On Honesty

Tonight, I’m going to sit here and write two posts concerning my New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last few days as I’ve struggled with my own emotions a bit and my feelings for someone else.

This first post concerns the importance of being honest (not Ernest). Too many times in my life, I find it easier to duck my head beneath my shoulders and to accept the view or direction of another person, particularly if they’re male. I hide thoughts and feelings from the people (or person) I care about most for fear of scaring them away.

For 2013, I’m looking to be more assertive in being upfront and honest, as each situation comes with each new day. By speaking the truth, we will always get an answer. It may not always be the one we had hoped for but, I’d assume then that you’ll only have saved yourself from sorrow and upset later on.

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Book Review: ‘When Someone You Love is Bipolar’

You may remember that I bought myself a book to learn more about bipolar disorder from a first person perspective. That was back in October, I think.

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When Someone You Love is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner

A few days ago, I finished reading this book and now, I feel ready to share a few brief thoughts…
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Disappointment

This morning, I was awoken at 4.50am by the sound of my sister finally making her way upstairs and to bed (I have a downstairs bedroom and, since her job finished, she’s become ‘nocturnal’ again). As much as I tried though, I couldn’t quite fall back to sleep. I was awoken but more alert than tired. I was excited, for this was due to be the day where I would see my best friend for the first time in three months.

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All is Forgotten

Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…

***TRIGGER WARNING ***

***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***

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What is ‘Genuine’?

I’m weak… I said I was going to resist contacting her for now but, I gave in, only to let her know how my day went and to assume that she was doing quite well. She replied to say quite the opposite. She was glad to hear from me and, of my day but, it’s clear that there’s something very, very wrong in their relationship. She is desperately unhappy. I felt like she was trying to reach out to me so, I offered a hand. In fact, I did a bit more than that by asking her if she’d like to talk about it (even after she said she hates talking about personal stuff and regrets making things public on social networking sites)… She told me to leave her alone. I won’t quote it properly because it was all written in upper-case with lots of exclamation marks behind. I am surprise she didn’t unfriend me on the spot but then, I have left her alone and it’s clear that she’s in a very dark and lonely place.

I worry about her but, once again, I’ve realised that I cannot help someone who is not prepared (or afraid) to help themselves.

A little while after that and, still online, I received a message from someone on a dodgy dating site (POF). She said I seemed genuine but, having spoken to her for a couple of hours, I’m beginning to feel that the word (genuine) is only true in the eye of the beholder (like beauty and perfection). At first, she seemed very ‘genuine’, sharing my interest in walking and we had more in common. I asked about her writing and she offered to show me some of her work…

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May-Day

Wow, I’ve had a difficult few hours with regards to my emotions and feelings towards ‘May’ but, it looks as though there may now be a resolution to the whole thing.

It all started when I got home from work. While checking my e-mails, I logged in to Facebook for a look around (as is part of my usual routine) and instantly noticed that her name had vanished from the chat menu on the right hand side. I did a search for her but came up with nothing. Typing in a name of one of her friends told me that we still had ‘1 Mutual Friend‘ but, trying to access her (photo-less) profile through one of her previous messages resulted in a ‘profile not found’ message appearing on the screen.

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One Way Traffic

I’ve got to be honest – I’m really struggling to shake myself up this week. I said I was feeling better last night but, being complete honest with you, it’s a feeling that keeps on creeping back over me. I believe it’s to do with loneliness but, sometimes, I think about going to see my GP and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis…

My counsellor (who I sought through my own actions) only ever ‘diagnosed’ me with social anxiety. Sometimes, I feel guilty writing these posts and talking about depression because I don’t feel like I suffer as much as many other bloggers. On an average day, I can be okay. I might not be happy but, I can cope with whatever I have to face. Then, there are days where I’m incredibly low and I struggle to get out of bed. It comes from nowhere (that I’m aware of, at least) and it doesn’t go away. Well, it does eventually (after a few days) but, I’m not sure what the cure is.

Growing up, I used to think I had a form of autism, given my OCD tendencies (which have deteriorated, over the years) and my difficulty in understanding, interacting and communicating with others. But then, I’m not sure whether autistic people recognise their own symptoms? My dad’s brother is autistic and has always been in care yet, he thinks he’s just like the rest of us. Having met two bipolar women this year, that’s another consideration I have… But then, I don’t believe that my lows are as severe as those experienced by someone who suffers from manic depression. I can feel restless and unable to sleep at times but, I’m not aware that I’ve ever had an episode of mania.

