Okay. So I feel an urge to write this evening. This post is lacking the pre-emptive clarity and layout that usually precedes my writing. But, if I don’t do it now, I might not do it tomorrow.
I’d like to start by thanking everyone who has responded to my previous posts and not forgetting those who have merely clicked Like or taken the time to read through my words. Writing has helped. My week is improving as the days go by. Thank you.
So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.
Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.
What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.
I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…
Is this really week FIVE already?! It’s going by so fast that I appear to have lost all creative originality, when it comes to titling these posts! 😉 I’m now beyond the halfway point, despite missing the session last week. All I can say to summarise is that it is help. It is making a difference and that it is giving me lots to think about and consider. After that synopsis, I trust some of you will still continue to read on… 🙂
Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.
I can’t bring myself to say those three words at the moment so, I’m afraid you’ll have accept the acronym that at the head of this post, this evening (or, whatever time it is, where you are). If I say it, I won’t feel as though I mean it. That’s in no way a disrespect to anyone who may or may not be reading this; it’s simply my current state of mind.
All I have to keep me going until midnight.
I was tempted to title this ‘Happy? Not Yet‘ as I find myself ending yet another year on my own.
Those three items in the photo above are all I have to keep me going and I don’t even drink red wine!! If the contents of that bottle disappears tonight, it’ll be for the second time this year. I dislike alcohol but, I don’t know; when I feel this way and there’s an unopened Christmas gift lying around and no-one to share it with (I asked before; no-one likes red wine), I feel an urge to drink it.