Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.
There’s one issue in my life that’s been quite a ‘theme’ for this blog in recent months and it’s not something I’ve openly written much about lately. There are a few individuals who I’ve confided in with this (you each know who you are) and I appreciate every effort you have made to just be there and support me and my own thoughts.
Now, it’s time for me to make my own decision. In fact, it’s one that I’ve already made…
It was taken on top of the Clifton Suspension Bridge, about one-hour before 2013 arrived.
Apparently, it gets very busy up there around midnight each year. I didn’t stay for very long, without gloves and with the rain starting to fall so, there weren’t many other visitors by the time I departed. It nice to ‘escape’ and to see the bridge in all its twilight glory.
It was hard to pick only one, as these photos came out quite well, considering they were taken on my phone! 😉 I wish I’d also taken of the entire bridge from a distance, perhaps from a lower level following one of the roads.
Last night, at 10pm, I found that I was struggling to cope with the severe boredom. Two more hours until the year would finally end and my waiting would be over. I don’t know why I bother trying to stay up for it when I don’t even want to switch the TV on to see the celebrations elsewhere.
So, I made a decision to go out for a drive somewhere. To pass the time and to distract my mind from other things.
I want to try and ‘get away’ from it all, while still hoping that I would be able to see or hear some of the excitement that others were experiencing. I didn’t want to disappear in to the countryside (it was too dark and wet) and settled on an idea to visit the Clifton Suspension Bridge.
I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.
Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?
I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛
Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.
A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.
It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.
But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂
- Fighting loneliness, and the government (rjptalk.wordpress.com)
- Ghosts of Christmas Past (cowboysandcrossbones.wordpress.com)
- Company For Christmas (gonzarro.wordpress.com)
- Lonely (khaledamer3.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Lonely (bellwort.wordpress.com)
- The Interesting Way Being Lonely Could Be Contagious (belmarrahealth.com)
- To A Lonely Dreamer (arcamede.wordpress.com)
As I mentioned in my previous post that included a music (still) video, I’m hurting a bit today. I hold nothing against her for calling off our day out. I’m not upset with her personally; I’m just struggling to accept the emptiness I feel in the rest of my life (I can feel the tears coming as I type that so, it can’t be far off from the truth).
After (discreetly, as my mum was around) letting out a few tears for the first time in a long while (not to forget the many foot-lengths of snot – always, with the snot!!), I turned to my laptop for condolence. I must have cried for a good fifteen minutes and, then again, within that same hour…
Anyway, I felt a compulsive urge to return to the dating sites I’ve been ignoring for the past week or so since my six-month subcription to Match.com expired. I’d received a couple of e-mails offering renewal at a discounted rate and, yep, I decided to take up a three-month offer at 30% less than standard.
Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.
Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.
As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad“] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!
At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.
A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.
Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!
I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?
Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂
I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…