Realising?

Hello everyone!

I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).

I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).

We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…

All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…

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‘Different Devil’ – Chickenfoot

Another song for you today. 🙂

This isn’t one I’ve actually heard on the radio for some time. We’re talking months, if not close to one year already. I’ve only just listened to it for the first time since as I found this video on YouTube.

Flashback a year ago and it was a song that was feature regularly on Planet Rock. To be more specific, I’d hear almost every time I made the one-hour drive up to Gloucester and then back again, back when I was seeing ‘Jan’.

(I hope you enjoy this live recording. You’re missing much from the studio version, unless you’re obsessed with Joe Satriani, perhaps.)

You’ll find the complete lyrics for this song further down but, as I entered the ‘friendship/relationship’ with a head full of doubt, there were two lines I’d hear that always stuck in my mind. Especially during the long and emotional drive home. The fact that we briefly became ‘an item’ (for all of six-days before falling out) didn’t affect this.

Walk away!
If you think there’s someone better
Run away!
Into the arms of something new

I’m not wishing to compare anyone to the devil but, as I said; I always had my doubts. I never even viewed it as a long-term relationship (which is what I desired), if I’m honest.

I don’t relate this song to recent events; it’s more that these developments I haven’t spoken of publicly have caused me to reflect on the situation I was in almost a year ago.

But it don’t mean nothin’ ‘less it’s got something for me and you

…Maybe I can relate to that one right now. It’s just ‘funny’ how one song can speak to you at the right time. I’m struggling hard to think or any lines or lyrics that have called out to me within the last eight-months though (except possibly ‘Adrenaline’, ‘Unity’ and ‘Second Chance’… All song titles).

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