Second Attempt

Hello! How are we all?

It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to write here that it felt remarkably strange, entering my user name to log-in to this unforgotten place.

I hope the title above these words doesn’t alarm anyone as I have mostly positive points to share.

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Affirmations

It’s been another long time since my previous post and I’d like to begin by wishing a warm and Merry Christmas to everyone who happens upon this post! 🙂 Oh, and I also wish you the very best of success for 2015!

A friend of mine often writes about inner critics (of course, she’s not the only one) and I’m no stranger to effects of self-destruction and low-lying self-esteem.

For while now [to put that in to perspective – I think I first entertained this thought sometime before my last post!], I’ve had it in mind to re-assume writing down my thoughts and until very recently, I’ve been brilliant at creating every excuse not to do this… Then, last week, I finally bought myself a notebook and over the weekend, I grabbed a spare pen to place ink on the first page!

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Psychological Correctness

It’s been a long time but I’ve been doing alright. Another absence; lots that has happened; other things that have yet to change but I’m getting by. Without further ado, I’m going to press on with this post!

For a while now, I’ve been a fan of Hank Green‘s work in front of the camera. I knew him first as a presenter on SciShow (as in the video below) and more recently, I’ve discovered that he has a more personal channel (Vlogbrothers) with his brother John (who seems to actually be pretty famous for someone I’d never heard of) and then there’s Games With Hank, where he plays a selection of computer games on a near-daily basis.

Below, I’ve chosen a video that represents everything I believe to be awesome about this guy as a presenter (I think he also produced it, which is even better). He’s talking about a taboo subject and yet he makes his points clear, he has a charismatic way of capturing the audience and I find it hard not to agree with him on this. Please watch the video below and I don’t think I’ll need to say anything more.

As a humorous sidenote to end; did you ever watch Boy Meets World in the 90s? Do you agree that Hank looks like a grown-up version of Stewart Minkus?! 😉

Thank you and please share the video.

PS. This is me being pedantic and perhaps misunderstanding… But are these terms actually psychiatrical (if that’s even a word?!) and not merely psychological?…

Self-Depreciating

I’ve made a decision to come here and write, after a second consecutive day of doing little more than lounge around on the settee. Why I’m here, I don’t now. I’m struggling to make sense of all that’s been bothering me the last few days but even if I’m able to organise it all on this screen, then why am I doing it? What’s the purpose? What will I gain that will prevent me from doing the same next weekend?

I’ve been reflecting quite heavily on efforts I’ve made in the previous two years to try and help myself; namely counselling and attending self-help courses in CBT. All I’ve really learned is that I don’t want to help myself; that I have not done any of this for myself. Each time, I’ve secretly been doing it the hope that someone would love me and perhaps view me slightly differently to the person they already know.

There’s something I’m afraid to write and I don’t think I’m going to share it in this post either. Does that mean I’m afraid to face up to it? At the same time, I strongly believe it will happen some day.

I’ve been entertaining thoughts about doing more self-help and yet, my ambition remains the same. This isn’t to help me. I’m questioning the significance in helping yourself when you spend so much time alone anyway. If I’m broken inside or whatever, at least I’m not a threat to anyone else.

What keeps me going?

Hope. I’m aware of the fortunes I’ve had in meeting several women in the last 2½ years, yet I am still single and alone. What’s not helped me personally this weekend is to learn that someone I am fond of is suddenly dating someone new. I feel overlooked and I fear being replaced and unwanted. Inside, I know I don’t have the energy or will to meet anyone new – for fear that I’ll only end up with the usual round of disappointment. There is still one star in my sky I hold out for… It’s very distant and a very recent discovery. There’s every chance it’ll be gone before I get to glimpse it again but it feels like this is the only reason I continue. Once that fades, I just don’t know.

Am I seeking attention with this post? And, if I am then, respectfully, what good are the words and sympathies from people I’ll never know? Sorry, that sounds harsh.

What does the real world care? As long as I’m on time tomorrow morning and don’t clock out early at the end of the week… We’re set free at the weekends but they know where we belong.

I feel there’s more I could right here but the words have departed. However high I get, I will always fall back down. But what’s the point of climbing back up when you don’t enjoy your destination?

‘Stan’

This post will have nothing to do with the Eminem single that rose Dido high and up in to the limelight in the earls 00s… Even though I’ve ironically been subjected to listen to that artist’s ‘noise’ over the past few days at work!

Link to Stan on Amazon

Today, I want to write about the autobiography of Stan Collymore; a former-Premier League footballer (soccer player) who, later on in his short-lived career, received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

 

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As the Mirror Reflects

First day of the week; second day in a brand-new month and it’s time for me to share the latest reflections of my mind that have come about within the last 24 hours.

 

Friendship

Friendship (Photo credit: fabbriciuse)

Sunday was EPIC, as far as achievements go. I completed an incredible challenge and left the event feeling great for that. Except, along with those feelings of elation, there existed a cloud of sorrow, sadness and missing out. A formation comparatively minute in size, yet impossible to ignore; the evident dark splodge in an otherwise celestial clear blue sky.

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Without

Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.

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