More Thoughts on Friends

Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.

So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.

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Final Draft

It does concern me a little, in that I’m beginning to write here a little more regularly than I have done. But I don’t feel the same ‘need’ to unleash waves of negativity and sorrow, as I have done at times in the past. Writing the post last night reminded me that this does help, as some of my blurred thoughts (or at least, their intensity) began to subside. I was able to begin the day in a better frame of mind.

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Five Qualities

Referring back to the experience of my first session in learning about Self-Esteem issues; I’m going to go on as I intended by writing about the five qualities I would look for in another person. That’s not to imply that I’m looking to amend or consider my current assessment (although, this may also help me with that). It’s mainly so that I can do as we were told in the class; to consider where I would position myself on each line and also, in relation to that “perfect” person.

Think Tank

Think Tank (Photo credit: Robiwan_Kenobi)

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Slowing Down

I can feel myself coming to this blog more frequently to write simply about things that concern me within my own life. Yet, I feel less inclined to write in-depth about subjects such as depression or anxiety. I’m not wishing to signify that I am ‘recovered’ in any way. I just intend to be able to write about things in general that I am not comfortable sharing with everyone else.

Image courtesy of a Google search.

 

Today, I’m writing about issues regarding my own speech, which appears to have deteriorated gradually over the last ten-years. I stutter, slur, stammer and stumble a lot more than I have ever known. As a writer, I’m more confident, clear and coherent. It may be another symptom of social anxiety and my general fear of people but I realised recently that I often feel a ‘need’ to speak a certain way; to force myself to sound upbeat and happy.

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Warning: I Will Reply

I was thinking of sharing a song with you this evening, as I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything new here lately and I do intend to keep things running on some kind of a regular basis. This afternoon, I developed thoughts of writing about how I’m doing at the moment – I’m not struggling but I seem to be exhausting myself with some form of intention. But now, I’ve decided to write about an e-mailing habit I have with friends and acquaintances. I’m not writing this to be critical of anyone singular or collectively, as I fear it could be misinterpreted in such a way. This is about a ‘problem’ I see within myself and I’m currently wondering what I can do here to help myself.

A long e-mail – image courtesy of a Google search.

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An Empath’s Reflection

I may’ve just sent a message that’s potentially ended a ‘friendship’ I’ve shared with a trouble soul for the past year. I hope that I’m just over-thinking and that she realises, at the bottom of it all, that I’m still here for her. But, pressing on, I want to write a kind of reflection to the blog post I shared in my last post

“You are an Empath”

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Muting the Noise

Wow, what a difference a little solitude makes!

Also, having a shower, even late at night, offers some ‘healing properties’, regardless of whether the air outside is hot or cold.

So, today, I forced myself to be bold and to go and sit in my vehicle for each of my three breaks (I know, that probably reads like the opposite of being brave and instead, avoiding a situation…). I walked in to the canteen as usual, picked up my cup of tea and walked out (the last one to leave) without making eye contact with anyone. I couldn’t bear the thought that someone might notice and say something but, they didn’t (at least, not before I’d left the room).

Outside in the car park, I was greeted by a couple of surprised by welcoming faces who were basically on my side.

We’re situated right next to a major motorway but the rushing sounds of passing cars didn’t bother me much. It was so nice to be away from all of that negative energy. To be able to see daylight and to feel the direct warmth of the sun. My mind was spared the usual routine jokes and questions (about others; never about me, I feel inclined to add). That Radio was still blasting away but I was unable to hear it.

PEACE!

Solitude!

And a sense of freedom in my escape from a routine that had dogged me for precisely two-years. 🙂

I’m a little concerned by what might happen in the winter time (if I’m still working here) but, I’ve survived longer lunch breaks and college in the past. I can do it again. I must keep looking after myself! This is one way in which I can combat the ‘noise’ at work. Now, I wonder what I can do about my home life, living with family…?

Realising?

Hello everyone!

I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).

I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).

We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…

All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…

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‘I Should Be Happy’

As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.

When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.

This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.

I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.

Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.

Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛

Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.

 

Back to Bed

My posting has been infrequent here lately and it’s even more rare to find a second post from me within the same day. Usually, it’s not a great sign. Or, at least, an indication that something is troubling me.

After writing my previous post this morning, I felt as though I was lying to myself. Although I didn’t write it, I wanted to try and portray the message that I was okay with having nothing to do today and no-one to see… I wasn’t. I haven’t been alright. In fact, since I woke up this morning after my most disruptive night’s sleep for several weeks, I’ve felt like bursting in to tears on several occasions. Continue reading