Having just logged in to my account for the first time this week, I’ve received a notification to say that my blog is now officially one-year old! It’s a twelve month period that’s gone by pretty fast, even during the recent times where I haven’t been here regularly enough to write.
My blog is one-year old this month!
It’s true that I haven’t had an awful lot to write about or, where I have wanted to write spontaneously, I haven’t been able to sit down here and do that. Perhaps I should finally invest in a small notebook to at least keep the thoughts on record? We take a week off from the CBT course this week because of the Bank Holiday (I hope you’ve all had a good one) with the final session to come next Monday. In order to put something new on these pages, I am going to write this evening, about a situation that has signified some of the positive change within me.
Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).
As I haven’t written much at all of late, I’ve decided to try and compile a list of my specific anxieties; something that I can refer to later on and hopefully begin to assess and address each of them, one by one. This post is mostly for future reference.
My six-week evening course in Anxiety Management comes to an end this week. It’s been very educational, that’s for sure, and there are positive experiences I can take from having interacted with the group. But, I’ve barely been able to focus or concentrate fully on any given task, especially when it has come to homework. My mind is over-occupied with growing fear for a friend and I’m struggling generally to cope. I noticed during one homework assignment that I was criticising myself for not being able to cope in a situation, instead of fearing the generalised situation itself… If that makes sense?!
I’d like to thank each of you who has been there for me personally through e-mail and also, for those of you reading this who have also supported me through this blog. I am some way from giving up but, as much as I am struggling, I’m doing a better job of trying to hide it. I’m aiming to start the Low Self-Esteem course, which I think begins in July. But, if I’m anything like I am now then, it could be a waste of time.
For now though, he is my list of anxieties I’m aware that I suffer from. I’ll try to add to this if and when.
Toilet Anxiety – a fear of using shared, public loos that affects my diet and the irregular intake of evening meals on an average weekday.
Social Anxiety – fear of interacting with new people and feelings of inadequacy. A constant sense that people (even in passing cars along a busy road) may be noticing me.
Fear of Men – this relates to issues with my dad and a lack of a sustainable father figure growing up.
Fear of my Father – as above but more personal and much harder to avoid, as you’re ‘supposed‘ to love your family…
Fear for my friend’s safety, wellbeing and life at the hands of an abusive man.
It’s been years since I last visited the dentist. Now, I can’t even pick up the phone to make a new appointment (I’m not afraid of routine check-ups).
That’s my list so far and I may well add to it in future as I’m sure there are others.
Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.
This evening, I just want to write a bit about my experience with the assessment I had this morning, in preparation for a potential course of CBT, funded by the NHS. All I’ll say to summarise is that it was a POSITIVE experience and I’m left feeling that way about the future and my options after this thirty-minute appointment. I haven’t planned the rest of the post from here, which is unusual for me (I usually do this mentally throughout the course of a day) so, here I go, hoping not to miss too much out.
I hope that no-one’s too concerned with my recurring absence from this blog. Honestly, it’s nothing to worry about. If there really was a problem, I’d tell you about it, right here. I’ve noticed that other bloggers enjoy a break from ‘the screens’ every now and again and that’s really all I’m doing. I miss you all and I miss reading what you’ve been up to. While there’s still an hour left of this morning (another lazy lie-in), I’m going to try to catch up with who and what I can.
For today’s post, I’d like to take inspiration from my friend Linda’s blog, who writes weekly about the little victories she makes in her battle for recovery. I’m not as dedicated to the same cause but, lacking in inspiration or ideas to write anything else, I’d like to share some of the positive triumphs I’ve made in the past seven-days.
I feel I could or should be sat here now, thinking and coming up with a list of resolutions for the impending new year. Already, I’ve decided that there is one change I am going to try and enforce, day by day and that is to be completely honest with people.
I’ve always considered myself to be an honest person but, as I’m sure many of you will understand; certain situations arrive where it seems easier to lie about your thoughts and feelings. To ‘go with the flow’ for an easier ride.
If I don’t like something, I’m not going to pretend that I’m interested. If I disagree with a statement or procedure at work, I’m going to make my voice heard. This isn’t going to be easy and, if I look at the full picture, it’s going to distort be come an overwhelming blur. That’s why I’m aiming to take it one day at a time. As each day comes. Instead of looking for things, I’ll allow them to happen.