Today I’d like to write about a subject that may be viewed as highly controversial. Maybe I’ve covered it on this blog before – I know I’ve certainly touched on my own opinions in distant posts that have receded far in to the past. This is a ‘topic’ that isn’t to be taken lightly and yet, it’s something I’ve never felt comfortable talking about with counsellors or even a close friend, for fear of judgement, a lack of understanding and, well, there’s always the fear that I would ‘convince’ someone it’s the right thing to do…
It’s been another long time since my previous post and I’d like to begin by wishing a warm and Merry Christmas to everyone who happens upon this post! 🙂 Oh, and I also wish you the very best of success for 2015!
A friend of mine often writes about inner critics (of course, she’s not the only one) and I’m no stranger to effects of self-destruction and low-lying self-esteem.
For while now [to put that in to perspective – I think I first entertained this thought sometime before my last post!], I’ve had it in mind to re-assume writing down my thoughts and until very recently, I’ve been brilliant at creating every excuse not to do this… Then, last week, I finally bought myself a notebook and over the weekend, I grabbed a spare pen to place ink on the first page!
Another night where I feel the urge to write.
What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.
I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…
It’s Sunday afternoon. It’ll soon be time to feed the dog and it feels like I’ve already done nothing this weekend. Yesterday, I genuinely felt okay and quite content with things. I had thoughts about going out somewhere today and just sitting in the sun but, I’m still sat here, indoors and unshowered for several days now.
When I finished work on Friday, I’d already decided that I would have a shower before going to bed (two days after my last). By that time, I was ‘too tired’, even though I ended up watching TV until close to midnight. Saturday morning presented the next opportunity and it was a warm awakening as well… I told myself that I wanted to ‘get on with things’, before sitting at my laptop until an early lunch around noon. I didn’t seem to give myself the time to shower last night, even though I was online until beyond midnight. I could’ve had one this morning, but for the fact that I again struggled to get out of bed and had thoughts about going out somewhere alone… (The wind plays havoc with my hair soon after it’s been washed – I’m glad my friend hasn’t yet uploaded those photos from an windswept afternoon in Bristol a few weeks ago!!).
There was a walk on with the group but it seemed a little short and a little pointless for my current thinking. It was set for a late start (midday) and I could only think of how busy that particular area (near the meeting point) would be (given the sunshine) and how much I would struggle to park in an area I don’t know particularly well. Other than that, my head’s been spinning with thoughts for the last two days… Every place I can think of is somewhere I’ve already seen. A long drive to a destination that’ll most likely be littered with lots of people seems like too much effort for my current state. Plus, I hate doing anything when I smell and feel greasy.
I wish I could remember what a good night’s sleep was like… I wake up at 5am every day now. I should probably go and see my doctor but my excuse is that I need to start work at 7am for five-days each week. I don’t like alarm clocks. They don’t always wake me up (when one of my ears blocks) but they never fail to piss me off. I don’t understand how going to bed so late means that I still wake up stupidly early? No matter how tired I am, once the sun’s out, I can never get back to sleep. I don’t often struggle to get to sleep but my situation rarely improves when I shut my eyes a bit earlier.
At least I’ve decided on one thing for the coming week… I’m going to “isolate” myself from the canteen at work, after two-years of putting myself through that for no real reason and certainly, no personal benefit. I’ll probably sit in my van, at least until winter returns. I can’t stand the single-minded views and catastrophic opinions that some people in their 50s have… It doesn’t do me any good to sit there and listen to it. I don’t really have any connection with any individual who does sit there (several others sit in their cars). Bar one other person, I’m the youngest in that room by a quarter of a century! My excuse has always been that it’s ‘too far to walk’ with my cup of tea back to the car park… It’s time to stop worrying about what they might say or think. Of course they’ll notice but I need to do this for myself. I need to try and find some solitude at this company, as I often have done elsewhere.
With this post, I feel like I’ve succeeded in making myself feel worse come the end of it than how I felt when I logged in.
As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.
When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.
This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.
I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.
Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.
Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛
Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.
- Are you Happy? (kopasite.wordpress.com)
- Happiness, the ultimate human goal (sciencelens.wordpress.com)
- Adolescence and Self-Dissatisfaction (psychologytoday.com)
- I’m scared of Me. (amorphousinklings.wordpress.com)
- Are you satisfied? (patrickrhone.com)
- 5 Ways to Stop Being Afraid of Happiness. (elephantjournal.com)
- What Can I Do To Make Things Better? (initfortheparking.com)
- Full of Fear (flightoftheflightless.com)
- Am I Doing what I Really, Really, Want to Do? (psychologymatters.asia)
- What We Deserve (lifeattwentysomething.com)
Although I still have a level of admiration towards this band, each time I see the name ‘Staind‘, my head begins to drop even before I’ve heard that first chord of any of their songs. They’re a band almost synonymous with depression at times. That’s how I’ve always remembered them.
I mentioned last time, with my previous video share, that there was one Staind song on the Break the Cycle album that I was afraid to listen to 12 years ago… Well, this is it!
To fully appreciate the contrast of this song against the rest of their CD, I think you’d have to listen to the studio recordings, where I’ve chosen to share a live acoustic set version with you today (as I also did with It’s Been Awhile). It’s not as ‘hard’ as many of the others.
Listening to this song again didn’t feel painful at all. In my teens, I would instantly draw up an image of a barren landscape beneath grey clouds and filled with mist. Quite like I imagine the lower points of the Grand Canyon to be, but with green rocks. It was lonely and I can still see that image in my mind today.
If you’d like to read through the lyrics for yourself, please find them below. Just so you know though; neither this song or any lyrics bear any relevance to my current state of mind. I appreciate that I’m being very quiet at the moment but I ask you to trust that I’m okay. 🙂
Tonight, I’m going to sit here and write two posts concerning my New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last few days as I’ve struggled with my own emotions a bit and my feelings for someone else.
This first post concerns the importance of being honest (not Ernest). Too many times in my life, I find it easier to duck my head beneath my shoulders and to accept the view or direction of another person, particularly if they’re male. I hide thoughts and feelings from the people (or person) I care about most for fear of scaring them away.
For 2013, I’m looking to be more assertive in being upfront and honest, as each situation comes with each new day. By speaking the truth, we will always get an answer. It may not always be the one we had hoped for but, I’d assume then that you’ll only have saved yourself from sorrow and upset later on.