The Big ‘W’

It’s late. I should’ve gone to be a while ago. I should be in bed now, knowing that I have to go ‘there’ and continue this furious routine for another day.

But, I want to sit here and write. I’ve been bothered with ‘W’ for a while and had intended to sit down and write about this sometime last week… It hasn’t happened because I’ve been too busy. Too tired. Too anxious. Too many excuses.

Let’s write about work, when I should be resting in preparation for the next day, I say.

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Suicide: It’s an Option

Today I’d like to write about a subject that may be viewed as highly controversial. Maybe I’ve covered it on this blog before – I know I’ve certainly touched on my own opinions in distant posts that have receded far in to the past. This is a ‘topic’ that isn’t to be taken lightly and yet, it’s something I’ve never felt comfortable talking about with counsellors or even a close friend, for fear of judgement, a lack of understanding and, well, there’s always the fear that I would ‘convince’ someone it’s the right thing to do…

Let’s talk about SUICIDE.

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What is Right?

I sit here, beginning to write, at a time when I should already be tucked up in bed. I’ve been wanting to share this. I’ve felt a need to take these invisible words, to set them out on a blank screen and to try and make some sense of it all. But for other commitments, I would’ve completed this a couple of hours earlier. I’m not low but I may be on the verge of falling in love.

Over the past weekend, I met someone. Our rendezvous was planned in advance; an encounter we’d been thinking of for several weeks prior. This was not borne of a dating website, although social media was involved.

I had my expectations and, to put it simply, I saw this woman as stunning in the physical form, even before we met. I assumed she’d be intelligent and, based on the manner in which we agreed to meet, it was clear that we shared at least one common love.

Over the last 2 years, I’ve been fortunate to have met several women. Some who I now consider friends; others who I’ve attained to be more. I’ve met with the social awkwardness and the comfort to be found in good company. I must admit, I had some hope for this latest greeting. Yet, in spite of all I could imagine leading up to the event; I hadn’t envisaged meeting with someone where it just felt right.

I can’t really explain it any better than that. In the past, I’ve had good feelings but I couldn’t honestly say they were mutual. I could be wrong again here. I’m not trying to say as though I’m in love with this girl. Yet, I feel as though I could so easily fall over that edge. Because I want to. I want this like I’ve never wanted anything else before.

She’s got the kind of intelligence I really value; an attribute sadly lacking from someone of whom I’ve allowed (previously) to do little more than deplete me. I’m gradually letting one kite sail away as I move on to set sail beneath skies bearing less of a storm.

At the end of it all, all she really wants is to be able to return home to a quiet life. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. An open space with room and time to unwind. Too often, I might people who can’t live without the bright lights and ever-present noise. I feel almost as if the wind direction is changing and as though things might be about to turn in my favour… We’ve only met once but we seemed to complement each other rather well. One thing I am certain of is that we’re both keen to meet again, when it’s mutually convenient.

For the rest of the day, I carried a smile that provided previously unbeknown motivation. After arriving home, I marched soon in to a social interaction with confidence like I’d never known before… It was if a rocket was trailing from behind me! One day passes and I still hold on; I question whether my feelings are beginning to grow. By the second day and a return to my weekday ‘routine’, I’m feeling lost and very distant from the memory; my smile is now a secret. Come the next day, I just want to run in the opposite direction, in a desperate attempt to relive a moment that’s already passed.

I’m not currently in love with her and I’m filling my head with all kinds of questions and uncertainty… But I still maintain that it felt right. There’s a chance romance could one day develop. A high probability exists that we shall meet again. But I fear what will happen if I’m found out and unprepared. What if I’m wrong again?

You are the third person I’ve told; the second for whom I have shared a little more than the absolute basic details. I’d like to apologise to a friend of mine who may be reading this, as I haven’t yet told her about this… You might have an e-mail coming your way!

I’d like to end this post by sharing another Pearl Jam song. This one is by no means indicative of my mood. It’s how the music, the melody and all the chords (with a vague recollection of the lyrics) are a background tune to my regular thoughts. I admire this song, just as I can admire one woman beyond another.

Thanks and good night!

Without

Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.

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Monday Night Writing

Another night where I feel the urge to write.

What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.

I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…

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Bruce Springsteen – ‘Tunnel of Love’

As I haven’t written anything on these blog for a few days and I’m feeling better than I was for the initial days, I thought I’d share one of my favourite Bruce Springsteen song with you:

Whatever some people may think of ‘The Boss’, this one is much better than the Christmas song they keep playing on Radio 2!

I don’t think I really need to say why I like this one in particular. 🙂

For the lyrics, you’ll have to read on, below.

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Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?