I Blame Myself

I’ve been struggling of late, more than I am somehow prepared to admit. It’s almost as if admitting to it will see me weaken, drop my guard and fall in to some kind of low-level breakdown… I don’t know. I feel like my insomnia has somehow taken over, even though I’ve been earning an extra hour in bed.

Over the last few months, I’ve watched at least a couple of films where the main character suffers some form of insomnia, which then leads to further consequences. In each situation, there is a clear ‘trigger’ for these episodes of lost sleep; some of which, only become apparent (to both the viewer and sufferer) as the film rolls on.

Here, I’m going to write about why I might be suffering with a constant lack of sleep.

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Smells Like Monday

It’s Sunday afternoon. It’ll soon be time to feed the dog and it feels like I’ve already done nothing this weekend. Yesterday, I genuinely felt okay and quite content with things. I had thoughts about going out somewhere today and just sitting in the sun but, I’m still sat here, indoors and unshowered for several days now.

When I finished work on Friday, I’d already decided that I would have a shower before going to bed (two days after my last). By that time, I was ‘too tired’, even though I ended up watching TV until close to midnight. Saturday morning presented the next opportunity and it was a warm awakening as well… I told myself that I wanted to ‘get on with things’, before sitting at my laptop until an early lunch around noon. I didn’t seem to give myself the time to shower last night, even though I was online until beyond midnight. I could’ve had one this morning, but for the fact that I again struggled to get out of bed and had thoughts about going out somewhere alone… (The wind plays havoc with my hair soon after it’s been washed – I’m glad my friend hasn’t yet uploaded those photos from an windswept afternoon in Bristol a few weeks ago!!).

There was a walk on with the group but it seemed a little short and a little pointless for my current thinking. It was set for a late start (midday) and I could only think of how busy that particular area (near the meeting point) would be (given the sunshine) and how much I would struggle to park in an area I don’t know particularly well. Other than that, my head’s been spinning with thoughts for the last two days… Every place I can think of is somewhere I’ve already seen. A long drive to a destination that’ll most likely be littered with lots of people seems like too much effort for my current state. Plus, I hate doing anything when I smell and feel greasy.

I wish I could remember what a good night’s sleep was like… I wake up at 5am every day now. I should probably go and see my doctor but my excuse is that I need to start work at 7am for five-days each week. I don’t like alarm clocks. They don’t always wake me up (when one of my ears blocks) but they never fail to piss me off. I don’t understand how going to bed so late means that I still wake up stupidly early? No matter how tired I am, once the sun’s out, I can never get back to sleep. I don’t often struggle to get to sleep but my situation rarely improves when I shut my eyes a bit earlier.

At least I’ve decided on one thing for the coming week… I’m going to “isolate” myself from the canteen at work, after two-years of putting myself through that for no real reason and certainly, no personal benefit. I’ll probably sit in my van, at least until winter returns. I can’t stand the single-minded views and catastrophic opinions that some people in their 50s have… It doesn’t do me any good to sit there and listen to it. I don’t really have any connection with any individual who does sit there (several others sit in their cars). Bar one other person, I’m the youngest in that room by a quarter of a century! My excuse has always been that it’s ‘too far to walk’ with my cup of tea back to the car park… It’s time to stop worrying about what they might say or think. Of course they’ll notice but I need to do this for myself. I need to try and find some solitude at this company, as I often have done elsewhere.

With this post, I feel like I’ve succeeded in making myself feel worse come the end of it than how I felt when I logged in. :-/

Disbanded

I was doing okay when I wrote that last post but, at the same time, something dark was creeping over my mind. I’d had a great weekend; leaving me with little to look forward to in the now-passing week, besides work in a job that makes me feel all kinds of negative things. I realised through CBT (another good week) that I am generally very critical of myself in anxious situation (self-esteem issues?).

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My list of questions for whichever helpline is able to answer their phone first.

All week, I’ve been irritable. Starting each work day with fire in my arms; coming home to a state of anything but calmness. People constantly irritate me. I cannot tolerate the monotony of the radio or this job any longer. My pace slows to a crawl as the Eart begins to rotate at half-speed. Throughout all of this, there’s one constant thought or situation that is always at the head of the queue…

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On Honesty

Tonight, I’m going to sit here and write two posts concerning my New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last few days as I’ve struggled with my own emotions a bit and my feelings for someone else.

This first post concerns the importance of being honest (not Ernest). Too many times in my life, I find it easier to duck my head beneath my shoulders and to accept the view or direction of another person, particularly if they’re male. I hide thoughts and feelings from the people (or person) I care about most for fear of scaring them away.

For 2013, I’m looking to be more assertive in being upfront and honest, as each situation comes with each new day. By speaking the truth, we will always get an answer. It may not always be the one we had hoped for but, I’d assume then that you’ll only have saved yourself from sorrow and upset later on.

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