Lonely

I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.

Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?

I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛

Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.

A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.

It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.

But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂

 

Queensryche – ‘Silent Lucidity’

This is a song I love but don’t listen to often enough. Neither can I name another song from this band although, I’m sure they’re created many over the years. I’m not even sure how to pronounce Queensryche but, it doesn’t matter! 🙂

Read on for the lyrics:

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Poem: ‘Four Years’

‘Four Years’

Four years to the day
You came, I went away
But as hard as I tried
You, I could not find

I was caught off guard
Never one to expect
Who could’ve known
I wasn’t ready yet

Through closing my eyes
I began to see
Deep beauty within
I think you liked me

So, you made some mistakes
And withheld in your breath
That nervous feeling we shared
Sparing my thoughts of death

Our appointment was short
It was time to say goodbye
Your enchanting smile
A treasure for each eye

Upon my return
Yes, you were there
But our paths were not destined
Your name, you did not share…

‘As Water Falls’ (Poem)

This is one of several poems I’ve written in the last few days as we were asked to write a poem to share with the writing class this evening. What I’m about to share with you know is the one I had intended to share with the class… But, the greater news is that I didn’t share this one. Instead, I shared the one I posted last night (‘Courage’) and it went down very well.

My tutor commented that I ‘describe a lot with very few  words’, or something to that effect. I also heard a definite ‘I like it!‘ from one of the others in the class! 😎

It was great to hear everyone else’s work and how, again, everyone had created and shared something different. I was worried that people  might think of mine as being a bit dark or something but, no other comments were made and it wasn’t as if people began to inch further away from me with their seats! 😉

We’ve got two weeks before (along with the others) I’m expected to share the short story I haven’t even begun to write yet. We also have another homework assignment and I really need to sit down and put myself in a position to write freely and in good time. I have bad habits that lead me towards blogging and e-mailing others that distract me from my work. No disrespect to any of you and please do not feel as though you may have to change anything; I’m the one who needs to stop procrastinating and leaving things until the final evenings when I’m already tired from work.

I manage to pick up on a few points in the story we read through tonight, which is good, considering I have such difficulty concentrating and remembering what I have read, especially when someone else is reading aloud. I feel kind of guilty sometimes as others seem to pick up on some much more. I never grasp it first time. If there’s one disappointment though, it’s that I didn’t seize a potential opportunity to help someone who asked the group for a lift to her car. No-one else was going that way and, although it would’ve meant a minor diversion on my journey home, I would’ve been happy to help. I felt it would’ve been awkward though as we’ve not even said hello and, to be fair, she seemed to direct her question to the other end of the room.

Still, I shouldn’t dwell on things like this. Please continue reading to see the poem that I was going to share:

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‘Dear Dad’ (A Letter)

This letter begins without a greeting because, let’s be honest here; when have I ever greeted to you as my ‘dad’?

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Talking Away

Earlier this week, I had my first counselling session session for a few weeks. Reflecting now, as I have been ever since, I feel confused about what was discussed in that session. A lot was said and I’ve asked for a list to jog my memory as I feel like I’ve already forgotten some of the important issues that came up.

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Poem: ‘Heartache’

I haven’t written (finished) any poetry for a while so, I literally just typed this up following on from my last post, without even consulting my notebook. Now, I have a bit of a headache, to accompany my fractured heart.

‘Heartache’

Holding on when I should let go

Before I do, I’d like you to know

That if and in a time of need

You need someone, I’ll mount my steed

For I do not believe your love

Is any more than hiding ‘side a glove

You used to talk but now don’t share

There is no reason, I do still care

Friendship’s hard when there is no other

I saw, crying, with your brother

Your life should be full of happiness

Instead, you’re back in that same old mess

I want to move and ease my heartache

Instead, I’m stuck here, about to break.