It’s not very often that I have dreams and I’ve never really been sure if that it isn’t a sign that a part of my life needs to change. Dreams are a natural process of the subconscious, right? Maybe a lack of regular sleep is a factor. That’s certainly been a habit of late; waking up frequently during the night and early mornings. Deliberately staying up late and, with time off work, laying in bed until it’s almost noon.
One night in this last week though, I had a dream involving two women (calm down) that I’d like to try and share.
I could pick out one of several friendships from my childhood and, even, one or two acquaintances I’ve made through work. For whatever reason, people seem to disappear from my life once that common ‘thing’ (work, college, etc.) has ended. It doesn’t matter how I may feel about them as a friend and, how much I may wish to stay in touch; it never seems to happen.
Even re-connecting with people through Facebook doesn’t make any difference.
Day 9 – Someone I Didn’t Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted
Through having lived with my own social anxiety for, I reckon, more than fifteen-years now, I’ve more recently developed symptoms of speech impediment, where I have difficulty pronouncing certain words and sentences in certain situations. As far as I can remember, this started back when I got my first job, working face-to-face in a customer service role.
This one man would come in (usually on a Saturday). He was friendly enough and always seemed to recognise me and make note of the fact in a kind way. But, he had this stutter and, when he talked, my reaction was to feel very uncomfortable (being very timid at the time) and unsure of how to act. Of course, I’ve never said anything about it (to anyone) and I helped him on his way.
That feeling and the memory, of each time I’d interacted with this name-less man, it has always stayed strong in my mind. After a while, I even found myself beginning to stammer and stutter and, well, it’s never gone away since then.
My first post on this site was one where I explained my experiences throughout life with one form of Toilet Phobia. While I am now far and beyond the majority of the problems and complications I suffered with this through childhood, there is another issue that bears some relevance. It’s something I’ve lived with for over ten-years now, perhaps even longer. I’ve spoken to my GP about it on several occasions and I’ve even been referred to a urologist twice in three years. But, I find myself suffering alone with this, several times every single day.
Thinking back through my employment history (stretching back just over ten-years now, including part-time work), I’ve not really had one job that I can say I’ve truly enjoyed. I try not to make a secret of the fact that I dislike the job I’m in at the moment (except for when I’m in work) and, although I like to think that I’d be ‘happier’ doing something else, well, I’ve worked in other places and, even when I have my ‘good’ days, I’ve never truly been able to say that I’ve enjoyed a single job that I’ve had.
In this post, I’m going to try and talk briefly about my work history, in the hope of recognising and understanding any signs and symptoms of anxiety, so that I can aim to improve my current life and my future.