One Week Left!

Last week, I decided to skip on an update with my CBT course. There’s no great reason for that; I simply felt as though that session was a bit ‘meh’, in the sense that I didn’t feel like I’d learned or come away with much at the end of it. That remains the only time on this course but I’m not trying to knock it because I’m sure some others would’ve benefited.

In short, I didn’t feel as though I had anything within me to report! 🙂

Now, having just completed week seven… There’s only one more week to go!! :-O

Continue reading

New Self-Esteem?

Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).

[Image taken from: http://blog.lib.umn.edu%5D

Continue reading

First Step

Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.

Continue reading

Writing

This is going to be a bit of an update on my writing course, as I haven’t had much of a chance to do one before.

Next Thursday is going to be our final session together as a group and, it’s fair to say that I’m going to miss this very much once it’s over. This course was supposed to have ended by now but, as we had to cancel one week, we’re fortunately able stay on a little bit longer and to make up for that lost time.

‘Officially’ though, our final session was on Thursday, which was also the day where we were each required to bring in and share our completed short stories.

Continue reading

‘As Water Falls’ (Poem)

This is one of several poems I’ve written in the last few days as we were asked to write a poem to share with the writing class this evening. What I’m about to share with you know is the one I had intended to share with the class… But, the greater news is that I didn’t share this one. Instead, I shared the one I posted last night (‘Courage’) and it went down very well.

My tutor commented that I ‘describe a lot with very few  words’, or something to that effect. I also heard a definite ‘I like it!‘ from one of the others in the class! 😎

It was great to hear everyone else’s work and how, again, everyone had created and shared something different. I was worried that people  might think of mine as being a bit dark or something but, no other comments were made and it wasn’t as if people began to inch further away from me with their seats! 😉

We’ve got two weeks before (along with the others) I’m expected to share the short story I haven’t even begun to write yet. We also have another homework assignment and I really need to sit down and put myself in a position to write freely and in good time. I have bad habits that lead me towards blogging and e-mailing others that distract me from my work. No disrespect to any of you and please do not feel as though you may have to change anything; I’m the one who needs to stop procrastinating and leaving things until the final evenings when I’m already tired from work.

I manage to pick up on a few points in the story we read through tonight, which is good, considering I have such difficulty concentrating and remembering what I have read, especially when someone else is reading aloud. I feel kind of guilty sometimes as others seem to pick up on some much more. I never grasp it first time. If there’s one disappointment though, it’s that I didn’t seize a potential opportunity to help someone who asked the group for a lift to her car. No-one else was going that way and, although it would’ve meant a minor diversion on my journey home, I would’ve been happy to help. I felt it would’ve been awkward though as we’ve not even said hello and, to be fair, she seemed to direct her question to the other end of the room.

Still, I shouldn’t dwell on things like this. Please continue reading to see the poem that I was going to share:

Continue reading

One Line Each (Writing)

It’s Wednesday night and I return to college tomorrow evening after a prolonged absence preceding half-term. So, that also means it’s homework night, being the defiant procrastinator that I am! 😛

Our initial task was to write a fictional scene of dialogue involving some form of conflict between two characters (much like a scene from Old Country for Old Men). I’ve run a couple of ideas through my head many times but have failed to get anything down on paper or, even, on the other side of the computer screen. I can’t visualise it and, despite all the spare time I’ve had to write something, it’s stressing me out too much (any stress is too much, in my opinion).

Instead, I’ve decided to attempt the ‘optional’ secondary homework and I’ll have this ready to share with the class tomorrow in less than twenty-four hours’ time…

Continue reading

Scene of a Short Story

Today, I’d like to share with you a scene written as part of my short-story homework. It was shared with the rest of my class earlier this evening – I managed to read it all aloud as well! We were asked to write a scene that takes place immediately after the scene created in the following poem. I’ll warn you that precisely five-hundred words follow on from this…

‘This is Just to Say’

by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Continue reading

Staying In

As I sit here typing this now, I should be arriving in Bristol and thinking about parking up for my evening course in the next few minutes. I made it through the day at work okay (it involves more practical work than social interaction) but, with all that’s been in my head this week and, the fact that I’ve failed to find the extra 130 words, I’ve made a decision not to go in this evening.

I’m not close to tears or anything like that. I don’t feel flat but, I don’t feel in despair either. My meditations, I believe, have left me in this emotionless state that I can’t describe… I just can’t face having to sit in a room with others who’ve probably completed the introductions to their stories and having to share my own un-finished effort. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear judgement from my class. I don’t know; it just feels very intense being there in such a small room… Maybe I should’ve chosen to do an art course first?

This does feel similar to the kind of behaviour that I exhibited in the final year of my A-Levels in Year 13, where I began to believe that it was ‘okay’ to start missing the odd lesson, which proceeded in to days and weeks until I was caught out and subsequently dropped out. This course is only one evening a week so, I don’t believe that I will fall in to the same habit. When I do return next week, I’m sure I’ll receive only sympathy, if anything at all. It’s certainly nothing to fear.

Maybe I secretly desire a bit of attention?

I’ve e-mailed my tutor to say that I’ve been struggling with personal issues this week, I’ve struggled with my 360 words and that I just cannot face it tonight. Is this my way of saying ‘I suffer from anxiety and depression‘?

I really can’t describe my mood right now… I’m not happy but I’m not sad. Neither am ‘flat’, as I often do feel. It just feels like there’s a block on my mind and everything. I know that I’m struggling to accept that May is back with her boyfriend and everything that comes with that. I’ve been to the local Tesco already to buy milk and dog food so, I know I’m not totally in fear of all people this evening.

I need to arrange an appointment with my GP soon. There’s one medical issue that I need to follow up on and I’m also going to try and talk openly about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Is it social anxiety or, is it something more? I believe in trying to do what one can to help oneself and now, I’m feeling stronger, in the sense that I may be able to face up to and handle some realities. I’m going to e-mail my counsellor about some things as well to see what they think.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

Writing is Hard

It’s been a long day today. I was up at 6am getting ready for work at 7am. As I awoke, I realised that I still had my earphones plugged in from my night-time meditation session! Did I listen to any of it?! I hoped so! After breaking my routine recently and entering a bad habit of not listening to it every night or day, I really felt as though I was going to need to reassurance this evening.

Only thirty-minutes after arriving home from work, I wanted to be ready and out of the door again for a drive in to the centre of Bristol. Today, was the first in my Short Fiction writing course.

Continue reading