It’s too easy to look stuff up on the internet and to believe that you have everything wrong with you. I don’t believe in online testing for this sort of thing but, I do wonder about speaking to my GP and how easy it might be to get a proper diagnosis… Maybe I’m just over-thinking everything, as I always do? I just don’t feel that talking and counselling is going to be enough. Finding a way to fill the emotional emptiness in my life may help but, I worry I’d be dumping too much on one person. I tried anti-depressants a few years ago and they did nothing (I’m also sceptical as to whether they’re anything more than ‘psychological’ – “I will feel better if I keep taking these” – I heard, from an ex-friend, of how these things are given away at care homes like sweets and chocolates…).

I just needed to say that, really. I have a slightly more positive post on the way next though, as I’ve been out again today and I’ll share some more photos with you very shortly. Living back at my mum’s really isn’t helping me. All of the disturbance affects my abilities to relax. At least, when I was living alone (and very cold), I could write. If I’d have bothered to try, I could have begun learning to play my guitar (I now have two that are alien to me!). I just don’t feel that I can do that here, sharing a house with two others, while another family lives on the other side of my thin, bedroom wall.

Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Today’s topic suggests that there have been times where I’ve doubted the significance to my continued existence and, like so many people, these thoughts have plagued my mind on many occasions. I can even recall thinking about it at the age of five, sat cross-legged on the floor in a school assembly. I’ve had the thoughts and I’ve even considered my methods and approach to the day but, I’ve never had the serious intent to follow it through (maybe I should carefully consider this for another post?).

Maybe there’s an element of fear that’s held me back in the past; all the unanswered questions and the risk that it may not go as according to plan. I can’t think of any one thing (or person) that has ‘kept me alive’ in the past but, I can certainly think of one person in my life today who has given me new reason to live.

Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living For

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Six Days Later

Continuing on from Being Friends, there was actually one piece of information that I forgot to include near the end of that story. I mentioned that I’d eaten quorn sausages the night before. What I forgot to add was that, the next morning, my stomach was roaring inside! I wasn’t in any great pain (a little discomfort) and I’ve definitely felt worse in the past but, I decided to try and hold it in for those final hours as I feared it was one of those that was ‘going to make a mess’ and, probably leave a bad smell in her bathroom… It felt like a large cloud of wind, if I’m honest! Generally speaking though, I have concerns over using anyone’s toilet that wasn’t my own.

Bear with me because, there is relevance to this…

When I first met ‘Jan’, I was still very nervous around her. Even in times where I felt comfortable with her, there were awkward silences. In order to try to fill these (without knowing what to say), I would try to make light of the situation or discussion and some kind of joke (as my dad has always done – he seems to have a ‘way’ with women although, thinking about it now, he’s equally as good at p***ing people off…). Jan’s stomach often made noises in the time that I’d known her. Whether she was hungry or full; she cited her medication as the cause and I would gently humour it to try and ease her embarrassment; kindly asking her to be quiet, to keep the noise down or just to go ‘ssshhhhh‘ while the TV was on. She would genuinely laugh with me each time so, I saw no reason to stop. I thought she liked it. Continue reading

Three Months

Looking at my watch earlier today (it was a looong day at work), I realised that it is exactly three-months to the date since ‘May’ and I first met in person. Okay, it was actually a Sunday and not a Monday but, it was on the 17th of June.

Whatever happens in the future, I will always treasure that day, along with the memories and feelings I’ve been focusing on since I realised the date. Later on this evening, I’ll see if I can use all of this to write something… I’m writing this short post now to help encourage myself in case I come up against a struggle.

There are two things I feel I need to confront her about. Partly, to clear my own mind but also, to get a better idea and understanding of what she wants from me. But, I do need to be very careful. If I catch at the wrong time, it could create the end an end to our friendship (that’s my biggest fear). But then, I also fear that she may not need to be in a depressive state to take it the wrong way.

We did talk and share things briefly over the weekend. I suppose she could just ignore me… But, I’m really hoping for some kind of ‘resolution’ and honest answers that may help to put my mind and its fears at ease…