No Friend of Mine

I feel a bit of a rant coming on this afternoon… When something or someone irritates me, this is my way of choosing to deal with that emotion. I stop and assess where some might make a spontaneous decision. I choose to write here instead of biting back at any other person.

No sooner had I written once previously about saying ‘goodbye’ to someone and how I finally felt like I was moving on from that… This same person surprisingly emerged days later and on Facebook of all places!

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Happy?

Having just logged in to my account for the first time this week, I’ve received a notification to say that my blog is now officially one-year old! It’s a twelve month period that’s gone by pretty fast, even during the recent times where I haven’t been here regularly enough to write.

My blog is one-year old this month!

It’s true that I haven’t had an awful lot to write about or, where I have wanted to write spontaneously, I haven’t been able to sit down here and do that. Perhaps I should finally invest in a small notebook to at least keep the thoughts on record? We take a week off from the CBT course this week because of the Bank Holiday (I hope you’ve all had a good one) with the final session to come next Monday. In order to put something new on these pages, I am going to write this evening, about a situation that has signified some of the positive change within me.

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‘Starlight’ – Muse

There was a time when the prospect of owning a Muse album excited, back in the early noughties. I’ve seen distanced myself from the band with their more mainstream style. But, there’s one song that seems to play more frequently on Planet Rock than any of their others and it’s certainly one that I’ve grown an attachment to.

Matt Bellamy has a great voice and originally, a style that seemed to surprise a lot of people when the band first ’emerged’. Mostly, it’s for those lines about just wanting to hold someone in my arms.

I was supposed to see my friend again today but, she cancelled it (for personal reasons) only a couple of hours in advance. I won’t bother to try and deny or even question my disappointment. I know our time and that opportunity will come again. In the mean time, I have another friend’s birthday celebration to attend this evening and I must get myself out to do a group walk on Sunday, as there’s one that starts only a few miles from home.

Speaking of which, I’ve been out to view potential place to rent this afternoon! I like it and the meeting with the agent went well. It’s the only available place that I can realistically afford right now (on a monthly basis) but I really need to sit down and look at how feasible that first month would be, with all the relevant fees, a deposit and the advanced payment of rent that would be required… I had a good feeling that it would be a space for me to ‘create’; certainly with my writing and perhaps also with music some day.

Today’s song (its title) also reminds me of internet dating in general, as there was one girl (guess her username!) who I felt was a near-‘perfect’ match for me, based on the shy natured outlined in her profile… She never responded to my message, which I think tells you something about the world of online dating… Perhaps that in spite of appearances and first impressions, it’s no more transparent than finding someone away from the computer screen.

Please read below to find the lyrics for this song.

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Back to Bed

My posting has been infrequent here lately and it’s even more rare to find a second post from me within the same day. Usually, it’s not a great sign. Or, at least, an indication that something is troubling me.

After writing my previous post this morning, I felt as though I was lying to myself. Although I didn’t write it, I wanted to try and portray the message that I was okay with having nothing to do today and no-one to see… I wasn’t. I haven’t been alright. In fact, since I woke up this morning after my most disruptive night’s sleep for several weeks, I’ve felt like bursting in to tears on several occasions. Continue reading

Anxious Thought of the Day

Here’s my anxious thought for the day…

When a very close friend tells you that you’re a ‘wonderful person‘ and also, a ‘great friend‘, why is my next reaction (after feeling positively emotional) to focus and dwell on the ‘friend‘ aspect?

She is the first person I’ve known in the real world to have ever said something so kind and beautiful to me. My counsellor used to try and praise me but then, it’s kind of her job… It actually means something (and a lot more) when it comes from a person you mutually care about.

I am so grateful for her words and I hope she knows that I will always be there to support her.

As much as I’ve begun this year striving to focus on the friends-side of our relationship (as only friends), I guess I’m always going to be secretly hoping for more, with the feelings I do have.

Another friend was talking to me recently about her own situation and I kind of came to a realisation that we cannot ‘control’ our emotions and feelings, just as we cannot dictate those of other people; as much as we may feel as though we want to. Feelings of love and compassion never truly fade away or burn out, in my opinion. So, is then about acceptance and focusing on other areas?

Acceptance

There’s one issue in my life that’s been quite a ‘theme’ for this blog in recent months and it’s not something I’ve openly written much about lately. There are a few individuals who I’ve confided in with this (you each know who you are) and I appreciate every effort you have made to just be there and support me and my own thoughts.

Now, it’s time for me to make my own decision. In fact, it’s one that I’ve already made…

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I DO Have Friends!

Hopefully you read my previous post on being honest… Well, a few days ago, I began writing a poem flooded with thoughts of my own loneliness and the discomfort I often feel within my own skin. I wanted to say how much I wish that you all are ‘real’. Your offers and hugs, thoughts and well wishes are greatly appreciated. I only wish we could share them physically (especially the hugs).

My second Resolution for 2013 is to make a better effort to acknowledge and spend time with friends, because I do have some who mean a lot to me, even if I don’t seen them very often or ever at all. They are mostly female and I think I have a fear of men generally. My intentions of friendship remain genuine with each and all of them. I a still seriously ‘hung up’ on May (in fact, she even mentioned that she noticed and suspected it herself – that’s when it first scared her, apparently).

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