Home is Where the Noise Is

Okay. So I feel an urge to write this evening. This post is lacking the pre-emptive clarity and layout that usually precedes my writing. But, if I don’t do it now, I might not do it tomorrow.

I’d like to start by thanking everyone who has responded to my previous posts and not forgetting those who have merely clicked Like or taken the time to read through my words. Writing has helped. My week is improving as the days go by. Thank you.

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Always Waiting

So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.

Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.

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Monday Night Writing

Another night where I feel the urge to write.

What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.

I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…

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Week Five

Is this really week FIVE already?! It’s going by so fast that I appear to have lost all creative originality, when it comes to titling these posts! 😉 I’m now beyond the halfway point, despite missing the session last week. All I can say to summarise is that it is help. It is making a difference and that it is giving me lots to think about and consider. After that synopsis, I trust some of you will still continue to read on… 🙂

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Poem: ‘No U in I’

Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.

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‘House of Dirt and Puddles’

Before you scream ‘WTF?!?‘ out loud, I should direct you to the Daily Prompt for today:

Write down the first words that comes to mind when we say . . .

. . . home.

. . . soil.

. . . rain.

Use those words in the title of your post.

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HNY

I can’t bring myself to say those three words at the moment so, I’m afraid you’ll have accept the acronym that at the head of this post, this evening (or, whatever time it is, where you are). If I say it, I won’t feel as though I mean it. That’s in no way a disrespect to anyone who may or may not be reading this; it’s simply my current state of mind.

All I have to keep me going until midnight.

All I have to keep me going until midnight.

I was tempted to title this ‘Happy? Not Yet‘ as I find myself ending yet another year on my own.

Those three items in the photo above are all I have to keep me going and I don’t even drink red wine!! If the contents of that bottle disappears tonight, it’ll be for the second time this year. I dislike alcohol but, I don’t know; when I feel this way and there’s an unopened Christmas gift lying around and no-one to share it with (I asked before; no-one likes red wine), I feel an urge to drink it.

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Family

I went to bed last night with an idea for a post I was going to write as soon as I got up this morning. That idea has since vanished from my mind so, instead, I’m going to write about something else; on a late Christmas morning where my sister’s still in bed, my mum’s elsewhere and even my dog has decided to return to slumber.

Yesterday afternoon, I paid a brief visit to my granddad‘s house for an hour or two. It was the first time I’d been there since September, I think, and I had to be careful to avoid some of the flood waters. Mum was already there, as it’s on her way back from her half-day at work. So, when I arrived with my sister, it was a surprise to the two of them (he and his wife) and, according to mum, it really seemed to lift them, as they often feel as though we don’t make the effort.

It was sad to see how they have deteriorated since I last saw them. Granddad’s been re-married since before I was born but, I still don’t like to refer to his wife as ‘my nan’, as my real grandmother died six-years ago. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and, after a nasty fall down the stairs two-years ago, she’s not been the same since. Mobility has become very difficult and we’ve all witnessed the gradual change. My granddad is struggling to care for her on his own and his health and happiness appears to be suffering because of this. He’s in his 80s but won’t accept any outside help. Apparently, he is now entitled to a carer’s allowance, which he would be happy to accept, and he also talked about how they’ll be able to receive a walk-in shower. That would definitely help the two of them, even if they still have to face the struggle of climbing the stairs.

Another issue is that the grandson from the other side of the family is living with them. Unemployed and un-motivated to do much around the house to help them; he’s living off the little allowance they need to survive on. Their heating’s always on and I do worry about things like this. They can’t kick him out because he has nowhere else to go, with family issues in his own home.

Seeing people you’re close to deteriorating in such a way, living a near-meaningless existence where they seem to do little else each day besides sitting quietly in the kitchen; it’s saddening and almost heart-breaking at times. I struggled, witnessing my grandma’s decline in her final years. For years, as a kid, I never understood how serious the illness was. Then, suddenly, it hits you.

I said recently that I do take my ever-present family for granted sometimes and, it’s when you witness something like this that you begin to appreciate just what and who you have and how important they are. They won’t be here forever. It is a relief to see that some medications are available to try and treat the effects of Alzheimer’s today. When my grandma was suffering with dementia, there was nothing of it’s sort; they could only prescribe tablets designed to combat headaches.

Suddenly, I remember what I was wanting to post last night – although, I fear it may be a bit late now…

One thing I love about Christmas Day is waking up to the silence of the world around you. It might be different living next to a motorway but, the A-road next to mine remains silent and still, first thing in the morning. Sometimes, the tranquillity is repeated on the morning of Boxing Day as well. I do enjoy waking up and appreciating this irregular calm.

Merry Christmas to one and all! If you’re sat in front of your computer screen on this joyous occasion then, you are certainly not alone! 🙂

Lonely

I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.

Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?

I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛

Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.

A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.

It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.

But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂

 

Poem: ‘All In Vain’

‘All In Vain’

A shining sun
With skies so blue
A winter’s day
To share, with you

Our time apart
So many weeks
To see your smile
And raise your cheeks

We made a plan
It all went so well
Those photos you took
They’d surely sell

Home time arrived
Why always so fast?
That warm, flowing feeling
I want it to last

Again, I feel I’m second best
As if my work is for the the rest
A man you love, he’s in control
An evil bastard with no soul

I am afraid of what I know
For the love I may never show
Tears fall, my head sinks and then
Fears I’ll never see you again

Push too far and
I will break
I’m here to save you
For goodness’ sake!