Well, the title isn’t quite the perfect fit for this posting but, I did venture out to Blaise Castle this afternoon in an attempt to try and rid myself of some of the emotion I’ve been feeling over the whole ‘May’ situation this week. As you may remember, it was the very first ‘adventure’ I went on, back in August. I already had the majority of photos I needed and only really went back with the intention of capturing the two caves I was unable to snap before. Also, it is a place that I associate with my memory of and feelings for May. When we first met online, we talked about going here together. It never happened and, I did feel a bit ‘guilty’ going there alone. It’s one of a few places that will always remind me of her… Some may say that it’s best to avoid those kind of situations. However, I’m trying to be strong. If we end up avoiding things, we end up living in fear and, I can honestly say that I’ve spent enough of my life living in fear.
On a lighter note, I did eventually make it out of the house today and back up to Leigh Woods, where I was only a few weeks ago. It took me a while to get going but I started with a shower, which did help. I still haven’t yet changed my bed sheets and I still want to trim my hair a bit but, I will do that soon. I couldn’t leave as soon as I wanted to because my mum’s friend had arrived to trim the hedge at the front of the house. There was room for me to escape but, as friendly as he is, I just couldn’t face having to interact with him or anyone else. So, I hid away and waited until he’d finished clearing up and drove off.
Last time I was at these woods, my camera’s battery died after two-hours of wandering. This time, I was prepared! Not only was it (almost) fully charged but, I’d also bought a spare! The 16GB SD card I bought at the same time seems to be lasting well – I’ve used it on three days now and yet, I still have around 1,600 photos left to take!
One journey I was hoping to make last time was up to the Clifton Suspension Bridge and, as you’ll see from the photos, I made it this time.
I must admit that I’m neglecting my 30 Days of Truth Challenge at the moment. Partly because of how low my mood was for the past couple of days but, even today, after conquering two giant hills and feeling much better, I’m unable to think of one thing that people never seem to compliment me on (Day 12).
That’s not to suggest that I receive total praise and credit where it’s due. I just can’t think of it right now.
So, let’s have a look at where I’ve been today…
I want to try and keep this one going as a positive post because I’ve done well to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and out in to the fresh air of the Somerset countryside. Ever since I finished work yesterday lunchtime though, my mood has been on a steady decline. I spent the afternoon sleeping on top of my bed; I couldn’t even be bothered to walk the dog. My evening was no more pro-active and I was struggling to get going today. Even when I left the house, I wasn’t really in the mood and this usually changes once I’m out and about…
Maybe I’m finally getting bored of my own company? I have thoughts of not having to return to work until Thursday but still, I know I’m going to spend this time on my own. Maybe it was the setting?
Whatever the cause, I’m feeling low today and, not for the first time since I’ve been in counselling, I’m finding myself unable to crawl down and ‘hide away’ in my secret, safe space. It’s surrounded by nature; buried beneath a layer of leaves and grass. Inside, it is dark but, the walls are warm and earthly. Now, it’s as if someone’s concreted over and filled it in. I cannot break through, I cannot get in. I’m left stand out in the cold, exposed, feeling the way that I do right now.
Anyway, let’s have a look at where I went today…
Last night, I wasn’t feeling at my best, as you’re probably aware from my previous post. This cold was still hanging around when I awoke this morning but, I forced myself in to doing a ten-minute meditation for self-esteem and, after that and listening to some music, I was feeling better about facing the ‘lonely’ day ahead. I was up by 8 o’clock eating my bacon sandwich and I was then online, planning the day’s adventure (I’d decided to give it a try, even though my nose was running and I wasn’t able to contain any of my sneezes).
This week, I ventured over to Leigh Woods, which is a twenty-minute drive from home and, only a mile away (maybe less) from the Ashton Court Estate that I visited last week. It always seems to be the way with these days out… I don’t expect much at all. Even before I leave, I’m telling myself that it won’t live up to the previous day out. Yet, Ashton Court impressed me last week and, even though my camera’s battery died after only two-hours today, I still feel very good for having gotten out of the house.
This was somewhere I’d not been before. At least, not as far as I can remember… I can recall visiting some woodland with a friend’s family as a child but, wherever that was, the drive felt much longer.
Despite feeling quite low in both enthusiasm and energy this morning (worse than on a weekday before work), I managed to get myself out of bed at 7.05am and headed off to do my food shopping, which I would usually do on a Thursday or Friday evening. But, I was busy last night and just wasn’t in the mood on Thursday. I got up and left this morning without any breakfast or anything. No cup of tea and I didn’t even brush my teeth. I was keen to get it out of the way and avoid the rush and crowds in the process, which I did. 🙂
A few hours later, I was getting myself ready (preparing lunch and packing my bag) for a few hours at the Ashton Court Estate, which marks the second weekend where I have made an effort in getting myself out of the house and spending some time enjoying the outdoors.
It had been so long
Eighteen-years and counting
But the journey to reach you
Felt like climbing a mountain
I was afraid.
So long, I had waited
But, setting off from the car park
My breath was already baited!
It seemed unfamiliar, until the museum
Inside, it all came back to me
The history, paintings, Mr.Hughes and the caning!
One look outside, the estate was waiting!
I found my own trail and began to explore
My camera was ready and I kept finding more!
But the castle was hidden, along with both caves
I used my own compass but, wasn’t sure of the way
Then, when I found you, my dream was achieved
That sense of achievement and all I’d believed
Now, I set off with new sites to explore
But, at Blaise Castle, there will always be MORE!
One day, I’ll return, just to see you inside
I hope to bring with me a friend and our pride