Poem: ‘Nothing Left’

‘Nothing Left’

I love you so much

It begins to hurt

My heart, restrained

Feelings still inert

I wish you could hear

Words I’m wanting to say

But how do I know

Would they scare you away?

Without you, I’m empty

I wish you were there

You had your own reasons

For which, you won’t share

More than half a year

You’re drifting away

I don’t like to say it

But soon, will come that day

I find my arms weakening

My face is a mess

If you could see my view

You wouldn’t settle for less

I’m back now, with nothing

These days never end

Has fate turned against us?

Does your heart pretend?

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‘Just For’ – Nickelback

Something happened on Friday night that I’m not yet ready to share on this blog. I’m not even sure if I’ll ever share the fully story here as it doesn’t directly concern me, but someone I care so dearly about. My very best friend and so much more.

I recently rediscovered Nickelback‘s Silver Side Up album and there are certain lines in this track that reflect how I felt that night. She’s okay now, as far as I know. Although, I never stop thinking of her. I’ll never walk away and I’ll always be here when she’s ready to come out and talk. It’s likely that this track will sit somewhere near the top of my playlist for the immediate future. It resonated with me over a decade ago, but for no apparent reason back then. I only wish I could’ve found a decent live recording on YouTube.

(Continue reading for lyrics.)

‘Friends and Lovers’ (Incubus)

I’m suffering a bit right now, feeling a lot of emptiness after having shed a few tears nearly two-hours ago. Today, I was supposed to meet up with my best friend for the first time in over three months; five-months to the day since we first met in person. She’s had to call it off as she’s been in some physical pain this week, which I completely respect and understand, having injured my back twice in the last fortnight alone.

I might go in to more detail on this later this evening. For now, I’d like to share this song with you, which came up through my YouTube feed earlier, while waiting to hear from her:

I love this line (or two):

“What’s wrong with you is good
For what’s wrong with me”

That’s always spoken volumes to me for the way I feel about her and my attraction to someone with bipolar disorder. I’ve started reading a book written from the experiences of loving and caring for someone with the condition. I don’t mean to make it sound as though it’s unhealthy in any way; it just summarises how I feel we made one of our first connections.

 

Related articles

• Bipolar Disorder – What to Say, What Not to Say (everydayhealth.com)
• Helping Other Sufferers, Catherine Zeta Jones Opens Up About Bipolar Disorder (contactmusic.com)
• Inpatient Treatment for Bipolar Disorder (everydayhealth.com)

Poem: ‘Heartache’

I haven’t written (finished) any poetry for a while so, I literally just typed this up following on from my last post, without even consulting my notebook. Now, I have a bit of a headache, to accompany my fractured heart.

‘Heartache’

Holding on when I should let go

Before I do, I’d like you to know

That if and in a time of need

You need someone, I’ll mount my steed

For I do not believe your love

Is any more than hiding ‘side a glove

You used to talk but now don’t share

There is no reason, I do still care

Friendship’s hard when there is no other

I saw, crying, with your brother

Your life should be full of happiness

Instead, you’re back in that same old mess

I want to move and ease my heartache

Instead, I’m stuck here, about to break.

Day 10 – Someone You Need to Let Go Or, Wish You Didn’t Know

This one’s actually very tricky and, looking further ahead, I can see a couple of others that I’m also going to struggle with.

People have told me that I should consider ‘letting go‘ of ‘May’. Certainly, I am trying to drop the thought of starting a relationship with her any time soon as she continually strives to fix what’s already there. But, I cannot bear the thought of losing her as a friend. She is special, to me and, like a lot of people reading this; I know how it feels when people ‘don’t bother‘ with you. I genuinely value and desire her friendship. When I try to describe the situation to someone, I feel they’re too quick to make a judgement. Or, perhaps I don’t explain it well enough… Not that I can claim to know exactly what’s going on; there is definitely a chance for friendship between us and I know that she values me, even when she finds it hard to acknowledge it. 🙂

I could easily mention my dad here as well! Yep, I could try to ‘let go’ of some of my anger towards him and, I hope that I can try to forgive him in time (in my own mind).

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know him but, he does have his uses… If I never knew him, I guess I’d only be wondering about who he was and, making efforts to try and find him, with all the ‘surprises’ that could bring…!

Right now, I can’t think of anyone in my life who I feel should not or does not belong here. That’s the truth. 😛

Heartache

After my actions last night, I fear that I may be about to lose the friendship of someone I dearly care about. Once again, I’m referring to ‘May’, who I’ve known for all of three-months (actually, it’s very close to four, now). Because of her deep depression (bipolar disorder), she often goes in to states where she shuts herself off from the world (including most of her friends). This is probably something that many of use can relate to; I’m just not use to seeing it in a person for such a prolonged period. It can be days or even weeks before I hear from her. Usually, I have to almost ‘provoke’ her (in a complementary way) just to get something.

Last night, I told her how much I missed talking to her, how I always accept her for who she is and that I had exciting things happening (writing, blogging and poetry) that I wanted to share with her. I received a response with some expression of interest and, after a few messages, I she accepted my invitation to see one of my poems…

Poem: ‘Trust Yourself’

This one was almost-written three-days ago and I spent a little time about an hour ago finishing it off. I’ll explain it at the end of this post but, for now, I’ll leave you to read and I hope you enjoy. 🙂