He’s back again! I don’t know how long it’s been but he seemed to arrive suddenly yesterday, during the late-afternoon/evening. Anxiety. Fear. Hopelessness. However I like to label it, he’s here with me again right now.
Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.
I’d like to start by thanking ever one who ‘connected’ with my post on Monday (…I think it was Monday evening, anyway… I remember driving to work and wanting to stop and write it right then). To those of you who commented, liked, read and even if you just glanced over a few words… Thank you. I don’t really feel able to respond to anything (including my own words) but I have been doing better and I guess it might have helped. I’ve realised a need to be strong in the last couple of days.
Today (not long before Sunday arrives), I want to share a song with you, because I haven’t done this for a few weeks and I’m still lacking in inspiration to write. Last night, I was watching the last ever episode of Extras with my sister and this song played at least twice:
You’ve all heard it before, I’m sure. It’s a real tear-jerker for me. I didn’t know the title (which is why I’ve ‘incorrectly’ titled this post) or even that it was written and performed by Kate Bush (that seems like the kind of thing that ‘everyone’ should know…). Just the sound of her voice with those harmonies; it’s enough to wrench a few drops from my heart. Also, during the programme, there’s a moment where Ricky Gervais’ character Andy bleeds his own apologies to his friend Maggie (played by Ashley Jensen). That’s the kind of moment that sets a lump in my throat. I’m unable to take a breath as my eyes begin to swell. I don’t think I need to say any more.
I chose a version of the above song with the lyrics included in the video, just so that you could all have a read for yourselves (perhaps for the first time, like me). Whenever that song’s appeared on TV or as part of an advertisement, we only ever get a glimpse of it and a few fingers’ worth of the lyrics.
We all have moments where we just want someone to make it go away when, what really want is for someone to make it go away now… Because everything passes throughout the course of time. What goes up must come down and when you are at your lowest, there is only one other direction you can head towards from there. It’s never in doubt. It’s just a question of ‘when’.
I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).
I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).
We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…
All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…
There’s a song that came to my mind about a week ago and I’ve been eager to share it with you ever since. Actually, this one creeps back in to my mind on a frequent basis. I’d be surprised if it hasn’t grazed my conscious mind at least once each week for the past eleven years!
It’s one that I’m almost ‘afraid’ to share. I first heard this song when I bought the band’s album, at the age of 17. I was heading towards a low patch of my own during my A-Levels and I used to worry that this song would make me feel worse; as if I shouldn’t ever allow myself to listen to it. In fact, there’s a song on Staind‘s ‘Break the Cycle‘ album that I would always skip… I’ll share that one on another day.
But, ‘Darkness’ was soothing. I found comfort in David voice, the piano keys that didn’t belong on this album and ‘those three words‘ that I could relate to; over and over again.
I’ve grown away from this band (and a lot of metal, in general) in the years since but, if I was to choose just one track of theirs from the two albums I own, to sit inside a playlist on my iPod… There is no question.
I don’t wish for people to read anything in to the timing of this as I am okay. In fact, I’m planning to write a positive post of gratitude tomorrow evening, in preparation for my CBT assessment on Thursday. 😉 If anything is wrong at this moment, it’s that I can’t seem to stop listening to Lana Del Ray’s album at the minute! I’m also in a bit of a Chili Peppers phase at the minute too (everything pre-2006). 😎
Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.