As I mentioned briefly in my previous post; I’m doing okay for the moment and I see my ‘withdrawal’ from this site as a positive thing (not having too many new negative thoughts to contemplate and generally coping with day-to-day life). Whether or not that’s solely down to the CBT work I’m doing with Positive Step; I don’t know. I’m sure there’s some personal benefit coming from this course and that’s what I’d like to start by writing about this evening.
If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.
…Can I pre-date a blog post? 😛
I was talking the mum about many things the other evening and, in my attempt to be completely honest with people from this year on; I began by telling her that I only needed her to listen when I talk. That her opinion or advice is not something I am asking for and that some things she said before Christmas only made me feel guilty. She took this well and so, the conversation went on and lasted for some time.
Mum told me about the first time she had seen me ‘like this’ and that was over a decade ago, when I was secretly skipping lessons during my A-Levels at school. This merged in to days before transforming in to weeks. I still don’t know how I got away with it for so long or, to be honest, why I ever did it. I can remember being home the day my mum answered a call from the Head of Sixth Form… I think I was supposed to be in one that day yet, I was hidden upstairs in my room. Maybe even lying in bed; listening and waiting.
This is one of several poems I’ve written in the last few days as we were asked to write a poem to share with the writing class this evening. What I’m about to share with you know is the one I had intended to share with the class… But, the greater news is that I didn’t share this one. Instead, I shared the one I posted last night (‘Courage’) and it went down very well.
My tutor commented that I ‘describe a lot with very few words’, or something to that effect. I also heard a definite ‘I like it!‘ from one of the others in the class! 😎
It was great to hear everyone else’s work and how, again, everyone had created and shared something different. I was worried that people might think of mine as being a bit dark or something but, no other comments were made and it wasn’t as if people began to inch further away from me with their seats! 😉
We’ve got two weeks before (along with the others) I’m expected to share the short story I haven’t even begun to write yet. We also have another homework assignment and I really need to sit down and put myself in a position to write freely and in good time. I have bad habits that lead me towards blogging and e-mailing others that distract me from my work. No disrespect to any of you and please do not feel as though you may have to change anything; I’m the one who needs to stop procrastinating and leaving things until the final evenings when I’m already tired from work.
I manage to pick up on a few points in the story we read through tonight, which is good, considering I have such difficulty concentrating and remembering what I have read, especially when someone else is reading aloud. I feel kind of guilty sometimes as others seem to pick up on some much more. I never grasp it first time. If there’s one disappointment though, it’s that I didn’t seize a potential opportunity to help someone who asked the group for a lift to her car. No-one else was going that way and, although it would’ve meant a minor diversion on my journey home, I would’ve been happy to help. I felt it would’ve been awkward though as we’ve not even said hello and, to be fair, she seemed to direct her question to the other end of the room.
Still, I shouldn’t dwell on things like this. Please continue reading to see the poem that I was going to share:
It’s been a long day today. I was up at 6am getting ready for work at 7am. As I awoke, I realised that I still had my earphones plugged in from my night-time meditation session! Did I listen to any of it?! I hoped so! After breaking my routine recently and entering a bad habit of not listening to it every night or day, I really felt as though I was going to need to reassurance this evening.
Only thirty-minutes after arriving home from work, I wanted to be ready and out of the door again for a drive in to the centre of Bristol. Today, was the first in my Short Fiction writing course.