I return to this space for the second time in less than a week to ask myself the question:
Hello, it’s me again! 🙂
As I find myself frustrated with a person I have come to feel very close to, I also find myself wanting to vent and share directly with them… But at the same time, I’m more fearful of their perception than any potential reaction at this time… So, uncertain of what to do and how to handle this, I find myself reconnecting with my pseudonym to write it all down here.
Tonight, I propose to you a question. It’s one I’ve never been able to answer and I welcome each and every opinion you may have to share. As far as I’m concerned, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I feel like I’m hoping to find my own answer…
What’s the difference between friendship and a relationship with a person?
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote here but I’d like you all to know that I’m doing well and that things are generally good in my life. That’s not to suggest that I’m constantly flying around the world, skydiving from one plane to the next and saving lives – as that would be extremely unrealistic! But I’m continuously moving forwards and trying new things. After 18 months of heartache, I feel like I’m ready to allow my heart to warm to someone else…
Someone I’ve known for less than a year. A woman who began as a friend and, who I feel this year, has begun to emerge as someone much more. Time will have to tell our fate or fortune. I can’t predict and I cannot promise. But I can hope.
It feels very different this time.
Thanks for being there. I would love to hear your own answers to the question.
Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.
Even when I close the door, I never turn the key.
Should I hear a ring or knock, I will always answer. Eventually.
It’s a sound I can’t ignore.
A presence I’m half expecting.
Always waiting for.
Knowing that one day, she will always return.
My mind remains hushed while the body rattles.
I still expect the same end result.
I do this out of kindness.
I do not expect change.
It’s a test of resolve. A chance for redemption.
She has to make an effort. This year will soon draw to a close.
A divide exists. His eyes burn with nicotine in demand.
Those fists, I can’t restrain. But my door is always open.
I won’t lie. I can’t hide. Too many times, I’ve tried.
Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.
So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.
I feel a bit of a rant coming on this afternoon… When something or someone irritates me, this is my way of choosing to deal with that emotion. I stop and assess where some might make a spontaneous decision. I choose to write here instead of biting back at any other person.
No sooner had I written once previously about saying ‘goodbye’ to someone and how I finally felt like I was moving on from that… This same person surprisingly emerged days later and on Facebook of all places!
Referring back to the experience of my first session in learning about Self-Esteem issues; I’m going to go on as I intended by writing about the five qualities I would look for in another person. That’s not to imply that I’m looking to amend or consider my current assessment (although, this may also help me with that). It’s mainly so that I can do as we were told in the class; to consider where I would position myself on each line and also, in relation to that “perfect” person.
As I sit here, preparing to write this post, I look forward with no definite plans for the day. It’s been a great weekend so far though, as I’ve managed to see all three of my close friends within less than twenty-four hours (including meeting one of them for the very first time)!
I’d like to start by talking to you about the band I’m wearing around my wrist in the photo above. I apologise that this photo isn’t perfect and you can see large marking where the lens on my phone’s camera is slightly scratched. This is known as a Thought Stopper; an item designed to help those suffering from the likes of depression and anxiety; a means of preventing the need to self-harm.