Poem: ‘No U in I’

Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.

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Lonely

I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.

Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?

I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛

Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.

A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.

It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.

But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂

 

‘The Warmth’ – Incubus

I’ve just been catching up with my personal subscription feed on YouTube when this video popped up today. It’s always been one of my favourite Incubus songs among many others. I first saw this particular recording as part of the band’s Morning View Sessions DVD. It was the first time the song really spoke to me; the way Brandon omits some of the lyrics towards the end – you don’t get that on the studio recording and they’ve since done even better (Alive at Red Rocks, 2004, with bass-player Ben Kenney providing the vocals at the same point).

I experienced a sensation of warmth the day I met ‘May‘. Since then, I’ve found myself feeling cold, far too often.

Please read on to see the lyrics.

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Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?

Day 25 – The Reason You Believe You’re Still Alive Today

Things haven’t been easy for the last twenty-four hours but, I’m still here and, don’t worry; I have no intention of going anywhere other than out for another outdoor adventure tomorrow. I will be back! 🙂 But I’ve skipped Day 24 because, although I could pick some songs, I really don’t know who I’d write or send them to at this time, which could consequently affect my selections. So, on we go to the next.

Day 25 – The Reason I Believe I’m Still Alive Today

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Morning

Well, I’m up, out of bed and completing Day 15 of the thirty-day challenge has helped to awaken my mind. Not that I have anything in particular planned today… I was fortunate to escape the rain during yesterday’s outing and I’m sure that more is forecast for today (tomorrow looks even worse, before I head back to work). My legs are knackered any way – that’s three-days worth of walking; a good nine or ten hours of physical activity, by my estimate. Phew! Sounds tiring just thinking about it! 🙂

In a while, I’ll try to take the dog for a walk as I haven’t personally done this for a few weeks. Usually, it’s my sister’s responsibility as she’s currently out of work and has the time during the day. In fairness, I take her for longer walks but, I’m grateful that my sister can be here to ensure she gets some exercise. It wasn’t this convenient when I was living alone with Katie… Working from 7am until 17.00 most days, I was either too tired in the summer or it was too dark in the winter. Plus, my landlord had his own dogs, which complicated matters and often meant that I had to sneak her in the van and drive down the road to the park, which completely defeats the object of going for a walk!

I still need to change my bed sheets, having slept in this dirtiness (alone) for about two-months now. If I had someone to share it with, I would make a greater effort. I’m also thinking about going around the house with a vacuum. I can’t tell when my mum last did this but I know she’ll appreciate this when she’s back at the weekend. My room hasn’t been done since the day I moved in. As I eat most of my meals in here, there are bound to be crumbs and all sorts hidden within the carpet (I don’t let the dog in here as it irritates me when she goes around sniffing the floor).

I look at the state of our garden and I despair at how bad I’ve let it become. Weeds everywhere; I haven’t pulled them for months. If I can find the strength and provided the weather holds up, I’ll try to tackle it later. I never liked the fact how this was always viewed as ‘my responsibility‘. Even when I lived a couple of miles away, my mum made no attempt to find someone else to do anything more than cut the grass. It’s not difficult at all and I wish she’d encourage my sister to do something more than staying online to 6am and then sleeping through until 15.00 each day… There’s loads of painting and DIY to do outside but, none of us really has the spare cash at the moment and I wasn’t able to keep on top of it during the wet summer we’ve had.

I’ve got until tomorrow night to basically write an introduction to a short story, from the first-person perspective of a character I’ve chosen to work with in class. The pressure’s already mounting, even though I feel slightly more comfortable writing at home than I do when I’m in a class surrounded by others. I’ll try to do that later – hopefully, the other practical activities will help to get me in the right frame of mind…

I’ve only been back at my mum’s for two months and already I’m looking around to see what other options may be available locally. I can’t handle living here under someone else’s watch. She said I would be treated like a lodger but, it doesn’t feel that way at all. I need my own space to create my own sound and voice. I cannot focus when I want to write; I’ve mentioned before about the footsteps and general sounds that come from upstairs and the semi-detached home the other side of my bedroom wall. I would like to pick up my guitars at some point and try to play but, I fear being heard by others; disturbing others. Most of the poetry I’ve shared with you came from when I was living alone. I can’t do that here. I need to get out!

Being Friends

This follows on from my First Date post.

I awoke the next morning to find a text message from Jan, simply asking whether I’d made it home safely. I guess she was waiting and hoping to hear from me first and, I would’ve texted her sooner, if only I hadn’t felt so flat that morning. From the minute I walked in the door late on Saturday night, I knew I was missing her company. I was all alone again. Anyway, I told her how nice it was to meet her, how I’d look forward to seeing her again and she replied to say that I should’ve just said “I think you’re fat and ugly“, exclaiming that she wanted her books back! She wasn’t the only feeling low and, later that day, at my mum’s house, I burst in to tears when she asked me about how the day had gone.

After a few days, I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed to have calmed down considerably. She was deeply apologetic; stating that she gets like that sometimes because of her condition and that she never meant to react in such a way. We agreed that I would see her again in two-weeks’ time, while we both kept looking for other matches on the dating website. I would’ve gone up to see her sooner but, she has her daughter with her every other weekend.

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