Having just logged in to my account for the first time this week, I’ve received a notification to say that my blog is now officially one-year old! It’s a twelve month period that’s gone by pretty fast, even during the recent times where I haven’t been here regularly enough to write.
My blog is one-year old this month!
It’s true that I haven’t had an awful lot to write about or, where I have wanted to write spontaneously, I haven’t been able to sit down here and do that. Perhaps I should finally invest in a small notebook to at least keep the thoughts on record? We take a week off from the CBT course this week because of the Bank Holiday (I hope you’ve all had a good one) with the final session to come next Monday. In order to put something new on these pages, I am going to write this evening, about a situation that has signified some of the positive change within me.
Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).
As I haven’t written much at all of late, I’ve decided to try and compile a list of my specific anxieties; something that I can refer to later on and hopefully begin to assess and address each of them, one by one. This post is mostly for future reference.
My six-week evening course in Anxiety Management comes to an end this week. It’s been very educational, that’s for sure, and there are positive experiences I can take from having interacted with the group. But, I’ve barely been able to focus or concentrate fully on any given task, especially when it has come to homework. My mind is over-occupied with growing fear for a friend and I’m struggling generally to cope. I noticed during one homework assignment that I was criticising myself for not being able to cope in a situation, instead of fearing the generalised situation itself… If that makes sense?!
I’d like to thank each of you who has been there for me personally through e-mail and also, for those of you reading this who have also supported me through this blog. I am some way from giving up but, as much as I am struggling, I’m doing a better job of trying to hide it. I’m aiming to start the Low Self-Esteem course, which I think begins in July. But, if I’m anything like I am now then, it could be a waste of time.
For now though, he is my list of anxieties I’m aware that I suffer from. I’ll try to add to this if and when.
Toilet Anxiety – a fear of using shared, public loos that affects my diet and the irregular intake of evening meals on an average weekday.
Social Anxiety – fear of interacting with new people and feelings of inadequacy. A constant sense that people (even in passing cars along a busy road) may be noticing me.
Fear of Men – this relates to issues with my dad and a lack of a sustainable father figure growing up.
Fear of my Father – as above but more personal and much harder to avoid, as you’re ‘supposed‘ to love your family…
Fear for my friend’s safety, wellbeing and life at the hands of an abusive man.
It’s been years since I last visited the dentist. Now, I can’t even pick up the phone to make a new appointment (I’m not afraid of routine check-ups).
That’s my list so far and I may well add to it in future as I’m sure there are others.
Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.
This evening, I just want to write a bit about my experience with the assessment I had this morning, in preparation for a potential course of CBT, funded by the NHS. All I’ll say to summarise is that it was a POSITIVE experience and I’m left feeling that way about the future and my options after this thirty-minute appointment. I haven’t planned the rest of the post from here, which is unusual for me (I usually do this mentally throughout the course of a day) so, here I go, hoping not to miss too much out.