“Write your own eulogy.“
This one has come at a rather convenient time for me personally, as I lost my granddad, 82-years old, one week ago today.
Last night, during a dream, I found myself sat in a large room in a one-to-one type situation. In fact, I vaguely remember driving to this venue (in a car I scrapped almost two-years ago) along with my sister, who I think had somewhere to go (quite possibly school, which she finished in 2005).
Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.
Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.
As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad“] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!
At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.
A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.
Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!
I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?
Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂
I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…
Another day and another challenge. I’ve already worked my way up in to the twenties, which means I haven’t got long left until this month-long challenge is complete! I’m going to try and approach these remaining days as spontaneous and instinctively as possible. Without giving too much and allowing an answer to come through naturally; acknowledging and accepting it.
For my first post here and, as I welcome you to this blog, I’d like to try and go back to my childhood to talk about something that plagued me for several years; eating away at my social confidence while possibly giving birth to the anxieties that would later go on to plague my every day life.
This post concerns a form of ‘Toilet Phobia‘.