The Big ‘W’

It’s late. I should’ve gone to be a while ago. I should be in bed now, knowing that I have to go ‘there’ and continue this furious routine for another day.

But, I want to sit here and write. I’ve been bothered with ‘W’ for a while and had intended to sit down and write about this sometime last week… It hasn’t happened because I’ve been too busy. Too tired. Too anxious. Too many excuses.

Let’s write about work, when I should be resting in preparation for the next day, I say.

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‘I Should Be Happy’

As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.

When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.

This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.

I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.

Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.

Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛

Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.

 

Work

It’s the weekend but, this morning I’m thinking about work. It’s a place I’ve never truly enjoyed being, for five-days a week or even for less but, it’s a necessity of life. Through counselling, I’ve come to understand that my current job does affect my self-esteem. I’ve never been ‘happy’ or perfectly content in any job but, I feel that I have been in situations where I’ve felt better about myself and the people I work for.

Today’s post (my first of the day) is going to focus on each of the positives in my current role, without telling you exactly what I do! 🙂

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Day 11 – Something People Seem to Compliment You the Most On

Some-thing‘ only has to be ‘one thing‘ and that doesn’t have to be ‘the number one‘ item on my list either because, I’m not quite sure of what that is!

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Day 8 – Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, Or Treated You Like S**t

Another day, another subject to consider and, I could easily relate this one to an immediate member of my family, in my father. Although I didn’t enjoy all parts of my childhood, there have been other occasions where he’s been good to me. He’s not the perfect dad but, he does try (certainly, a lot more now than what he used to). Also, I’d like to try and make some of these less-family-oriented in the hope of learning more about my interactions with others.

Today, I’m going to talk about one person that I used to work with and, perhaps also another…

Day 8 – Someone Who Has Treated Me Like S**t

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A Regular Dream

I was drying my hair a little while ago after taking a shower, when the thought came back to me about a recurring dream I often have. It’s not something I often remember as soon as I wake up but, the memory comes to me some time after.

In these dreams, I find myself in a situation (usually at work, as I remember) where I’m still dressed in my dressing gown and slippers (I have some clothes on underneath, don’t worry!). At some point during the dream (they don’t seem to be very long), I come to the embarrassing realisation that everyone around me has already gotten themselves dressed. Where as, I’m still in my ‘morning’ look, struggling with the physical nature of the job because of what I’m wearing.

What on Earth could it mean?

When I was at school (which I didn’t always enjoy), I used to experience similar dreams quite frequently. On other days, I might have forgotten my shoes. Worst of all is when I have nothing below the waist and I’m constantly trying and struggling to stretch my shirt.

But, there isn’t a situation in any of these dreams where someone points and laughs. Nobody seems to notice.

Maybe I should bring this up in counselling as well? It could be part of the social anxiety deep within my subconscious, I guess.

Does anyone know much about dream interpretation?

Thank you. 🙂