‘All In Vain’
A shining sun
With skies so blue
A winter’s day
To share, with you
Our time apart
So many weeks
To see your smile
And raise your cheeks
We made a plan
It all went so well
Those photos you took
They’d surely sell
Home time arrived
Why always so fast?
That warm, flowing feeling
I want it to last
Again, I feel I’m second best
As if my work is for the the rest
A man you love, he’s in control
An evil bastard with no soul
I am afraid of what I know
For the love I may never show
Tears fall, my head sinks and then
Fears I’ll never see you again
Push too far and
I will break
I’m here to save you
For goodness’ sake!
Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…
***TRIGGER WARNING ***
***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***
I really should try to sit down properly and write a poem on this but, I’m also afraid of getting too deeply involved in it all, just when I feel I might be beginning to find my way to cope with the news of the engagement from a few weeks ago.
It’s been exactly three-months to the day (although, that was a Saturday), since May and I last met in person (this discounts the one occasion a few weeks ago where I believe I drove past her as she walked along the pavement with her brother…). I am sorry that we’ve not been able to meet up in this time, even though she has suggested that it could’ve happened at several points.
This post really isn’t about me… I still have my fears for her and, however much I try to distance myself from her, I cannot shake away my concerns. Again, I’m reluctant to take any of this personally or to heart, as I have no reason to believe that she has seen any of her other friends in that time and, I’m still asking myself, why?
There’s not a lot that I could do, whatever the true situation may be. I know she was well aware of this ‘unhealthiness‘ when we first met (she told me as much) but, it’s sad to see her suspected slide back down in to the same old state.
We’ve actually had a rather promising and productive week, as friends. Just as I’m trying to distance myself by not messaging her too often (I know that sounds cold), a text arrives to say how scared she is about a certain incident. She came straight to me, ahead of anyone else. I could question why she didn’t contact her fiancée but, I was delighted to be able offer reassurance. She then replied to say how she knew that she could only really get the best opinion from me. Well, okay, if do you say so… 😀
But, as soon as I turned to the question of whether she’d like to meet up soon (no date, no suggestions) – silence. Message read, without reply. Hmmmm…
Yesterday morning, I decided to send her a short story she had asked about a week or two earlier. It’s more of a first-person journal entry from my perspective of the day we first met. But, over 2,000 spread across three A4 pages, nonetheless!! I was concerned she might get the wrong impression over some of my views but, she read it straight away and loved it! She even had the acute audacity to remind me that I’d forgotten at least one event from the day (I could recall a second as well).
Maybe it’s just women… (No offence intended towards anyone!) You can’t love them, you can’t live with them and, it’s not even that straight-forward being friends with them…. 😳
(Of course, I am joking but, it helps to show that my mood is in better spirits this evening. ;-))
Wow, I’ve had a difficult few hours with regards to my emotions and feelings towards ‘May’ but, it looks as though there may now be a resolution to the whole thing.
It all started when I got home from work. While checking my e-mails, I logged in to Facebook for a look around (as is part of my usual routine) and instantly noticed that her name had vanished from the chat menu on the right hand side. I did a search for her but came up with nothing. Typing in a name of one of her friends told me that we still had ‘1 Mutual Friend‘ but, trying to access her (photo-less) profile through one of her previous messages resulted in a ‘profile not found’ message appearing on the screen.