Family

I went to bed last night with an idea for a post I was going to write as soon as I got up this morning. That idea has since vanished from my mind so, instead, I’m going to write about something else; on a late Christmas morning where my sister’s still in bed, my mum’s elsewhere and even my dog has decided to return to slumber.

Yesterday afternoon, I paid a brief visit to my granddad‘s house for an hour or two. It was the first time I’d been there since September, I think, and I had to be careful to avoid some of the flood waters. Mum was already there, as it’s on her way back from her half-day at work. So, when I arrived with my sister, it was a surprise to the two of them (he and his wife) and, according to mum, it really seemed to lift them, as they often feel as though we don’t make the effort.

It was sad to see how they have deteriorated since I last saw them. Granddad’s been re-married since before I was born but, I still don’t like to refer to his wife as ‘my nan’, as my real grandmother died six-years ago. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and, after a nasty fall down the stairs two-years ago, she’s not been the same since. Mobility has become very difficult and we’ve all witnessed the gradual change. My granddad is struggling to care for her on his own and his health and happiness appears to be suffering because of this. He’s in his 80s but won’t accept any outside help. Apparently, he is now entitled to a carer’s allowance, which he would be happy to accept, and he also talked about how they’ll be able to receive a walk-in shower. That would definitely help the two of them, even if they still have to face the struggle of climbing the stairs.

Another issue is that the grandson from the other side of the family is living with them. Unemployed and un-motivated to do much around the house to help them; he’s living off the little allowance they need to survive on. Their heating’s always on and I do worry about things like this. They can’t kick him out because he has nowhere else to go, with family issues in his own home.

Seeing people you’re close to deteriorating in such a way, living a near-meaningless existence where they seem to do little else each day besides sitting quietly in the kitchen; it’s saddening and almost heart-breaking at times. I struggled, witnessing my grandma’s decline in her final years. For years, as a kid, I never understood how serious the illness was. Then, suddenly, it hits you.

I said recently that I do take my ever-present family for granted sometimes and, it’s when you witness something like this that you begin to appreciate just what and who you have and how important they are. They won’t be here forever. It is a relief to see that some medications are available to try and treat the effects of Alzheimer’s today. When my grandma was suffering with dementia, there was nothing of it’s sort; they could only prescribe tablets designed to combat headaches.

Suddenly, I remember what I was wanting to post last night – although, I fear it may be a bit late now…

One thing I love about Christmas Day is waking up to the silence of the world around you. It might be different living next to a motorway but, the A-road next to mine remains silent and still, first thing in the morning. Sometimes, the tranquillity is repeated on the morning of Boxing Day as well. I do enjoy waking up and appreciating this irregular calm.

Merry Christmas to one and all! If you’re sat in front of your computer screen on this joyous occasion then, you are certainly not alone! 🙂

Advertisements

Lonely

I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.

Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?

I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛

Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.

A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.

It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.

But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂

 

Poem: ‘All In Vain’

‘All In Vain’

A shining sun
With skies so blue
A winter’s day
To share, with you

Our time apart
So many weeks
To see your smile
And raise your cheeks

We made a plan
It all went so well
Those photos you took
They’d surely sell

Home time arrived
Why always so fast?
That warm, flowing feeling
I want it to last

Again, I feel I’m second best
As if my work is for the the rest
A man you love, he’s in control
An evil bastard with no soul

I am afraid of what I know
For the love I may never show
Tears fall, my head sinks and then
Fears I’ll never see you again

Push too far and
I will break
I’m here to save you
For goodness’ sake!

 

Poem: ‘My Yearning’

‘My Yearning’

Your head
Resting against mine
On our shoulders
We hold each other

Four arms
Wrapping us together
You rub my back
As I hold you closer

Concealing the warmth
Shelter from the cold
Sharing the love
As each day grows old

When words do not matter
No sound can disrupt
Time passes by
Just the two of us

Hair, entwined
A rainbow of colour
Our eyes do not meet
Until the moment’s just right

That feeling
I yearn for
Your memory
Cushioned within my heart

 

Poem: ‘Courage’

Here’s something I started last night and have worked on (I wouldn’t like to say finished) a bit more this evening, along with a few others I aim to share in time. It’s a bit ‘sketchy’ in places as I’ve stopped and started in places and have even jumped back in to rearrange and insert before pre-written verses. You could say it’s my most-heavily-edited poem so far! 😀

In a moment of fear
You ran to hide
But the help of a friend
You knew you must find

Clocks ticking
Seconds slowly pass
Red mist ascends
From the crash of shattered glass

Hiding alone
Yet, so far from home
Friends are awaiting
You must pick up the phone

Opportunity arrives
With your chance to depart
No room for hesitation
Your better life must start

BEst-Friend

BEst-Friend (Photo credit: Untitled blue)

 

‘The Power of Love’ – Céline Dion

Deep at heart, I’m a lover of rock music. But, back at a family funeral in July (the first and only one I’ve so far attended), there was another song played during the service that really hit me. Maybe it was the occasion. Maybe it was my own emotions. Each time I hear that song (below), I’m reminded of that day and how I felt.

Continue reading

‘Dear Dad’ (A Letter)

This letter begins without a greeting because, let’s be honest here; when have I ever greeted to you as my ‘dad’?

Continue reading