Anxprocrastdelay!

By the time this is posted, I should be about an hour in to a 12-mile walk with the group I joined recently…

Instead, I’ve just arrived home and I’m sat rather comfortably infront of my laptop, typing this!

This walk was due to start at 1oam, with the meeting point being Parkway Station in Bristol. According to Google Maps, it would take me 33 minutes to get there so, I said to myself last night and this morning that I would leave at 9.15, to get there are early and change my footwear, pay for parking and find a place to wait for the others to arrive. Even if I drove or got a bus to a local train station (I’ve never been on a train alone), I believe that the cost of a ticket would outweigh the amount of fuel consumed and the parking charges as well.

At 9.15am, I was just coming out of the bathroom, in spite of the fact that I got myself out of bed this morning at 7.40. Plenty of time for preparation, indeed… However, that’s not the game I tend to play. Procrastination plagues my life and even my daily routine at times.

Eventually, I left home in my van at almost 9.30. There was a slim chance that I would even reach the car park in time. I tried my trick of adding five-miles to every maximum speed that I past but, I think I lost any added time I might have saved by turning right at one roundabout too early, just before the station. All I could hope was that their train from Temple Meads would be delayed, just as it was when I did the other walk in Keynsham recently.

It was bang on 10am as I drove in to the station, looking for a place to park. My late-night research had told me to look for the short term bays, as I would probably only be there for six-hours at most but, they weren’t marked clearly enough for me. Although, sometimes, I do look too hard when it can pay to step back and look at where the sign is actually pointing…

After one trip through the entire car parking site (Do I park under cover? Can I park under cover? Bloody speed bumps!), I did a U-turn to complete my lap and, as I passed a small walkway leading down from the station, I noticed a line of water-proofed back-packers cross my sight. One of them (who I recognised from my first walk) even looked my way.

I was too late.

Naturally, I got quite frustrated with myself on the journey home. I palmed (not punched) the steering wheel as I headed out of the station and off towards the M5 motorway. To be completely honest with you though, there was a part of me that wanted to miss it…

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Job Dissatisfaction

Thinking back through my employment history (stretching back just over ten-years now, including part-time work), I’ve not really had one job that I can say I’ve truly enjoyed. I try not to make a secret of the fact that I dislike the job I’m in at the moment (except for when I’m in work) and, although I like to think that I’d be ‘happier’ doing something else, well, I’ve worked in other places and, even when I have my ‘good’ days, I’ve never truly been able to say that I’ve enjoyed a single job that I’ve had.

In this post, I’m going to try and talk briefly about my work history, in the hope of recognising and understanding any signs and symptoms of anxiety, so that I can aim to improve my current life and my future.

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Poem: ‘Work, Sleep, Repeat!’

Flicking through the pages, there’s another piece of my ‘short-writing’ that I’d like to share with you right now. The afternoon is passing quickly and my thoughts are already turning to waking up at 6am (usually sooner), ready for another depressing day at work, starting at 7am. I hate the day-job I have now, about as much as I’ve hated every other; each one for different reasons.

What I hate most of all though, is that I don’t ever seem to do anything on a weekend. I went out to see family yesterday afternoon but, I’ve spent most of today lying in bed, listening to music. I could blame the rain but, it’s not really the weather’s fault. I’m like this every Sunday; living the same old routine, without actually ‘living’, or so it feels.

Life should be about balance, I believe – and, that is something I do not have right now.

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