I love you so much
It begins to hurt
My heart, restrained
Feelings still inert
I wish you could hear
Words I’m wanting to say
But how do I know
Would they scare you away?
Without you, I’m empty
I wish you were there
You had your own reasons
For which, you won’t share
More than half a year
You’re drifting away
I don’t like to say it
But soon, will come that day
I find my arms weakening
My face is a mess
If you could see my view
You wouldn’t settle for less
I’m back now, with nothing
These days never end
Has fate turned against us?
Does your heart pretend?
Something happened on Friday night that I’m not yet ready to share on this blog. I’m not even sure if I’ll ever share the fully story here as it doesn’t directly concern me, but someone I care so dearly about. My very best friend and so much more.
I recently rediscovered Nickelback‘s Silver Side Up album and there are certain lines in this track that reflect how I felt that night. She’s okay now, as far as I know. Although, I never stop thinking of her. I’ll never walk away and I’ll always be here when she’s ready to come out and talk. It’s likely that this track will sit somewhere near the top of my playlist for the immediate future. It resonated with me over a decade ago, but for no apparent reason back then. I only wish I could’ve found a decent live recording on YouTube.
(Continue reading for lyrics.)
I’m suffering a bit right now, feeling a lot of emptiness after having shed a few tears nearly two-hours ago. Today, I was supposed to meet up with my best friend for the first time in over three months; five-months to the day since we first met in person. She’s had to call it off as she’s been in some physical pain this week, which I completely respect and understand, having injured my back twice in the last fortnight alone.
I might go in to more detail on this later this evening. For now, I’d like to share this song with you, which came up through my YouTube feed earlier, while waiting to hear from her:
I love this line (or two):
“What’s wrong with you is good
For what’s wrong with me”
That’s always spoken volumes to me for the way I feel about her and my attraction to someone with bipolar disorder. I’ve started reading a book written from the experiences of loving and caring for someone with the condition. I don’t mean to make it sound as though it’s unhealthy in any way; it just summarises how I feel we made one of our first connections.
- Bipolar Disorder – What to Say, What Not to Say (everydayhealth.com)
- Helping Other Sufferers, Catherine Zeta Jones Opens Up About Bipolar Disorder (contactmusic.com)
- Inpatient Treatment for Bipolar Disorder (everydayhealth.com)
I haven’t written (finished) any poetry for a while so, I literally just typed this up following on from my last post, without even consulting my notebook. Now, I have a bit of a headache, to accompany my fractured heart.
Holding on when I should let go
Before I do, I’d like you to know
That if and in a time of need
You need someone, I’ll mount my steed
For I do not believe your love
Is any more than hiding ‘side a glove
You used to talk but now don’t share
There is no reason, I do still care
Friendship’s hard when there is no other
I saw, crying, with your brother
Your life should be full of happiness
Instead, you’re back in that same old mess
I want to move and ease my heartache
Instead, I’m stuck here, about to break.
This one’s actually very tricky and, looking further ahead, I can see a couple of others that I’m also going to struggle with.
People have told me that I should consider ‘letting go‘ of ‘May’. Certainly, I am trying to drop the thought of starting a relationship with her any time soon as she continually strives to fix what’s already there. But, I cannot bear the thought of losing her as a friend. She is special, to me and, like a lot of people reading this; I know how it feels when people ‘don’t bother‘ with you. I genuinely value and desire her friendship. When I try to describe the situation to someone, I feel they’re too quick to make a judgement. Or, perhaps I don’t explain it well enough… Not that I can claim to know exactly what’s going on; there is definitely a chance for friendship between us and I know that she values me, even when she finds it hard to acknowledge it. 🙂
I could easily mention my dad here as well! Yep, I could try to ‘let go’ of some of my anger towards him and, I hope that I can try to forgive him in time (in my own mind).
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know him but, he does have his uses… If I never knew him, I guess I’d only be wondering about who he was and, making efforts to try and find him, with all the ‘surprises’ that could bring…!
Right now, I can’t think of anyone in my life who I feel should not or does not belong here. That’s the truth. 😛
This one was almost-written three-days ago and I spent a little time about an hour ago finishing it off. I’ll explain it at the end of this post but, for now, I’ll leave you to read and I hope you enjoy. 🙂