Self-Depreciating

I’ve made a decision to come here and write, after a second consecutive day of doing little more than lounge around on the settee. Why I’m here, I don’t now. I’m struggling to make sense of all that’s been bothering me the last few days but even if I’m able to organise it all on this screen, then why am I doing it? What’s the purpose? What will I gain that will prevent me from doing the same next weekend?

I’ve been reflecting quite heavily on efforts I’ve made in the previous two years to try and help myself; namely counselling and attending self-help courses in CBT. All I’ve really learned is that I don’t want to help myself; that I have not done any of this for myself. Each time, I’ve secretly been doing it the hope that someone would love me and perhaps view me slightly differently to the person they already know.

There’s something I’m afraid to write and I don’t think I’m going to share it in this post either. Does that mean I’m afraid to face up to it? At the same time, I strongly believe it will happen some day.

I’ve been entertaining thoughts about doing more self-help and yet, my ambition remains the same. This isn’t to help me. I’m questioning the significance in helping yourself when you spend so much time alone anyway. If I’m broken inside or whatever, at least I’m not a threat to anyone else.

What keeps me going?

Hope. I’m aware of the fortunes I’ve had in meeting several women in the last 2½ years, yet I am still single and alone. What’s not helped me personally this weekend is to learn that someone I am fond of is suddenly dating someone new. I feel overlooked and I fear being replaced and unwanted. Inside, I know I don’t have the energy or will to meet anyone new – for fear that I’ll only end up with the usual round of disappointment. There is still one star in my sky I hold out for… It’s very distant and a very recent discovery. There’s every chance it’ll be gone before I get to glimpse it again but it feels like this is the only reason I continue. Once that fades, I just don’t know.

Am I seeking attention with this post? And, if I am then, respectfully, what good are the words and sympathies from people I’ll never know? Sorry, that sounds harsh.

What does the real world care? As long as I’m on time tomorrow morning and don’t clock out early at the end of the week… We’re set free at the weekends but they know where we belong.

I feel there’s more I could right here but the words have departed. However high I get, I will always fall back down. But what’s the point of climbing back up when you don’t enjoy your destination?

‘Stan’

This post will have nothing to do with the Eminem single that rose Dido high and up in to the limelight in the earls 00s… Even though I’ve ironically been subjected to listen to that artist’s ‘noise’ over the past few days at work!

Link to Stan on Amazon

Today, I want to write about the autobiography of Stan Collymore; a former-Premier League footballer (soccer player) who, later on in his short-lived career, received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

 

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As the Mirror Reflects

First day of the week; second day in a brand-new month and it’s time for me to share the latest reflections of my mind that have come about within the last 24 hours.

 

Friendship

Friendship (Photo credit: fabbriciuse)

Sunday was EPIC, as far as achievements go. I completed an incredible challenge and left the event feeling great for that. Except, along with those feelings of elation, there existed a cloud of sorrow, sadness and missing out. A formation comparatively minute in size, yet impossible to ignore; the evident dark splodge in an otherwise celestial clear blue sky.

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Without

Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.

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Always Waiting

So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.

Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.

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Day One

Whenever I e-mail a friend (the ones I e-mail are the ones I’m closest to, as it’s my best way of expressing myself), I regularly forget to include subjects paragraphs (talking points, if you will). My messages can be long enough even in their incomplete state (you should know that from having read followed blog) but I realised after writing a post here, yesterday (last year, hahaha!) that I forgot to share a big thinking-point that I’d come up with during my hours of contemplation.

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2013 – Year in Review

Here we are at the end of my first full-year on this blog. It’s ended in a more distant way than I would’ve expected. I mean, I had’t anticipated going on somewhat of an ‘exile’ from my own pages for much of the final few months. But I can recall back to last year’s post without entering any search terms and in this post, I’m going to reflect on my intentions for 2013, along with trying to summarise my achievements and realisations.

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Update – 11/12/13

As I begin to write this post, I’m aware that it may not reach you on the same day. My internet connection is ‘unstable’ at the moment but I intend to get that sorted next week. That’s the main reason I’ve been so quite in the last month, where I’ve been wanting to check in and to let you know that I’m still here.

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Monday Night Writing

Another night where I feel the urge to write.

What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.

I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…

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Hole in Me

I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.

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