I was thinking of sharing a song with you this evening, as I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything new here lately and I do intend to keep things running on some kind of a regular basis. This afternoon, I developed thoughts of writing about how I’m doing at the moment – I’m not struggling but I seem to be exhausting myself with some form of intention. But now, I’ve decided to write about an e-mailing habit I have with friends and acquaintances. I’m not writing this to be critical of anyone singular or collectively, as I fear it could be misinterpreted in such a way. This is about a ‘problem’ I see within myself and I’m currently wondering what I can do here to help myself.
As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.
When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.
This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.
I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.
Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.
Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛
Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.
- Are you Happy? (kopasite.wordpress.com)
- Happiness, the ultimate human goal (sciencelens.wordpress.com)
- Adolescence and Self-Dissatisfaction (psychologytoday.com)
- I’m scared of Me. (amorphousinklings.wordpress.com)
- Are you satisfied? (patrickrhone.com)
- 5 Ways to Stop Being Afraid of Happiness. (elephantjournal.com)
- What Can I Do To Make Things Better? (initfortheparking.com)
- Full of Fear (flightoftheflightless.com)
- Am I Doing what I Really, Really, Want to Do? (psychologymatters.asia)
- What We Deserve (lifeattwentysomething.com)
I wanted to include this somewhere in my previous post about the trip to Bath today but, it wouldn’t fit.
As I was walking around the perimeter of a playing field, I passed a young (mid-to-late 30s) couple walking with their daughter. The man never spoke a word and I couldn’t make eye contact with any one of them after the initial glance but, as we passed, the woman greeted me with a ‘Good afternoon‘. I responded with an undignified ‘Hi…‘, while trying to awkwardly smile at the ground.
Then, the daughter did the exact same thing as I walked past her (I guess they breed good manners in their family – or, is it true what I’ve heard about people from Bath… ;-)). Again, I uttered nothing more than a discreet ‘Hi…‘, while trying to force a believable smile that only the fallen leaves would see.
She then approached her mother – “He only says hi!“, as if to suggest that she needs a break from her elocution lessons! I didn’t her the mother’s response and I’m not going to place a judgement on them by contemplating anything more. I’ll take it as I first heard it and try to maintain a genuine smile, if only hidden inside the walls of my skull. 🙂
…I’m more concerned by the way in which the woman attempted to greet me, even though I was clearly looking downwards, in the hope of avoiding even the slightest form of confrontation. No-one else even muttered a word to me (apart from the ‘tramp’ who wanted his photo taken)… But, I think we’re all a little bit awkward in those situations. Most people go for a walk to get away from stressful situations.
Come to think of it, why was the little girl off school? I saw another couple of girls playing with their two dogs and mother in another field. Some kids were being walked home from school as I made my way back to the car park but clearly, not all children in Bath were at school today…
I’m weak… I said I was going to resist contacting her for now but, I gave in, only to let her know how my day went and to assume that she was doing quite well. She replied to say quite the opposite. She was glad to hear from me and, of my day but, it’s clear that there’s something very, very wrong in their relationship. She is desperately unhappy. I felt like she was trying to reach out to me so, I offered a hand. In fact, I did a bit more than that by asking her if she’d like to talk about it (even after she said she hates talking about personal stuff and regrets making things public on social networking sites)… She told me to leave her alone. I won’t quote it properly because it was all written in upper-case with lots of exclamation marks behind. I am surprise she didn’t unfriend me on the spot but then, I have left her alone and it’s clear that she’s in a very dark and lonely place.
I worry about her but, once again, I’ve realised that I cannot help someone who is not prepared (or afraid) to help themselves.
A little while after that and, still online, I received a message from someone on a dodgy dating site (POF). She said I seemed genuine but, having spoken to her for a couple of hours, I’m beginning to feel that the word (genuine) is only true in the eye of the beholder (like beauty and perfection). At first, she seemed very ‘genuine’, sharing my interest in walking and we had more in common. I asked about her writing and she offered to show me some of her work…