Realising?

Hello everyone!

I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).

I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).

We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…

All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…

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Ring, Ring!

Ahead of my appointment (assessment) for a course of CBT tomorrow morning, I’m going to share a couple of small personal achievements that I’ve made this week.

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It’s Friday

Here we are, close to the end of another week (or, should that be the dawn of a new one?) and I’m well aware that I haven’t posted as much as I would usually have done in the past couple of weeks. A couple of people have shared their concerns through e-mail to ask whether I’m okay and I’d just like to reassure all of you that I’m fine. It’s only that I haven’t had the usual ‘urgency’ to write as much as I’ve needed to in the past. Also, working until 17.00 most days, I tend to get home, sit down with a cup of tea, reply to a couple of e-mails and, before I know it; it’s 21.30 and I’ve still not had anything to eat!

tesco slough

tesco slough (Photo credit: osde8info)

I’d like to end this week with a brief reflection on the positives from within the past seven days.

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Anxprocrastdelay!

By the time this is posted, I should be about an hour in to a 12-mile walk with the group I joined recently…

Instead, I’ve just arrived home and I’m sat rather comfortably infront of my laptop, typing this!

This walk was due to start at 1oam, with the meeting point being Parkway Station in Bristol. According to Google Maps, it would take me 33 minutes to get there so, I said to myself last night and this morning that I would leave at 9.15, to get there are early and change my footwear, pay for parking and find a place to wait for the others to arrive. Even if I drove or got a bus to a local train station (I’ve never been on a train alone), I believe that the cost of a ticket would outweigh the amount of fuel consumed and the parking charges as well.

At 9.15am, I was just coming out of the bathroom, in spite of the fact that I got myself out of bed this morning at 7.40. Plenty of time for preparation, indeed… However, that’s not the game I tend to play. Procrastination plagues my life and even my daily routine at times.

Eventually, I left home in my van at almost 9.30. There was a slim chance that I would even reach the car park in time. I tried my trick of adding five-miles to every maximum speed that I past but, I think I lost any added time I might have saved by turning right at one roundabout too early, just before the station. All I could hope was that their train from Temple Meads would be delayed, just as it was when I did the other walk in Keynsham recently.

It was bang on 10am as I drove in to the station, looking for a place to park. My late-night research had told me to look for the short term bays, as I would probably only be there for six-hours at most but, they weren’t marked clearly enough for me. Although, sometimes, I do look too hard when it can pay to step back and look at where the sign is actually pointing…

After one trip through the entire car parking site (Do I park under cover? Can I park under cover? Bloody speed bumps!), I did a U-turn to complete my lap and, as I passed a small walkway leading down from the station, I noticed a line of water-proofed back-packers cross my sight. One of them (who I recognised from my first walk) even looked my way.

I was too late.

Naturally, I got quite frustrated with myself on the journey home. I palmed (not punched) the steering wheel as I headed out of the station and off towards the M5 motorway. To be completely honest with you though, there was a part of me that wanted to miss it…

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