weekend so far though, as I’ve managed to see all three of my close friends within less than twenty-four hours (including meeting one of them for the very first time)!

Thought Stopper Wristband

I’d like to start by talking to you about the band I’m wearing around my wrist in the photo above. I apologise that this photo isn’t perfect and you can see large marking where the lens on my phone’s camera is slightly scratched. This is known as a Thought Stopper; an item designed to help those suffering from the likes of depression and anxiety; a means of preventing the need to self-harm.

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Acceptance

There’s one issue in my life that’s been quite a ‘theme’ for this blog in recent months and it’s not something I’ve openly written much about lately. There are a few individuals who I’ve confided in with this (you each know who you are) and I appreciate every effort you have made to just be there and support me and my own thoughts.

Now, it’s time for me to make my own decision. In fact, it’s one that I’ve already made…

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I DO Have Friends!

Hopefully you read my previous post on being honest… Well, a few days ago, I began writing a poem flooded with thoughts of my own loneliness and the discomfort I often feel within my own skin. I wanted to say how much I wish that you all are ‘real’. Your offers and hugs, thoughts and well wishes are greatly appreciated. I only wish we could share them physically (especially the hugs).

My second Resolution for 2013 is to make a better effort to acknowledge and spend time with friends, because I do have some who mean a lot to me, even if I don’t seen them very often or ever at all. They are mostly female and I think I have a fear of men generally. My intentions of friendship remain genuine with each and all of them. I a still seriously ‘hung up’ on May (in fact, she even mentioned that she noticed and suspected it herself – that’s when it first scared her, apparently).

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On Honesty

Tonight, I’m going to sit here and write two posts concerning my New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last few days as I’ve struggled with my own emotions a bit and my feelings for someone else.

This first post concerns the importance of being honest (not Ernest). Too many times in my life, I find it easier to duck my head beneath my shoulders and to accept the view or direction of another person, particularly if they’re male. I hide thoughts and feelings from the people (or person) I care about most for fear of scaring them away.

For 2013, I’m looking to be more assertive in being upfront and honest, as each situation comes with each new day. By speaking the truth, we will always get an answer. It may not always be the one we had hoped for but, I’d assume then that you’ll only have saved yourself from sorrow and upset later on.

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