I Blame Myself

I’ve been struggling of late, more than I am somehow prepared to admit. It’s almost as if admitting to it will see me weaken, drop my guard and fall in to some kind of low-level breakdown… I don’t know. I feel like my insomnia has somehow taken over, even though I’ve been earning an extra hour in bed.

Over the last few months, I’ve watched at least a couple of films where the main character suffers some form of insomnia, which then leads to further consequences. In each situation, there is a clear ‘trigger’ for these episodes of lost sleep; some of which, only become apparent (to both the viewer and sufferer) as the film rolls on.

Here, I’m going to write about why I might be suffering with a constant lack of sleep.

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November Update

Hello, it’s me again! 🙂

As I find myself frustrated with a person I have come to feel very close to, I also find myself wanting to vent and share directly with them… But at the same time, I’m more fearful of their perception than any potential reaction at this time… So, uncertain of what to do and how to handle this, I find myself reconnecting with my pseudonym to write it all down here.

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What is Right?

I sit here, beginning to write, at a time when I should already be tucked up in bed. I’ve been wanting to share this. I’ve felt a need to take these invisible words, to set them out on a blank screen and to try and make some sense of it all. But for other commitments, I would’ve completed this a couple of hours earlier. I’m not low but I may be on the verge of falling in love.

Over the past weekend, I met someone. Our rendezvous was planned in advance; an encounter we’d been thinking of for several weeks prior. This was not borne of a dating website, although social media was involved.

I had my expectations and, to put it simply, I saw this woman as stunning in the physical form, even before we met. I assumed she’d be intelligent and, based on the manner in which we agreed to meet, it was clear that we shared at least one common love.

Over the last 2 years, I’ve been fortunate to have met several women. Some who I now consider friends; others who I’ve attained to be more. I’ve met with the social awkwardness and the comfort to be found in good company. I must admit, I had some hope for this latest greeting. Yet, in spite of all I could imagine leading up to the event; I hadn’t envisaged meeting with someone where it just felt right.

I can’t really explain it any better than that. In the past, I’ve had good feelings but I couldn’t honestly say they were mutual. I could be wrong again here. I’m not trying to say as though I’m in love with this girl. Yet, I feel as though I could so easily fall over that edge. Because I want to. I want this like I’ve never wanted anything else before.

She’s got the kind of intelligence I really value; an attribute sadly lacking from someone of whom I’ve allowed (previously) to do little more than deplete me. I’m gradually letting one kite sail away as I move on to set sail beneath skies bearing less of a storm.

At the end of it all, all she really wants is to be able to return home to a quiet life. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. An open space with room and time to unwind. Too often, I might people who can’t live without the bright lights and ever-present noise. I feel almost as if the wind direction is changing and as though things might be about to turn in my favour… We’ve only met once but we seemed to complement each other rather well. One thing I am certain of is that we’re both keen to meet again, when it’s mutually convenient.

For the rest of the day, I carried a smile that provided previously unbeknown motivation. After arriving home, I marched soon in to a social interaction with confidence like I’d never known before… It was if a rocket was trailing from behind me! One day passes and I still hold on; I question whether my feelings are beginning to grow. By the second day and a return to my weekday ‘routine’, I’m feeling lost and very distant from the memory; my smile is now a secret. Come the next day, I just want to run in the opposite direction, in a desperate attempt to relive a moment that’s already passed.

I’m not currently in love with her and I’m filling my head with all kinds of questions and uncertainty… But I still maintain that it felt right. There’s a chance romance could one day develop. A high probability exists that we shall meet again. But I fear what will happen if I’m found out and unprepared. What if I’m wrong again?

You are the third person I’ve told; the second for whom I have shared a little more than the absolute basic details. I’d like to apologise to a friend of mine who may be reading this, as I haven’t yet told her about this… You might have an e-mail coming your way!

I’d like to end this post by sharing another Pearl Jam song. This one is by no means indicative of my mood. It’s how the music, the melody and all the chords (with a vague recollection of the lyrics) are a background tune to my regular thoughts. I admire this song, just as I can admire one woman beyond another.

Thanks and good night!

As the Mirror Reflects

First day of the week; second day in a brand-new month and it’s time for me to share the latest reflections of my mind that have come about within the last 24 hours.

 

Friendship

Friendship (Photo credit: fabbriciuse)

Sunday was EPIC, as far as achievements go. I completed an incredible challenge and left the event feeling great for that. Except, along with those feelings of elation, there existed a cloud of sorrow, sadness and missing out. A formation comparatively minute in size, yet impossible to ignore; the evident dark splodge in an otherwise celestial clear blue sky.

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Friends or Lovers?

Tonight, I propose to you a question. It’s one I’ve never been able to answer and I welcome each and every opinion you may have to share. As far as I’m concerned, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I feel like I’m hoping to find my own answer…

What’s the difference between friendship and a relationship with a person?

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote here but I’d like you all to know that I’m doing well and that things are generally good in my life. That’s not to suggest that I’m constantly flying around the world, skydiving from one plane to the next and saving lives – as that would be extremely unrealistic! But I’m continuously moving forwards and trying new things. After 18 months of heartache, I feel like I’m ready to allow my heart to warm to someone else…

Someone I’ve known for less than a year. A woman who began as a friend and, who I feel this year, has begun to emerge as someone much more. Time will have to tell our fate or fortune. I can’t predict and I cannot promise. But I can hope.

It feels very different this time.

Thanks for being there. I would love to hear your own answers to the question.

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Into the Avalanche…?!

This morning, I was slowly getting ready to go out on a solo walk, which I hadn’t done for two weekends. When I say ‘slowly’, I mean that I didn’t end up leaving the house until close to midday (procrastination, etc.). Ten minutes in to the thirty-minute drive and a text comes through on my phone. Out of curiosity, I have to take a look and I see it’s from one of my good friends, asking simply whether I was busy today. So, I safely pulled over and responded. Now, I wouldn’t ordinarily do this in many situations and drastically change my day but for a friend like that, I’ll gladly make an effort.

We ended up sitting and talking in the city before heading off to watch a film – something we’d already done twice within the past four weeks! It’s not long since I arrived home from the day, which I did enjoy. But during the drive back, all I could think about was how much I just wanted to be sat write here, writing this…

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