It’s been another long time since my previous post and I’d like to begin by wishing a warm and Merry Christmas to everyone who happens upon this post! 🙂 Oh, and I also wish you the very best of success for 2015!
A friend of mine often writes about inner critics (of course, she’s not the only one) and I’m no stranger to effects of self-destruction and low-lying self-esteem.
For while now [to put that in to perspective – I think I first entertained this thought sometime before my last post!], I’ve had it in mind to re-assume writing down my thoughts and until very recently, I’ve been brilliant at creating every excuse not to do this… Then, last week, I finally bought myself a notebook and over the weekend, I grabbed a spare pen to place ink on the first page!
Last week, I decided to skip on an update with my CBT course. There’s no great reason for that; I simply felt as though that session was a bit ‘meh’, in the sense that I didn’t feel like I’d learned or come away with much at the end of it. That remains the only time on this course but I’m not trying to knock it because I’m sure some others would’ve benefited.
In short, I didn’t feel as though I had anything within me to report! 🙂
Now, having just completed week seven… There’s only one more week to go!! :-O
As I haven’t written much at all of late, I’ve decided to try and compile a list of my specific anxieties; something that I can refer to later on and hopefully begin to assess and address each of them, one by one. This post is mostly for future reference.
My six-week evening course in Anxiety Management comes to an end this week. It’s been very educational, that’s for sure, and there are positive experiences I can take from having interacted with the group. But, I’ve barely been able to focus or concentrate fully on any given task, especially when it has come to homework. My mind is over-occupied with growing fear for a friend and I’m struggling generally to cope. I noticed during one homework assignment that I was criticising myself for not being able to cope in a situation, instead of fearing the generalised situation itself… If that makes sense?!
I’d like to thank each of you who has been there for me personally through e-mail and also, for those of you reading this who have also supported me through this blog. I am some way from giving up but, as much as I am struggling, I’m doing a better job of trying to hide it. I’m aiming to start the Low Self-Esteem course, which I think begins in July. But, if I’m anything like I am now then, it could be a waste of time.
For now though, he is my list of anxieties I’m aware that I suffer from. I’ll try to add to this if and when.
Toilet Anxiety – a fear of using shared, public loos that affects my diet and the irregular intake of evening meals on an average weekday.
Social Anxiety – fear of interacting with new people and feelings of inadequacy. A constant sense that people (even in passing cars along a busy road) may be noticing me.
Fear of Men – this relates to issues with my dad and a lack of a sustainable father figure growing up.
Fear of my Father – as above but more personal and much harder to avoid, as you’re ‘supposed‘ to love your family…
Fear for my friend’s safety, wellbeing and life at the hands of an abusive man.
It’s been years since I last visited the dentist. Now, I can’t even pick up the phone to make a new appointment (I’m not afraid of routine check-ups).
That’s my list so far and I may well add to it in future as I’m sure there are others.
Another day and another challenge. I’ve already worked my way up in to the twenties, which means I haven’t got long left until this month-long challenge is complete! I’m going to try and approach these remaining days as spontaneous and instinctively as possible. Without giving too much and allowing an answer to come through naturally; acknowledging and accepting it.
Day 22 – Something I Wish I Hadn’t Done in My Life
Another day, another subject to consider and, I could easily relate this one to an immediate member of my family, in my father. Although I didn’t enjoy all parts of my childhood, there have been other occasions where he’s been good to me. He’s not the perfect dad but, he does try (certainly, a lot more now than what he used to). Also, I’d like to try and make some of these less-family-oriented in the hope of learning more about my interactions with others.
Today, I’m going to talk about one person that I used to work with and, perhaps also another…
Every now and again, usually when I’m feeling low, frustrated and full of some kind of emotion, I tried to express my thoughts down on to a page in a small notebook. This all started when I used to live alone and went through a terrible relationship with someone at the start of this year. Actually, I started writing my thoughts down three-years ago, before I’d moved out, when I was growing tired of living with my mum and her selfish, tart-like behaviour… I did find it easier having more ‘alone time’ though, which you don’t get in a shared house. Now though, my main aim is to try and transform my thoughts from words and in to poems. Sometimes, limericks are easier and more enjoyable!
There’s one poem(?) that I wrote a couple of months ago and I’d like to share it with you today. It was not long after I met ‘May’ in person and I went through a state of feeling as though I was being and had been ‘used’ in some way… Now, I see things more positively and I do not hold her own feelings and emotions against her.